Holding onto HOPE!

Denial is not a river in Egypt: it's a tricky little thing, that gives you false hope. Denial is the mirage in the desert of life, when you are searching for good news.

 Last night my mom called me at about 10:30 PM and asked if I wanted to come over and spend the night.  We hadn't had a chance to catch up on her trip details. and this morning she had her MRI with contrast of the brain.  I told her, I would stay overnight with her and got my pajamas together and drove over there, when I arrived, she was very tried but wanted to visit with me.

So we sat up, until after three in the morning, talking and laughing about stupid things.  At one point in our conversation she says, "You know, I just think they are going to tell me that its all been a mix up- you know how they switch medical records by accident."   

I was silent for moment.  She just needed to say those words out-loud and listen to them as they left her mouth.

I asked her, if she thought she might be tripping down denial?   She said, "Yeah maybe a little."   I told her, "Well Mom let's just sit in denial for another week-" she is going to see her oncologist on March 6th and he is going to give her the news.  We are hoping that this isn't in her brain, but I am afraid the PET scan, is going to tell us something that has already spread to her brain.

She has only been sad less then a handful of times and I think that after we leave the land of denial, we might just land right in the middle of sadness.  So for today, right now, we are living in denial.  It is blissful, but we are also haunted with the ever looming presence of her deteriorating health.  She has been complaining for a while about headaches that bother her everyday.  (This is not a good sign.)  Her balance is off,  she almost fell on me twice while I was there.  She cannot walk the length of JC Penny's without stopping to rest.  Her wheeze is much more noticeable then before she left on her trip to Palm Desert.

As Margaret Weiss once said, " Hope is the denial of reality" So for today, right now, we hold on to hope!

SECOND ANNIVERSARY OF MY 48th birthday

our 50th and 30th birthdays.

My Birthday is February 24th; I just turned forty-eight, this is the second anniversary of my 48th birthday.  It's quite a funny story, last year, my mom called and sang me happy birthday on the phone and I thanked her and told her that I felt really old turning 48, my mom got quiet and then she said,  "You aren't forty-eight you are forty-seven this year.  I think I would know! I was there when you were born."  I started counting and then realized she was right.  We just broke into laughter.

Judy and LaDon 48 and 67 

She had a big day planned for us it started with breakfast served at Sierra Meadows where my mom lives.  We had a nice big plate of pancakes, sausage, orange juice and coffee  We visited with the ladies at our table my mom's friend Betty had her granddaughter and her two little boys.  We finished with breakfast and left headed toward the mall I called and made an appointment at JC Penney's to get our pictures done.  I had ordered feather Boas to kind of go with the theme of our birthday pictures at 30 and 50 and the plan was to get pictures taken like this again when I turned 50 and she turned 70. Fearing this would never come to pass. we decided to just go a head and have our pictures taken today.

My mom has a skiers tan from being outside with her big sun glasses on.  She has big white circles around her eyes just like goggles had been there.  So we stopped at the make up counter and got one of the girls to put some concealer around her eyes.  We even got her to apply some eye shadow.  It took, just the right amount of time because when she was done and we had purchased a necklace and the concealer it was time to get our pictures done.

mom and Stephanie getting her makeup done

The photographer Crystal, was so nice, one time during the shoot my mom told her that she had been diagnosed with stage IV Lung cancer and that this might be the last pictures we take.  It just hit me like, I had never heard this before and tears just started falling down my cheeks.  The photographer took the picture as my mom reached over and kissed my face.  It was a very tender moment.

We ordered our pictures they will be in March 1st. We decided to go meet up with David and Olivia, my husband and youngest daughter at A&W; we were still pretty full from breakfast but we both ordered something to drink and we chatted with them while they ate their lunch.

We decided it was time to go get a pedicure and drove over to the nail place.  She seems more tired now, and she is very unsteady on her feet.  She had to take a pain pill at lunch because of that headache that has been haunting her since before her diagnosis.  I was so relaxed, I fell asleep and woke up to painted toenails.  I have never done that before, I was thankful I chose my nail color before I took my nap.

We decided see the movie, "The Vow" and it was like perfect timing, we had just enough time to get to the store and purchase some candy and bottled water to sneak into the theater.  I left her in the car as I went into the store to get our stuff and while I was in there, I spotted this pretty little girl about the age of eight years old in a beautiful peacock blue satin dress.  When I got in line, this little girl came back into the store with a handful of cash and tried to get back to the cashier, but was told that she would have to wait in line.  I motioned her to come get in front of me and watched her as she counted her change on the counter, "twenty-five, seventy-five, eighty"  Her little face pensive and her hands shaking because she realized for a second time, she didn't have the amount needed.  I asked the cashier "What does she need?  I will pay the difference."  She needed a dollar more, the little girl thanked me over and over again, as I fished out a dollar from my purse.  I told her,  "You are very pretty!  I love your dress." and she said, "Thank you, I am going to a daughter-daddy dance!"  I called out to her as she hurried out of the store. "Well make some good memories!"

