115 days...

Three months and twenty four days...That is all the time we had from the early diagnosis to her journey to heaven.  I feel like we had an incredible gift to know how precious our time was.  I am thankful for my mother's decision to have pictures taken early on.

I spoke with my Aunt Ruthie on the phone yesterday and she shared with me her last visit with my mom and we laughed and cried as we talked about what a void she left in our lives.  I am not sad all the time but have moments of sadness, where I feel all alone and orphaned.  I think to myself there are so many things I needed to ask her, but now it is too late.  I yearn to hear her voice on the phone or feel the gentle touch of her hands on my shoulder. 

I think about that blonde joke, There are three ladies on a desert island a Blonde, Brunette and a Red head.  They walk along a beach and find and rub a genies lamp, out comes a genie and grants them each one wish.  The Brunette says, "I want to go home"  poof she was transported home.  The Red head says, I'd like to go to a yankees game.  "Poof"  there she goes.  The Blonde says, "I wish my friends were back here with me!" ... I don't want to be that blonde to wish my mother were here. 

I have made some serious changes to my way of thinking.  I will never again think; "I can do this tomorrow."  I am going to always try to do it TODAY! because Tomorrow may never come. 
I am eating off the fine china and I am sleeping under the good quilt too! and most importantly I am always going to eat dessert first!  I have decided to try to live the rest of my life with no regrets.  I am not delusional, I know that there might be some, but if there are, I am not going to sweat the small stuff!  Life is way too short!

Your mother is about to expire...

OK, that sounds dramatic right?  Well this is what happened.   My mom's friend Karen Luisi, my Aunt Nornie, her daughter-in-law Ida, my niece Monica were all at my house when the  hospice nurse came. 
My mom was resting on the big comfy chair in the living room and the hospice nurse says, "Your mother is about to expire let's get her to the bed, where we can make her comfortable." 

So the next thing you know, everyone including me, is crying and we are in a hurry because we have just been told by the hospice nurse that her death is imminent.  We get her positioned in bed and the hospice nurse leaves and my aunt who is a nurse says, "Well, isn't it nice she gets everyone all riled up and doesn't take another blood pressure, while she is laying down, and leaves!"

My Aunt Ruthie is driving from Nevada with her husband and they are in Kingsburg when I tell her to hurry, after all my mother is expiring right?  She said they got to the corner near my home and she wanted her husband to let her out of the car, so she could run through the field to my house.  I am glad that her husband Tim, calmed her down and convinced her to stay in the car until they pulled up in the driveway. 

My mom continued to slip deeper into sleep.  We could wake her, but she was not responding verbally or if she did it was small words and short sentences.  My sister-in-law Robin, Aunt Ruthie decided they would sit up with my mom into the evening.  I tried to get some rest but slept deep and hard, for only a short time. 

Mom is in Nevada

I got up early to make a few phone calls and get my home straightened up and then left with Olivia to my moms house.  We stopped over at the donut store and bought her two donuts. On the way over, the respiratory therapist, called and said, he had her portable oxygen machine.  He had tried to contact her but she wasn't answering the phone.  I told him I was en route and I would call him back and confirm that she was home.   She was in the courtyard with her friends visiting.  I called the respiratory therapist and he said he would be arriving shortly.

I walked my mom back to her apartment. where all of her bags were packed and ready for Ruthie and Tim to pick them up.  She was a little anxious but not too bad.  She had lots of small things to do before she left.  We read her bible and she ate her donut as she waited for the the respiratory therapist to came and demonstrate her machine.  It is convenient, the size of a medium handbag and a strap that goes around her shoulder.  It operates on battery or can be plugged into the cigarette lighter.  That was an answer to prayer, because her tanks and the other machine would have been too bulky to carry back to Nevada. 

We got a chance to visit a little bit while she was packing and I told her, "You need to promise me that you aren't going to die in Nevada"   she said, "Well I will try not to, but I can't make any promises."  We both laughed! It's good to just laugh sometimes, when you're talking about serious things, it seems to ease the tension.  

Aunt Ruthie and Tim arrived and I briefed her on how to dispense her oral medication and how to use the oxygen machine, while Tim loaded up my moms bags.  Her good friends Arlene and Betty stopped in to say goodbye.  Betty had big tears rolling down her cheeks.  Olivia and I hugged and kissed my mom goodbye.  She had to stop at the hospice office to fill out paperwork and they left around three to go back to Nevada.  They were in a hurry because a storm was heading that way and snow on the mountains could make their passage treacherous.

Birthday Day.

Judy in the 4th grade

Today is my mother's birthday and she turned 68, we had planned on my birthday; to go out to dinner for my moms birthday.  We have been talking about it all week she wanted to go to Fugazzis and eat an early dinner.  We made plans for 3 PM.  I called ahead and made reservations for a quiet table.  I received a call from my mom at 2 o'clock sometime and she told me to take my time because her bestie Karen and her girls were coming over for a visit.

I hung around the house a little past three and decided that I would return some merchandise to Home Depot. I figured it would use up some time and maybe she would be ready to go when I got there.  I arrived and found her surrounded by her friends  and Jennifer, my mom used to babysit for her family when Jennifer was a little girl.  After everyone left she looked exhausted.

I suggested that we hook up her oxygen and she said she was so tired and it felt "weird" to be this tired.  She reclined her chair and just laid there with her eyes closed.  I continued to talk to her.  She told me that she was still going to go with me to dinner, maybe she needed to rest before we left.  I told her to just rest and decided to kick back on her couch and take a nap with her.  We just got comfortable and her friends came in to check on her.  She told them that she was just, so tired today.

LaDon and Judy 

I told her, "Momma don't worry! We don't have to go to dinner today.  We can just stay here and eat your left overs.  You don't want to drag yourself out when you aren't feeling well."  She was so relieved.  I just know she would have pushed herself because she wanted to please me.

I made us both a salad and after she ate the salad, she was full.  I am very worried now.  I was hoping for a lot more time, where she was feeling good and now she is tired and she has a very loud wheeze.  I encouraged her to go to bed and told her I would sit and rub her feet.  (She loves to have her feet rubbed and I use her lotion and her feet are so soft afterward.)  I just sat and rubbed her feet and we talked.  She told me that she misses me when I am not there and then she said, "I feel like crying when I say this. so I won't say that I miss you."  Tears just flow from my eyes and I started crying too.  I cannot believe how tired she was and she still lifted up out of the bed and held me and tenderly kiss my head.  We broke into a chorus of "Blessed Assurance" My mom knows all the words I sang along with her and hummed through the song.  She said to me, "You know when I was younger, I had a much better voice,"  We both started to giggle.