I made my purchase and then hurried back to the car as we drove to the movies, I told my mom about the pretty little girl in the blue dress.   We got our tickets and popcorn and I was relieved my mom didn't make me sit right in the front row.  Instead we sat about five rows back from the front.  The movie was incredibly boring and every now and then, it sounded like coins being thrown at the back of our chairs.  I didn't realize it until the movie was almost over that there was a row of seven little junior high kids sitting behind us a few rows away and the noise that I thought were coins were actually ice they were chucking in our direction.   At once point, I even looked back and yelled "What the heck!"

When the movie ended even before the credits were rolling, my mom started walking toward these kids and with her blind cane; she shook it at them and told them how they ruined the movie for us.  I was a little worried, I would have to bail her out of jail if that cane shook any harder; because she was pretty peeved.  The group of kids just looked astonished, that we would call them out on their bad behavior.

We laughed about it in the car, on the way home.  We had planned on dinner, but neither of us was hungry after our popcorn and candy snack at the movies.  I got out of the car and hugged her again and thanked her for making my day special!  She is leaving tomorrow to go see her friend Glenda in the palm dessert.

Oncology appointment today

She has a 4.5 CM tumor on her upper Right lobe and a 2.5 cm tumor on her right middle lower lobe
She also has three tumors on her left lung that range from 1.3 CM to 1.9 CM  I have placed X's to represent  where these might be in her lungs based on the report. 

Today at 10:30 my mom her friend Arlene and I go in to see her oncologist. We arrived at the same time at the oncologist. She has completed two of the three tests he has ordered.  She got her PET scan on Valentines day which she said it took about three hours and they started scanning below her eyebrows to the bottom of the trunk of her body.  Yesterday, February 16th, she had a bone scan.

I woke up this morning and Samantha has been up all night with a tummy ache.  So the plan for the day is to attend my mom's doctors appointment and then take Sami-Jo out to see the pediatrician.  Samantha has pain in her upper left abdominal quadrant.

  At the appointment  Dr. Kuo was very nice, I really like him.  He explained to my mom that the PET scan showed that her lymphatic system was cancer free as well as her abdominal cavity. So it has not spread to her lymph nodes like the earlier CAT scan had shown.

Her bone scan said on the report that said: Foci of uptake in the calvarium suspicious for metastatic lesions.  Which in layman's terms means that there are spots on her brain that they suspect might be cancerous. we will not have anything definite until she has her MRI with Contrast, which will have to be rescheduled sometime next month because of a conflict in her travel plans.

Her PET scan described the location and size of her tumors on her lungs. The largest mass has a SUV Standard uptake value of 18.8.  and the smaller tumor on her right middle lobe has an SUV uptake value of 6.4,   all of these tumors are described medically as hypermetabolic which means fast growing.
There was also a paragraph that said

she has multiple hypermetabolic bilateral pulmonary lesions are identified and described.

Hypermetabolic right paratracheal, right hilar, subcarinal and aortopulmonary window pathologic lymph nodes are seen. No evidence of left hilar lymphandenopathy.  It's all Greek to me.
(Which means that there are cancerous lymph nodes next to her trachea, and in the area between both lungs.The left lymph node is normal)


Her next appointment is scheduled for March 6 at 8 AM


diagram of lung taken from website: http://www.innerbody.com/anim/lungs.html

SISTER LOVE!

Robin and I 

Robin and Michael on their wedding day

Sisters... My mom has two sisters both younger than her.  Growing up I had always wished I had a sister and then my brother married Robin Garcia.  She has been a very good daughter in law to both my parents and a wonderful Sister of the heart.  We are so blessed to have her as a part of our family.

The Goldsmith girls
Judy, Ruthie and Norma June

This weekend both my mom's sisters are coming into town to see her.  Aunt Ruthie arrived last night and Aunt Nornie should either already be here or is on her way.  They were going to make a trip to Nevada, but my mom cancelled her trip because she is tired all the time now.

I used to love it when all three girls were at my grandparents house.  There was always such a buzz of activity and laughter.  My grandmother raised her daughters to be close, and they are.  I went over to my mom's house to just visit with her and wait for Aunt Ruthie to arrive.