I called my Aunt Ruthie and she wanted to know all about our dinner out.  I told her that we didn't go because my mom's health.  She said, "Doni that makes me want to cry."  I sighed and told her, "I know,"  and went on to tell her that, I am concerned she might not be up to making her trip to Nevada, with her this weekend.  I explained to her all the symptoms mom had.  I told her that the hospice nurse is coming tomorrow and we would have her take a look at her and give us her opinion of whether or not she could travel.

Teach us to number our days.

 I think every situation is a learning opportunity.  Today I learned so much, I think my head hurts.  I dropped my kids off at school this morning and headed over to my mom's house.  I knocked on her door and she was just waking up; she had slept so soundly, she looked rested.    She got ready, took a shower and I washed her dishes and dusted her furniture and waited for her to finish getting dressed.

The call finally came in from Hospice, we were going to first meet with a coordinator and then the nurse was to come after 1:30 PM I textd my sister in law and even though she had just gotten off work she was able to pick up her daughter Monica and come over to my mom's apartment.  So here we are in the community room, my mom, Arlene, Betty, Robin, Monica, and Claire the social worker from Sierra Meadows, and the hospice coordinator.  She explained all about hospice.  Today we learned that.

• Hospice comes in and takes over the care for the patient 
• Hospice provides all cancer medication
• Hospice can be stopped at any time
• Hospice is free to the patient
• Hospice can be something your doctor refers you or you can be personally referred by a friend or loved one.  
• Hospice provides bereavement counseling to the family for up to 18 months after the patients death. 
• You cannot do chemotherapy and Hospice, it's one or the other.   

I felt overwhelmed and asked my Facebook friends to please pray for our family. I am so thankful for all my friends kind comments. I really felt lifted up and carried by the prayers of others today.  My mom was just swamped with people all around her the whole day and I felt that she was in God's peace too.  

We were able to have a few moments of peace between the hospice coordinator and the nurses visit.  I read my mom her bible and her devotional Daily bread.  It seems like this was written just for us.  There are no guarantees! None of us can be certain of another breath. So the psalmist has an important piece of advice . . . a warning label of sorts: “Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom” (Ps 90:12).*

I finally left at 6:30 PM when my son Robby came with his wife to visit my mom.  I called her later to make sure she was OK she said she was just having a little snack before bedtime.  Tonight she has stronger medication, I am sure she will sleep more soundly than ever before. 

So this is the plan, we are not going to count the days, we are going to make all the rest of my Mom's days count.  

*our daily bread devotional 3-7-2012 online

Holding onto HOPE!

Denial is not a river in Egypt: it's a tricky little thing, that gives you false hope. Denial is the mirage in the desert of life, when you are searching for good news.

 Last night my mom called me at about 10:30 PM and asked if I wanted to come over and spend the night.  We hadn't had a chance to catch up on her trip details. and this morning she had her MRI with contrast of the brain.  I told her, I would stay overnight with her and got my pajamas together and drove over there, when I arrived, she was very tried but wanted to visit with me.

So we sat up, until after three in the morning, talking and laughing about stupid things.  At one point in our conversation she says, "You know, I just think they are going to tell me that its all been a mix up- you know how they switch medical records by accident."   

I was silent for moment.  She just needed to say those words out-loud and listen to them as they left her mouth.

I asked her, if she thought she might be tripping down denial?   She said, "Yeah maybe a little."   I told her, "Well Mom let's just sit in denial for another week-" she is going to see her oncologist on March 6th and he is going to give her the news.  We are hoping that this isn't in her brain, but I am afraid the PET scan, is going to tell us something that has already spread to her brain.

She has only been sad less then a handful of times and I think that after we leave the land of denial, we might just land right in the middle of sadness.  So for today, right now, we are living in denial.  It is blissful, but we are also haunted with the ever looming presence of her deteriorating health.  She has been complaining for a while about headaches that bother her everyday.  (This is not a good sign.)  Her balance is off,  she almost fell on me twice while I was there.  She cannot walk the length of JC Penny's without stopping to rest.  Her wheeze is much more noticeable then before she left on her trip to Palm Desert.

As Margaret Weiss once said, " Hope is the denial of reality" So for today, right now, we hold on to hope!

SECOND ANNIVERSARY OF MY 48th birthday

our 50th and 30th birthdays.

My Birthday is February 24th; I just turned forty-eight, this is the second anniversary of my 48th birthday.  It's quite a funny story, last year, my mom called and sang me happy birthday on the phone and I thanked her and told her that I felt really old turning 48, my mom got quiet and then she said,  "You aren't forty-eight you are forty-seven this year.  I think I would know! I was there when you were born."  I started counting and then realized she was right.  We just broke into laughter.

Judy and LaDon 48 and 67 

She had a big day planned for us it started with breakfast served at Sierra Meadows where my mom lives.  We had a nice big plate of pancakes, sausage, orange juice and coffee  We visited with the ladies at our table my mom's friend Betty had her granddaughter and her two little boys.  We finished with breakfast and left headed toward the mall I called and made an appointment at JC Penney's to get our pictures done.  I had ordered feather Boas to kind of go with the theme of our birthday pictures at 30 and 50 and the plan was to get pictures taken like this again when I turned 50 and she turned 70. Fearing this would never come to pass. we decided to just go a head and have our pictures taken today.

My mom has a skiers tan from being outside with her big sun glasses on.  She has big white circles around her eyes just like goggles had been there.  So we stopped at the make up counter and got one of the girls to put some concealer around her eyes.  We even got her to apply some eye shadow.  It took, just the right amount of time because when she was done and we had purchased a necklace and the concealer it was time to get our pictures done.

mom and Stephanie getting her makeup done

The photographer Crystal, was so nice, one time during the shoot my mom told her that she had been diagnosed with stage IV Lung cancer and that this might be the last pictures we take.  It just hit me like, I had never heard this before and tears just started falling down my cheeks.  The photographer took the picture as my mom reached over and kissed my face.  It was a very tender moment.

We ordered our pictures they will be in March 1st. We decided to go meet up with David and Olivia, my husband and youngest daughter at A&W; we were still pretty full from breakfast but we both ordered something to drink and we chatted with them while they ate their lunch.

We decided it was time to go get a pedicure and drove over to the nail place.  She seems more tired now, and she is very unsteady on her feet.  She had to take a pain pill at lunch because of that headache that has been haunting her since before her diagnosis.  I was so relaxed, I fell asleep and woke up to painted toenails.  I have never done that before, I was thankful I chose my nail color before I took my nap.

We decided see the movie, "The Vow" and it was like perfect timing, we had just enough time to get to the store and purchase some candy and bottled water to sneak into the theater.  I left her in the car as I went into the store to get our stuff and while I was in there, I spotted this pretty little girl about the age of eight years old in a beautiful peacock blue satin dress.  When I got in line, this little girl came back into the store with a handful of cash and tried to get back to the cashier, but was told that she would have to wait in line.  I motioned her to come get in front of me and watched her as she counted her change on the counter, "twenty-five, seventy-five, eighty"  Her little face pensive and her hands shaking because she realized for a second time, she didn't have the amount needed.  I asked the cashier "What does she need?  I will pay the difference."  She needed a dollar more, the little girl thanked me over and over again, as I fished out a dollar from my purse.  I told her,  "You are very pretty!  I love your dress." and she said, "Thank you, I am going to a daughter-daddy dance!"  I called out to her as she hurried out of the store. "Well make some good memories!"

I made my purchase and then hurried back to the car as we drove to the movies, I told my mom about the pretty little girl in the blue dress.   We got our tickets and popcorn and I was relieved my mom didn't make me sit right in the front row.  Instead we sat about five rows back from the front.  The movie was incredibly boring and every now and then, it sounded like coins being thrown at the back of our chairs.  I didn't realize it until the movie was almost over that there was a row of seven little junior high kids sitting behind us a few rows away and the noise that I thought were coins were actually ice they were chucking in our direction.   At once point, I even looked back and yelled "What the heck!"

When the movie ended even before the credits were rolling, my mom started walking toward these kids and with her blind cane; she shook it at them and told them how they ruined the movie for us.  I was a little worried, I would have to bail her out of jail if that cane shook any harder; because she was pretty peeved.  The group of kids just looked astonished, that we would call them out on their bad behavior.

We laughed about it in the car, on the way home.  We had planned on dinner, but neither of us was hungry after our popcorn and candy snack at the movies.  I got out of the car and hugged her again and thanked her for making my day special!  She is leaving tomorrow to go see her friend Glenda in the palm dessert.

Oncology appointment today

She has a 4.5 CM tumor on her upper Right lobe and a 2.5 cm tumor on her right middle lower lobe
She also has three tumors on her left lung that range from 1.3 CM to 1.9 CM  I have placed X's to represent  where these might be in her lungs based on the report. 

Today at 10:30 my mom her friend Arlene and I go in to see her oncologist. We arrived at the same time at the oncologist. She has completed two of the three tests he has ordered.  She got her PET scan on Valentines day which she said it took about three hours and they started scanning below her eyebrows to the bottom of the trunk of her body.  Yesterday, February 16th, she had a bone scan.

I woke up this morning and Samantha has been up all night with a tummy ache.  So the plan for the day is to attend my mom's doctors appointment and then take Sami-Jo out to see the pediatrician.  Samantha has pain in her upper left abdominal quadrant.

  At the appointment  Dr. Kuo was very nice, I really like him.  He explained to my mom that the PET scan showed that her lymphatic system was cancer free as well as her abdominal cavity. So it has not spread to her lymph nodes like the earlier CAT scan had shown.

Her bone scan said on the report that said: Foci of uptake in the calvarium suspicious for metastatic lesions.  Which in layman's terms means that there are spots on her brain that they suspect might be cancerous. we will not have anything definite until she has her MRI with Contrast, which will have to be rescheduled sometime next month because of a conflict in her travel plans.

Her PET scan described the location and size of her tumors on her lungs. The largest mass has a SUV Standard uptake value of 18.8.  and the smaller tumor on her right middle lobe has an SUV uptake value of 6.4,   all of these tumors are described medically as hypermetabolic which means fast growing.
There was also a paragraph that said

she has multiple hypermetabolic bilateral pulmonary lesions are identified and described.

Hypermetabolic right paratracheal, right hilar, subcarinal and aortopulmonary window pathologic lymph nodes are seen. No evidence of left hilar lymphandenopathy.  It's all Greek to me.
(Which means that there are cancerous lymph nodes next to her trachea, and in the area between both lungs.The left lymph node is normal)


Her next appointment is scheduled for March 6 at 8 AM


diagram of lung taken from website: http://www.innerbody.com/anim/lungs.html

SISTER LOVE!

Robin and I 

Robin and Michael on their wedding day

Sisters... My mom has two sisters both younger than her.  Growing up I had always wished I had a sister and then my brother married Robin Garcia.  She has been a very good daughter in law to both my parents and a wonderful Sister of the heart.  We are so blessed to have her as a part of our family.

The Goldsmith girls
Judy, Ruthie and Norma June

This weekend both my mom's sisters are coming into town to see her.  Aunt Ruthie arrived last night and Aunt Nornie should either already be here or is on her way.  They were going to make a trip to Nevada, but my mom cancelled her trip because she is tired all the time now.

I used to love it when all three girls were at my grandparents house.  There was always such a buzz of activity and laughter.  My grandmother raised her daughters to be close, and they are.  I went over to my mom's house to just visit with her and wait for Aunt Ruthie to arrive.

I brought our two youngest daughters along with me because we had just dropped off Savannah at her house to visit with her mom until Monday, when I pick her up for the school week.  Savannah hasn't been home for three weeks.  My mom wanted me to read her devotional to her and I did.  It was the story of Jacob and Esau of how Jacob stole Esau's  blessing.  We talked about how this was an example of parental favoritism.  How Esau must have been so disappointed when he realized his mother was a part of the deception.  How broken hearted Esau must have been when he asked his father for at least one blessing.

Genesis 27:38 Esau said to his father, "Do you have only one blessing, my father? Bless me too, my father!" Then Esau wept aloud.