I brought our two youngest daughters along with me because we had just dropped off Savannah at her house to visit with her mom until Monday, when I pick her up for the school week.  Savannah hasn't been home for three weeks.  My mom wanted me to read her devotional to her and I did.  It was the story of Jacob and Esau of how Jacob stole Esau's  blessing.  We talked about how this was an example of parental favoritism.  How Esau must have been so disappointed when he realized his mother was a part of the deception.  How broken hearted Esau must have been when he asked his father for at least one blessing.

Genesis 27:38 Esau said to his father, "Do you have only one blessing, my father? Bless me too, my father!" Then Esau wept aloud.

 Her Apartment was a hub of activity,   Right after my Aunt Ruthie got there and we had just said our hellos.  One of the residents Jimmy George brought her a hand-carved cross he put on a string and hung it around my mom's neck. He shared with her his testimony for the lord and told her he had a near death experience, was almost electrocuted,.  It was very interesting.  He has recently moved into the building and has already found himself a girlfriend, her name is Linda, she came with him and was sitting on the couch, while he told his story.  Before he left, he prayed with her.

Linda, Mr. George, mom and Olivia 

Samantha and Olivia are very close to grandma.  My mom came to Florida; to be with me right after my brother, Michael died, because I was nine months pregnant with Sami-Jo.  I thank God she was there, because after Samantha's birth, I had a spinal headache, like a migraine, except this lasted for two weeks straight.  I could barely lift my head off the pillow, it throbbed constantly and my momma was so good about bringing Samantha in to be to nurse and she took such good care of her and me.  She cut the umbilical cords on both the girls. 

On our way home Samantha said to me, "My heart hurts."  I looked over at her and asked, "Is it physical pain or are you sad?" and she said both.  Our friend Tony and my husband made spaghetti dinner and we ate dinner and I sensed Samantha needed some mommy time; so I took her upstairs to my big comfy bed and snuggled with her and she just cried and cried.  I just held her in my arms and told her to just let it out.  This is what my mom used to tell me when I would cry on her shoulder.  She cried so hard. my sleeve was wet with her tears.  Samantha had her books with her and we talked about what she was reading and she read  me her book and I fell asleep with her in my arms reading to me.

Broken wing

Take these broken wings and learn to fly again learn to live so free...

 A song from the eighties which reminded me of our day today.  Today we called and asked our middle son Robby.my mom and Aunt Ruthie to meet us around the corner from her house at the Country Waffle,  for breakfast.  We wanted to do something with Robby for his early birthday. We had a nice visit.  My mom, Aunt Ruthie and I all ordered waffles, while Robby and David ate hardy chicken fried steak breakfasts.  It was nice to chat around the table.

My mom went to pour her syrup and there was sticky droplets of syrup on the bottle and handle and her hand got really sticky.  She got a little irritated at the waitress because after several requests for a wet washcloth, she never brought her anything to wipe off her sticky hands.  Breakfast finished and we all headed our separate ways.  David and I went to go get tires on the excursion and then went and had a coffee date just us.  It is very rare that we get out together and have time just by ourselves.

We had just barely sat down and I saw I had a missed call, it was our youngest daughter.  Olivia was crying into the phone again, but this time I could hear intense pain in her voice and even though the message was mostly incoherent sobs, I heard her say her arm really hurts.  I had just hung up on the voice message and Samantha called me and told me that Olivia was in a lot of pain and she thinks her arm is broken.  I told my husband David we have to get home!  We were only five minutes away from home but it seemed to take an eternity to get there.

I walked through the door and Olivia was ashen white, laying on the love seat. Tears were fresh on her face and she was whimpering.  I looked at her arm and she was very protective, about my helping her to her feet, once I got her to the Emergency Room, she said she couldn't move her neck.  I told her to stay in the car and I rushed inside to get someone to help me get her out of the car.  I told the lady at the desk, my daughter was tackled to the ground by a little boy and  her arm is broken and now she is complaining of neck pain.

I had a girl go with me and we wheeled her back into the ER and we waited a short time before they called her back.  The Physician's assistant looked at her clavicle and said that it obviously looked broken, she was afraid he might have a dislocated shoulder as well.  We went to X-ray and then back to wait for the Doctor's final word on what is going on.  She finally came back and put a sling on Olivia and the Dr. came in and said it is only a broken clavicle not anything else.  She has to be in a sling for 6 weeks with pain medication.

We stopped by to see my mom and both her sisters were there.  She was resting in the bedroom and I came in and gave her a hug and told her I was just stopping by for a moment she said, "You stay as long as you want. I am just resting, I can hear you from the other room."  I visited a little with everyone and her friend Arlene came by with a jello salad.  They were planning on going out to dinner later and I had to get back home to fix my family dinner.