 Her Apartment was a hub of activity,   Right after my Aunt Ruthie got there and we had just said our hellos.  One of the residents Jimmy George brought her a hand-carved cross he put on a string and hung it around my mom's neck. He shared with her his testimony for the lord and told her he had a near death experience, was almost electrocuted,.  It was very interesting.  He has recently moved into the building and has already found himself a girlfriend, her name is Linda, she came with him and was sitting on the couch, while he told his story.  Before he left, he prayed with her.

Linda, Mr. George, mom and Olivia 

Samantha and Olivia are very close to grandma.  My mom came to Florida; to be with me right after my brother, Michael died, because I was nine months pregnant with Sami-Jo.  I thank God she was there, because after Samantha's birth, I had a spinal headache, like a migraine, except this lasted for two weeks straight.  I could barely lift my head off the pillow, it throbbed constantly and my momma was so good about bringing Samantha in to be to nurse and she took such good care of her and me.  She cut the umbilical cords on both the girls. 

On our way home Samantha said to me, "My heart hurts."  I looked over at her and asked, "Is it physical pain or are you sad?" and she said both.  Our friend Tony and my husband made spaghetti dinner and we ate dinner and I sensed Samantha needed some mommy time; so I took her upstairs to my big comfy bed and snuggled with her and she just cried and cried.  I just held her in my arms and told her to just let it out.  This is what my mom used to tell me when I would cry on her shoulder.  She cried so hard. my sleeve was wet with her tears.  Samantha had her books with her and we talked about what she was reading and she read  me her book and I fell asleep with her in my arms reading to me.

PET SCAN APPOINTMENT

I left my cell number with the oncologist just in case they needed to contact her about the PET scan and they called today and left a message and I called back.  She is scheduled for February 14, 2012: Valentines day, to have a PET Scan.  She has to arrive by 10:30 in the morning and she will be given another call to inform her about the preparation for the appointment, basically directions on what she needs to do before.

I called my mom and gave her the information about her appointment and we chatted.  Today is the day I go out to Lemoore to grocery shop and run errands.  I asked her if she needed me to pick up anything. We want to go see that movie, " Extremely Loud, Incredibly Close."  and while she was on the phone she told me she wanted to call me last night but thought I'd be asleep and I told her I wanted to call her but thought the same thing.  We have that "ESPN" connection again.   She told me that she decided that she wants to go have pictures, have lunch and go see a movie that is coming out on my birthday.  I told her that she should go on her trip and she said she prayed about it and she feels like she needs to celebrate my birthday and then leave the next day.

I told her I would be by later to see her and wanted to take her and her friends pictures.  I called her later when I was on the way home from the grocery store and told her that I was going to put away the groceries and I would be over.  She sounds so tired on the phone.  I told her to get some rest and call me when she wakes up she said, "No you come over I will wait for you."  So I lugged in all the groceries and put them away and put together a bag of stuff that I bought for her at the store.  They had a sale on Cranberry juice and she loves cranberry juice so I picked up extra.

 I feel a sense of urgency to get back to her when I am gone.  She called me the other day just to tell me she was thinking about me.  I had just finished praying for her and the phone rang.  It made me feel like God heard my prayer and whispered in her ear to call me.  I don't want to overwhelm her with my presence but I want to be there when she needs me.

I pulled up in front of her building and she wasn't in her apartment,  I tapped on the door and Lori the property manager was there she let me in and said my mom was probably out on the bench where her posse congregate.
Her group of ladies consists of Betty who is several years her senior and rides around in a motorized chair but can get up and walk short distances.  She has salt and pepper grey hair ..  Arlene who has short blonde slightly wavy hair and a very pretty face.  She looks so good for her age. Arlene has a radiant tan from living in Hawaii before she relocated to Visalia.   She is my mom's bestie. These are just a few of the group she hangs out with.

We walked back to her place and my mom told me that she was tired.  We talked about going to see a movie but when you don't feel good you don't want to go anywhere.  She ate a plate of food Arlene had brought to her and she talked on the phone to her sister Ruthie, who is coming down tomorrow to stay with her for a few days.

We decided on the last minute that we would go to the mall and get some refills of the air fresheners at Bed Bath and Beyond.  When we got to the mall I asked her if she wanted a pretzel from Auntie Annie's.  Those pretzels are the best!  We both got a salted pretzel and walked over to the Bed bath and beyond to shop.  They had a special on those oil refills so I got her three and I got three for me.  While we were there they rolled down the metal doors which signaled to us they were closing.

I took her home, hugged and kissed her goodbye and had to go meet David for a late dinner because he had lodge.

Dragons and other scary beasts...like CANCER

Cancer is like...a great big scary beast you dare not speak it's name or it might swoop down on you and make you wish you had never heard of such a thing.   There are lots of different scary beasts in the world, as there are lots of different cancers, each one has a different name and personality.

We all went with my mom to her oncologist it was in Tulare.   I felt like my mom's entourage, we had her friend Arlene, my sister in law Robin, niece Monica and I.  We were informed that this cancer she has is NON-SMALL CELL CARCINOMA (Our Dragon has a name!)  I asked why its not large cell carcinoma and the doctor told us that there are five sub-categories of this cancer and its depends on what it looks like under the microscope.   He named them off and the only one I recall is squamous cell, the only reason this comes to mind  is my year of biology in college.  Her dragon is Adenocarcinoma and it's also the most common form of lung cancer.  The good news is this is a slower cancer then the small cell cancer cousin.  The bad news is there is a five year survial rate, and she is stage four.

While we waited for the doctor there was a poem in a frame on the counter in the doctors office.  He has a big, comfy, leather recliner in each exam room instead of an exam table for the patient.  So my mom sat in that chair and I spotted the poem and asked my niece Monica if she would read the poem out loud she declined she was afraid she would cry.  So I began to read it....

What Cancer Cannot Do

Author: Unknown

Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.

We all sat in silence and everyone commented on what a nice poem it was, it reminded me of the bible verse about God's love. Romans 8:35 "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?"  The answer is nothing separates us from God's love.

The doctor seemed nice he was a short, older Chinese man with salt and pepper grey hair and spoke pretty good English. He was reassuring that chemotherapy has changed in the last thirty years, its not as hard to take and the side effects aren't as harsh. He asked the same questions that mom and Arlene has filled out on a form. It seemed redundant to ask them again, when they were answered on a paper before she was even seen.

I could tell my mom was irritated and in pain. She says her head hurts all the time and now her pain is in in her legs. I feel bad for her and all I could do is reach over and rub her back and reassure her silently. The doctor is ordering lots of tests: a PET Scan which basically injects sugar into the vein and cancer is attracted to sugar and where the cancer is, it glows brightly. This will give us a map of where our dragon has been in her body. The next test is a bone scan to make sure the cancer hasn't spread to her bones. And the last test is an MRI with contrast to see if it has spread to her brain. The scary part of this cancer is it spreads to the brain in 60% of the patients with lung cancer. I hope this isn't the case with her.

The group decides to go back to her house and Robin is going to pick up pizza. I had to attend a board meeting so I just had her drop me off on the way home. I asked Robin for a ride, because I wanted to talk to her after the appointment we hardly get to visit in our busy lives. I knew we would have things to say. They all went back and had pizza together. My mom said they had a nice time, and once again, she is surrounded in love.

Pepsi and quarters...

Olivia and Jessica Rager
 getting their groove on

My mom called me yesterday and asked if I would bring over some Pepsi.  I was at a rainbow installation with our girls and  I had planned to bring her over some last night but, I forgot that there was a dance after the installation and my girls love to dance!  We had a good time, we helped clean up afterward and I offered to drive some of the left over food home for the Hoffman family.  They looked exhausted.  It is a lot of work to host an installation, both their daughters were in gorgeous dresses and the food was wonderful.  I was happy to help.  We have a big Ford Excursion so it can hold lots of stuff and myself and three girls to help them cart all the food in.

Samantha, Savannah and Olivia

I woke up this morning and gave my daughters directions on getting their chores done.  We have a little girl living with us who is one year between the girls.  So we have 13, 12, and 11 year olds.  Savannah's parents became homeless right after Christmas and they are staying in a garage with her grandmother on the other side of town.  Savannah would of had to change schools and there really isn't room for her there.  We have plenty of room at our house and she is such a sweet little girl it's a blessing having her here. 

My mom had called me and asked for quarters for her washing machine; if I could pick some up for her, when I got her Pepsi.  So off I go to the dollar store, no sooner did my feet hit the door when my cell phone starts ringing.  It was Olivia and I could hardly understand what she was saying through her sobs.  "Momma, Sami-Jo is being mean to me."  I told her that she needed to get along with her sister and do her chores or she would be in big trouble when I got home.  That phone rang four times and each time unintelligible sobs came from the other end.  I finally had to say, don't call me again.  My brain was fried.  I felt so stressed out, I couldn't even find the money in my wallet to pay for my purchases.  I finally found it and the cashier was happy that I wasn't holding up her line anymore.  

I had planned to bring the Pepsi and quarters and stay for a short while.  Once I got to her apartment, she had to walk her dog, so we ended up outside with some of her friends sitting on a bench talking about their plans for the Superbowl and the party they are going to have.  My mom leans over to me and says, "I have been so busy since I moved here with all these party's."  We both looked at each other with a knowing glance.  We both know she loves the excitement.  Today's excitement included fire trucks responding to her housing complex because one of her neighbors decided to put her oven on the self clean cycle; and this oven was too dirty for this option.  The dirty oven smoked out the entire building, and caused the alarm to sound, the same alarm that sounded the night we found out she had cancer.  

We talked about her upcoming trip to Nevada to see her sisters. Aunt Ruthie lives in Nevada and Aunt Nornie would travel from the Bay Area and meet her in Sacramento.   She had been wanting to go see her friend Glenda, who she met at the blind center and she lives in Palm dessert, her friend Arlene; who would be giving her a ride there, was going to leave around my birthday and she didn't want to miss it.  I told her to go see her friend.   We could celebrate our birthdays together when she got back. We are just two weeks apart and twenty years difference in age.  I told her, "Mom you should travel while you feel healthy enough to; you never know how much time you have before you won't be up to traveling."

David, LaDon, Robby and Jeremy

I offered to put her wash in the machines, but my mom had to walk down to the laundry with me and show me how to wash clothes.  I had to chuckle a little bit, because I have been washing clothes for over twenty-eight years now.  I married a widowed man with two small children and I got thrown into the whole housewife gig overnight. I just stood there while she loaded the washers; all the time complaining about the fact that she HATES front loaders.  I had to get back home and take the body count see who was left standing after epic battle in the Gill home.  So I gave my mom a hug and kissed her goodbye and left for home.  

I drove down our street and was relieved to see all three girls and Olivia comes up to my window and announces, "Our bikes got jacked!" I was so mad! I said in a very calm voice, "Both your bikes were stolen? In a louder voice I asked, "Why weren't they locked up on the porch?"  No one could answer that question for me.  Later they came to me and said they suspected that they were locked together and someone stole them both.(Highly doubtful!)  I laugh now as I am reading this because they must have thought about this for quite some time and came up with an answer that would deflect any blame that might be coming their way.  

In Death's shadow...

Non Small cell lung cancer...This is what we are fighting.   My mom had my sister in law Robin and her daughter Monica come and meet us at the clinic. We all crammed into a little exam room.  Her doctor came in cheerful as ever, tomorrow is her birthday and during her exam, my mom started singing, "Happy Birthday" to her.  She told us the grim news that it was what we had suspected; but hoped in our hearts wasn't. Monica put her head in her hands and sobbed quietly.  My mom reached over to console her oldest granddaughter as Dr. Mahoney handed Monica a box of tissues.   She had printed up a paper that told us all about it.  The symptoms and how they detect it.

She has put in a consult to the Oncologist and we are all going to go there on Monday.  As I write this my mind keeps repeating this so I will just close with it.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

The day before...

Today is the day before tomorrow... Which is the day that we will find out exactly what we are dealing with.  My mom had her CT Scan with biopsy on January 31st  which is almost two weeks since we got the diagnosis in the emergency room.  Lots of thoughts flood my mind as I wait for this day to finish and tomorrow to begin.