PET SCAN APPOINTMENT

I left my cell number with the oncologist just in case they needed to contact her about the PET scan and they called today and left a message and I called back.  She is scheduled for February 14, 2012: Valentines day, to have a PET Scan.  She has to arrive by 10:30 in the morning and she will be given another call to inform her about the preparation for the appointment, basically directions on what she needs to do before.

I called my mom and gave her the information about her appointment and we chatted.  Today is the day I go out to Lemoore to grocery shop and run errands.  I asked her if she needed me to pick up anything. We want to go see that movie, " Extremely Loud, Incredibly Close."  and while she was on the phone she told me she wanted to call me last night but thought I'd be asleep and I told her I wanted to call her but thought the same thing.  We have that "ESPN" connection again.   She told me that she decided that she wants to go have pictures, have lunch and go see a movie that is coming out on my birthday.  I told her that she should go on her trip and she said she prayed about it and she feels like she needs to celebrate my birthday and then leave the next day.

I told her I would be by later to see her and wanted to take her and her friends pictures.  I called her later when I was on the way home from the grocery store and told her that I was going to put away the groceries and I would be over.  She sounds so tired on the phone.  I told her to get some rest and call me when she wakes up she said, "No you come over I will wait for you."  So I lugged in all the groceries and put them away and put together a bag of stuff that I bought for her at the store.  They had a sale on Cranberry juice and she loves cranberry juice so I picked up extra.

 I feel a sense of urgency to get back to her when I am gone.  She called me the other day just to tell me she was thinking about me.  I had just finished praying for her and the phone rang.  It made me feel like God heard my prayer and whispered in her ear to call me.  I don't want to overwhelm her with my presence but I want to be there when she needs me.

I pulled up in front of her building and she wasn't in her apartment,  I tapped on the door and Lori the property manager was there she let me in and said my mom was probably out on the bench where her posse congregate.
Her group of ladies consists of Betty who is several years her senior and rides around in a motorized chair but can get up and walk short distances.  She has salt and pepper grey hair ..  Arlene who has short blonde slightly wavy hair and a very pretty face.  She looks so good for her age. Arlene has a radiant tan from living in Hawaii before she relocated to Visalia.   She is my mom's bestie. These are just a few of the group she hangs out with.

We walked back to her place and my mom told me that she was tired.  We talked about going to see a movie but when you don't feel good you don't want to go anywhere.  She ate a plate of food Arlene had brought to her and she talked on the phone to her sister Ruthie, who is coming down tomorrow to stay with her for a few days.

We decided on the last minute that we would go to the mall and get some refills of the air fresheners at Bed Bath and Beyond.  When we got to the mall I asked her if she wanted a pretzel from Auntie Annie's.  Those pretzels are the best!  We both got a salted pretzel and walked over to the Bed bath and beyond to shop.  They had a special on those oil refills so I got her three and I got three for me.  While we were there they rolled down the metal doors which signaled to us they were closing.

I took her home, hugged and kissed her goodbye and had to go meet David for a late dinner because he had lodge.

Dragons and other scary beasts...like CANCER

Cancer is like...a great big scary beast you dare not speak it's name or it might swoop down on you and make you wish you had never heard of such a thing.   There are lots of different scary beasts in the world, as there are lots of different cancers, each one has a different name and personality.

We all went with my mom to her oncologist it was in Tulare.   I felt like my mom's entourage, we had her friend Arlene, my sister in law Robin, niece Monica and I.  We were informed that this cancer she has is NON-SMALL CELL CARCINOMA (Our Dragon has a name!)  I asked why its not large cell carcinoma and the doctor told us that there are five sub-categories of this cancer and its depends on what it looks like under the microscope.   He named them off and the only one I recall is squamous cell, the only reason this comes to mind  is my year of biology in college.  Her dragon is Adenocarcinoma and it's also the most common form of lung cancer.  The good news is this is a slower cancer then the small cell cancer cousin.  The bad news is there is a five year survial rate, and she is stage four.

While we waited for the doctor there was a poem in a frame on the counter in the doctors office.  He has a big, comfy, leather recliner in each exam room instead of an exam table for the patient.  So my mom sat in that chair and I spotted the poem and asked my niece Monica if she would read the poem out loud she declined she was afraid she would cry.  So I began to read it....

What Cancer Cannot Do

Author: Unknown

Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.