My grandmother  Jo Goldsmith

I think about everyone we have lost to death in my lifetime.  All of them have been very sudden departures. When I was young my little cousin Charlene died and although she was ill; it came as a surprise that she had passed way.  I was sad about her passing but her death was hardest on her mother Norma, "Aunt Nornie" who had lost her only daughter.   My beloved grandmother Jo Goldsmith; who always made an effort to make everyone feel so special and loved, had a heart attack; went in for a bypass surgery, had a stroke a day later and died with our family surrounding her bed and singing hymns and praises to Jesus.   What a beautiful way to leave this earth and be guided into the heavenly realms.  Her death left me very sad for a very long time. I mourned my grandmother and had to go to see a counselor to deal with my grief.  Little did I know that the coping skills that I gained from my time on a counselors couch, would help me through the rest of my losses.

My next loss and this is one that no mother wants to ever do, loose a child, let alone your only daughter.  It was an accident and happened when we were in the middle of moving clear across the United States, from Washington state to Florida, for a job that my husband had taken.  Amanda was only five years old and looking back, I think I had a feeling something was very wrong.  I waited for the movers the whole entire morning to come and start packing our stuff up. The whole day the verse in Isaiah 40:31 kept coming to mind, But they that wait upon the LORD will renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. 
My husband had called numerous times because he had found a perfect house for us, but needed my signature; so we could proceed with an offer, of course this was way before every home had a fax machine.  I had to travel fifteen minutes into town to fax it at our Realtor's office, but I couldn't leave until our older boys got home from high school.   When they finally arrived I was fairly agitated because the movers were very late, my husbands persistent calls and the urgency in his voice that I had to get those papers signed.   I remember leaving our home and as I am walking down those stairs to leave, a sweet little voice calls back to me and says, "Wait! Momma you forgot to give me a kiss!"  I was in so much of a hurry that I just waved her off like a pesky fly and said I will kiss you when I get back. Little did I know at that very moment,  I would never get the chance to kiss that sweet, little rosy cheeked, girl again.

Amanda Gill 

 While I was signing the papers, I got a 911 page, it was my oldest son Jeremy and he was frantic, "The trailer is on fire and Amanda is trapped inside!" I was shaken, I asked him to repeat himself and then I rushed out to get in my car and drive home. We were kind of hanging out in the trailer because there was nothing left in the house that wasn't already packed.  I had to save my daughter!  I had to give her that kiss!  I promised!  As I got to the truck, I felt an overwhelming peace come over me, it felt like a big hug.  I paused for a moment and then started to talk to God out loud.  I said, "God I don't know what has happened; but if you have taken Amanda to heaven, you'd better just take me right now too!"   I just kept repeating this over and over and then when I rounded the corner I saw it, a beautiful rainbow and it was sitting right over our road.  It hadn't even rained that day!

We lived back in the forest of a very small town in Washington state.  So the road to our house was blocked by police cars and firetrucks.  I saw our oldest boy Jeremy standing in the road crying.  He came over and gave me a hug and all I could do is scream to the top of my lungs, "Don't you tell me she is dead! Don't say it Jeremy!!" He just grabbed me and through tears told me "Mom I am sorry Amanda is gone"  I just flung my body to the ground and wailed, I wished right then my heart would burst because it felt so full of pain! My son Jeremy, who seemed so much older then seventeen, helped me to my feet and walked with me up the hill to our home.  I saw my son Robby being treated by the paramedic he was crying but it seemed so surreal! I just kept walking toward our home. My son Brendon, who was eight, came up and was crying said, "Momma, Amanda is walking up to heaven on that rainbow"  and we both looked up and that rainbow was still just as bright and right over our road.

Looking back, that is exactly what she did, she told God, "Hey if I am going with you, I have to give my momma a hug first and then can we walk there on a rainbow?"  Amanda was so cleaver like that!  No matter what reverse psychology I tried on her, she was always on top of that game. " Amanda if you don't eat your food you won't get ice cream" I would tell her and she would casually look up and say, "That's OK I don't want ice cream anyway"  I was just in a daze we had her funeral a few days later and then we went on ahead and traveled to Florida where my husband had started his new job.  Our family grieved for Amanda.  We went into counseling to deal with our grief.

Grandpa Norman Goldsmith 

My maternal grandfather died and I was twenty weeks pregnant with our daughter Samantha when I flew from Florida to California to attend his funeral.  My grandfather was a great man!  He showed us the value of hard work and determination.  He was a migrant farmer in the late 1920's traveling to pick whatever crop was in season.  He was self educated and very, very smart.  He was a good Husband, Father and Grandfather.  I was sick when I attended his funeral and was hospitalized the day we buried him with a bad gallbladder.  I had to have it removed before I came back to Florida because I was so sick.

My Brother committed suicide just three months after my grandfather's death and this came as a double whammy to my mother who just lost the two most important men in her life.  It was a shock to our entire family.  I couldn't even come to his funeral because I was too pregnant.  I felt so alone and isolated in my grief.

Kevin's footprints

 We were blessed with a little baby boy, who just totally surprised us.   We didn't even know we were pregnant until I was fourteen weeks along. I was sent to have a amniocentesis and the needle punctured the amniotic sac and caused his demise.  I was exactly 20  weeks along.   Kevin Micheal Spencer Gill was born Still on June 30, 1999.  1 in 250 pregnancies are lost because of amniocenteses.  These are not good odds and I would advise against it.  We would have kept whatever God chose to give us, healthy or not.

Edward Barnett 

Fifteen months ago my father passed away after suffering a stroke unexpectedly and died the very next day.  I am so thankful to God that he allowed us to bandage hurts from the past and become a very close father and daughter.  His death came as a surprise and shock to us all.  The night before he watched a TV program with us and I went to wake him the next day and he was unresponsive.  He spent the night at the hospital and the next evening he passed away peacefully.

So here we are walking in the shadow of the valley of death waiting for tomorrow...

A call in the night...

A call in the night... We were watching (Ground Hog Day) and my cell phone rang, it was my mom.  I had thought about her off and on all day long and decided to let her get a hold of me if she needed anything. She said,"Would you mind coming over and spending the night?"  I said, "Mom, is everything OK?"  She assured me it was, she just wanted my company.  I told her I would get some stuff together and be over in about an hour.

My Mom and I

When I arrived at her place, it has a security front door, so you have to pick up the phone and call her and then she buzzes you into her building. I called her and was surprised when she met me at the door and gave me a big hug and told me how happy she was that I had come over.  We walked back to her apartment and once inside the door she turned to me and said, "I am starting to think that the Doctors are right about this being cancer" This is the first time she has ever shown any emotion.  She got a little teary eyed and we said something that made us both laugh and it cut the tension.

I took a shower, while she tucked herself into bed.  When I got out of the shower and got my pajamas on and she had me climb into her tiny little twin bed, and we just talked.  She wanted to make sure David, my husband wasn't upset about my coming over to spend the night, I reassured her he wasn't mad at all.   She asked me to make her a drink and then complained about her feet hurting her, so when I brought her drink to her, I offered to rub her feet.

I pulled up a chair at the end of her bed got some lotion and just rubbed her feet and we talked and talked.  She finally had talked herself to sleep and I just sat there in the dim light of her room and watched her breathing.  I can hear her wheeze as she breathes in.  I sat there for a long time, I said a little prayer, thanking God for this moment with my mom.

Welcome to Walmart...

Walmart day: I called my mom and told her hey mom I am on my way to come take you to the Walmart.  I was in the car and on my way to her place.  I thought for sure she would be ready and waiting for me to arrive and take her considering how excited she was about going to Walmart.

I arrive at her place and look all over for her.  She wasn't in her apartment, or on the back yard area and then a little lady in the lobby tells me she is in the laundry room.  I go into the laundry room and there she is putting  the last shiny quarter into the machine.  She talks to me as we are walking back to her apartment and once we get inside, she tells me that she cannot leave with her clothes in the washer.  Oh this was so frustrating! I thought to myself, well we have been talking about going to Walmart for four days now. She says to me, "You go on ahead and go without me to Walmart."  I told her, "Mom you wanted to go to Walmart, I don't need to go to Walmart.  I am here to take you to Walmart"  After a few tense moments she finally decides that she can trust Lori the lady in charge of her senior housing to transfer her clothes to the dryer and put them in her house.

Off we go to the Walmart.   I am too busy helping her push the cart I didn't see it until we almost tripped a guy with her cane.  We get inside and  start our shopping and I remember that I left the stupid list back inside the car.  So I told her to just wait for me and I would hurry back to her.  I went to the car and sure enough there was that list sitting right on the front console where I'd left it.  My mom has limited sight because of cataracts since birth and a stroke inside her eye, that left her good eye with partial fields of vision.  That is what requires her to use a cane.  She was able to go to a state funded center so she could adjust to her limited vision and stayed there a good part of a year, a few years ago.

We go down her list and get everything she wanted.  She was so happy to get those horrid bright orange circus peanuts.  My grandpa used to eat those and I tried them when I was a little girl and have never liked them.  I am surprised to find that she is a big fan of those orange candies that are shaped like a peanut on one side.  We got her stuff all to the cash register and she checked out.

Our next stop was to Hobby Lobby to get flowers to put on Michael's grave.  I wrote a few days ago that it was on Saturday the 21st but realized it was Sunday the 22nd.  I don't know how I got that date wrong.   She was a little disappointed that they didn't have red carnations and shared with me that Michael had gotten her a bouquet of red carnations when he was a little boy.  That was always his favorite flower.   We found another bouquet for my grandparents and their little baby boy Rickey that was born and lived for just one day.   Michael's bouquet had several nice red roses mixed with different colored flowers.

We stopped at my bank and got some money so I could put gas in our car.  I was on the "big Iguana"  The big empty we used to say that, when the kids were little and laughed when we realized Iguana wasn't spelled with an e like it sounds.  Anyways we ended up at McDonald's because my mom had to go potty, and while we were there had two yogurt parfaits and a soda and just chatted.  We talked about how thankful I was to have the grandparents I did.  How they lived their lives making a monument for themselves in their children's hearts.

We got to the cemetery and the dark sky started to just sprinkle rain on us as we went from grave site, to grave site, putting flowers on graves and remembering our loved ones.    My mom mentioned that she wanted some donuts and I took her by Scotty's on the way home and she got a dozen to share with her friends there at her senior housing.

I kissed and hugged her goodbye she told me that she was planning to go to her bible study tomorrow.  I told her to call me if she needed me and I would come back over.

Sunday Supper

I got a message from my mom's friend Kelley Hannah Joslin who was planning on going over to visit her on Sunday.  I was going to wait for a while before going over to her house so they would have time to visit.  I finally went over to her house around 4 pm and she was busy chatting with Kelley.  Kelley is a sweet girl she has brown hair cut right below her neck and the prettiest round brown eyes.  She's about my age, late forties, who has been a close friend to my mom, ever since my mom worked for her family cooking hamburgers at Hannah's Triangle over 30 years ago.  My mom was in her wedding twenty years ago and still has her dress that she proudly announces is a size 8.

The plan was to go to Walmart and then over to the cemetery to place flowers on Michael's grave.  We got busy just chatting and even though Kelley left soon afterward. We decided that we were going to put off our trip to Walmart for another day.  I told my mom that I had put a prime Rib in the oven before I left and invited her to come to my house for Sunday Supper.  My mom was very excited to come over for dinner and we left and headed to my house.

The prime rib turned out wonderful~  All these years I have been searing my roasts in a pan on the stove with hot oil and seasoning and then cooking in the oven.  The trick to a tasty roast is to bake it at 550 degrees for 20 minutes and then turn the oven down to 350 degrees and bake for the remainder of time to pounds ratio.

I walked  through the door and whipped up a side dish and angel food cake and brownies.  My mom visited with our friends who are staying with us and my daughters while I finished dinner. We were getting ready to carve the roast and I think my mom was so hungry she could have eaten it off the bone.

We served up my husband David, on a TV tray, who couldn't leave the television or the 49's would surely loose.  It sure was a close and disappointing game.  We all sat down around the table gave thanks to God and ate our meal.
There was the normal table talk with lots of chatter.  Yelling and moaning came from the living room, where a field goal leveled any chance for our 49'ers to go to the Superbowl.    Dinner was soon over and the dishes were cleared and desert was served.  It was time to go and my mom went to find her purse and cane and it wasn't where she thought she put it.

We looked and looked, all over the house. I thought where in the world could her purse have been put? She swore up and down, her purse was around her neck, when she was tasting the meat.  Everyone was a part of this search party, we looked in baskets, in the car, on the hook, that I place my purse on when I walk through the door.  That purse was no where to be found.  I said to my mom, "You know mom we are both blondes"  I told her about the time that I could have sworn I left my purse at the dog groomers and called the groomer and asked them three to times to please look again for my purse, each time the lady would come back and tell me that my purse was not there.  I was so sure it had been left there, I was in shock when my husband went home to find it on our front porch swing.   I told her, "You probably left it your house."  She says, "I am platinum, you might be a blonde, but I am platinum.I am positive I had it here"

So, after looking again I convinced her that we go check and see if its at her home and if not, we would come back to my house and I was prepared to tare it apart to find it.  My friend Lynda volunteered to drive us in her rental car, because her car is still in the shop.  I was a little relieved because if we had to make a round trip it would be cheaper gas for me.  Her little rental takes way less fuel then my "Ford-a-saurus"  Excursion

We walk through her door and what is sitting on her counter?  Well it was her purse.
 We had a good laugh. What a relief!  I cannot begin to tell you how happy I was to see her purse.  I will say that through the whole saga of the missing purse my mom was very calm cool and collected the whole entire time.  I would like to know who this woman is and what did she do with my mom! ~smile~  I hugged her and told her to call me when she wakes up I am taking her to Walmart tomorrow finally.

Surrounded in love!

Brendon Gill, Great Grandma Ju-Ju, Jacob and Christina Gill 

I woke up this morning and waited for my mom to call and finally mid-morning, I called her and got to hear her outgoing message, we made the day before.  It made me chuckle.  I left a message for her to call me and then my son Brendon started to text me, to find the best number to get a hold of her.  I was glad to hear he was going to keep his word and go visit her today.  I know that this will make her happy and she needs to be surrounded in love by everyone that loves her.
My mom called me back and her first words were, "I've been missing you!"  I told her that I was waiting for her call and then told her Bren and his family were coming to see her.  I told her that when I talked to Brendon, I let him know where she lives and how to get there.   My mom moved after my dad died, to a senior housing that was just newly built, she has just lived there a little over six months.

Michael Barnett 

Today is also my brother Michael's birthday, he would be 49 this year. This day comes every year as a bittersweet memory of what was. Michael took his own life 14 years ago. I always try to call her and let her know I am thinking of her on this day. Even if your child is gone, you still are their mom and your love for them and their memory never fades . Happy birthday Michael!

Memories

My mom decided to add remote voice mail to her phone so she can at least have people leave a message when she is on the phone.    I was really proud of her because she was proactive in ordering this service, but she became frustrated when she went to set it up.  I came over to bring her my homemade noodles and meatballs and visit for a while.  She greeted me and then told me how frustrated she had become with setting up her voice mail and asked for my help.

I took her directions that she had written on a piece of paper and tried and tried to follow it when setting up her voice mail.  Then we decided that I should go online to figure this out, well at my mom's housing place they have internet and a community computer for anyone to use.  I asked one of her neighbors if she wouldn't mind if I just popped on for a few minutes.  This took, I am not exaggerating, three hours.

I discovered that there needed to be a pin number, but that number had to be mailed to her.  I called four times and was told my call would be answered within a minute.  This minute lasted over 20 minutes long. I told my mom that we need to have AT&T tell us what time she has left on this earth, because whatever the number is; its going to be lots, more time, by the way they measure it. We all laughed!   When we finally got this all settled and done with a recorded outgoing message it was over four hours of googling, typing and calling.

The nice lady that gave up her computer to me, was kind enough to bring me homemade peanut brittle!  She had just made the peanut brittle that morning.  So that was my bonus.  My bonus was also the precious time that we got to spend together today.  We got to touch briefly on what she wants and we talked about her desire to stay in her own home until she dies, and then we took a trip down memory lane.

Isn't it funny, that we can share a memory and have two different memories.  She started sharing the story about when my mom was on a bridge, over a dam and being attacked by a bee and since she allergic to bees; she is afraid of them too.  She freaked out and flung her white shinny, patent leather, purse over the side of the bridge.  I remember distinctly that we looked over the bridge and watched her purse floating in the water below but, we had no way to get there to retrieve it.    Her memory is I was a small infant and she had just passed me to my grandmother but I remember the whole thing and I was about four or so.   We both insisted that our memory was the correct one and then she said she,"Well I am just going to  have to ask Mamma and Daddy when I get to heaven and see who's right"  We both chuckled, and I said, "Well mom, were are going to have to figure out a sign to let me know you were right" and she said wistfully, "You know I think all this stuff isn't going to be important.  I think we are going to be too focused on worshiping Jesus."  We both got quiet and agreed.

Her phone rings and its the Dr's office she has an appointment for the CT scan its January 31st at 8 AM, she is not to take any blood thinners or aspirin and she is to eat a light breakfast that morning.  So now the waiting begins...

Of course, I am torn in fifty directions, so while I was there; I got a text to pick up ice and knew that my family would devour the tasty meal that I had prepared for them, without me, if I didn't get on the road.  I told my mom that I would come back tomorrow and see her just give me a call when she wakes up.   We kissed and hugged and then off I went to the store and then home to feed the hungry masses.

There is a protocol...

"There is a protocol that needs to be followed with four steps " Said the female voice over the phone at the Kaweah Delta Radiology. She told me that they are on step three and won't be contacting her until next week with an appointment for the Ct Scan biopsy. I thought if I called them I could speed up at least the appointment process.

My mom called me in the morning before I made my call. She is still vigilant about keeping her phone lines open. She doesn't have call waiting; she said she doesn't like it because it distracts her thought, when she hears the beep, which I would have to agree. I can't tell you how many times I have felt bad telling someone, "Hey my husband is on the phone, let me let you go."

I told my mom about Brendon coming to see her tomorrow and she is very excited. I said; "Mom you are loved, this is the time you need to let people love you." She gives me a deep sigh and she goes into denial, "Well, you know we aren't really sure it's cancer." I told her, "Mom, we have been told twice that it is cancer, we just don't know what kind or how bad it is." What a nice daughter! I feel like the cancer Grinch. For one moment you want to escape from reality, oh no your daughter, the cancer Grinch reminds you how grim it is.

Dear Lord please keep your arm around my shoulders and your hand over my mouth. AMEN