We all sat in silence and everyone commented on what a nice poem it was, it reminded me of the bible verse about God's love. Romans 8:35 "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?"  The answer is nothing separates us from God's love.

The doctor seemed nice he was a short, older Chinese man with salt and pepper grey hair and spoke pretty good English. He was reassuring that chemotherapy has changed in the last thirty years, its not as hard to take and the side effects aren't as harsh. He asked the same questions that mom and Arlene has filled out on a form. It seemed redundant to ask them again, when they were answered on a paper before she was even seen.

I could tell my mom was irritated and in pain. She says her head hurts all the time and now her pain is in in her legs. I feel bad for her and all I could do is reach over and rub her back and reassure her silently. The doctor is ordering lots of tests: a PET Scan which basically injects sugar into the vein and cancer is attracted to sugar and where the cancer is, it glows brightly. This will give us a map of where our dragon has been in her body. The next test is a bone scan to make sure the cancer hasn't spread to her bones. And the last test is an MRI with contrast to see if it has spread to her brain. The scary part of this cancer is it spreads to the brain in 60% of the patients with lung cancer. I hope this isn't the case with her.

The group decides to go back to her house and Robin is going to pick up pizza. I had to attend a board meeting so I just had her drop me off on the way home. I asked Robin for a ride, because I wanted to talk to her after the appointment we hardly get to visit in our busy lives. I knew we would have things to say. They all went back and had pizza together. My mom said they had a nice time, and once again, she is surrounded in love.

Pepsi and quarters...

Olivia and Jessica Rager
 getting their groove on

My mom called me yesterday and asked if I would bring over some Pepsi.  I was at a rainbow installation with our girls and  I had planned to bring her over some last night but, I forgot that there was a dance after the installation and my girls love to dance!  We had a good time, we helped clean up afterward and I offered to drive some of the left over food home for the Hoffman family.  They looked exhausted.  It is a lot of work to host an installation, both their daughters were in gorgeous dresses and the food was wonderful.  I was happy to help.  We have a big Ford Excursion so it can hold lots of stuff and myself and three girls to help them cart all the food in.

Samantha, Savannah and Olivia

I woke up this morning and gave my daughters directions on getting their chores done.  We have a little girl living with us who is one year between the girls.  So we have 13, 12, and 11 year olds.  Savannah's parents became homeless right after Christmas and they are staying in a garage with her grandmother on the other side of town.  Savannah would of had to change schools and there really isn't room for her there.  We have plenty of room at our house and she is such a sweet little girl it's a blessing having her here. 

My mom had called me and asked for quarters for her washing machine; if I could pick some up for her, when I got her Pepsi.  So off I go to the dollar store, no sooner did my feet hit the door when my cell phone starts ringing.  It was Olivia and I could hardly understand what she was saying through her sobs.  "Momma, Sami-Jo is being mean to me."  I told her that she needed to get along with her sister and do her chores or she would be in big trouble when I got home.  That phone rang four times and each time unintelligible sobs came from the other end.  I finally had to say, don't call me again.  My brain was fried.  I felt so stressed out, I couldn't even find the money in my wallet to pay for my purchases.  I finally found it and the cashier was happy that I wasn't holding up her line anymore.  

I had planned to bring the Pepsi and quarters and stay for a short while.  Once I got to her apartment, she had to walk her dog, so we ended up outside with some of her friends sitting on a bench talking about their plans for the Superbowl and the party they are going to have.  My mom leans over to me and says, "I have been so busy since I moved here with all these party's."  We both looked at each other with a knowing glance.  We both know she loves the excitement.  Today's excitement included fire trucks responding to her housing complex because one of her neighbors decided to put her oven on the self clean cycle; and this oven was too dirty for this option.  The dirty oven smoked out the entire building, and caused the alarm to sound, the same alarm that sounded the night we found out she had cancer.  

We talked about her upcoming trip to Nevada to see her sisters. Aunt Ruthie lives in Nevada and Aunt Nornie would travel from the Bay Area and meet her in Sacramento.   She had been wanting to go see her friend Glenda, who she met at the blind center and she lives in Palm dessert, her friend Arlene; who would be giving her a ride there, was going to leave around my birthday and she didn't want to miss it.  I told her to go see her friend.   We could celebrate our birthdays together when she got back. We are just two weeks apart and twenty years difference in age.  I told her, "Mom you should travel while you feel healthy enough to; you never know how much time you have before you won't be up to traveling."

David, LaDon, Robby and Jeremy

I offered to put her wash in the machines, but my mom had to walk down to the laundry with me and show me how to wash clothes.  I had to chuckle a little bit, because I have been washing clothes for over twenty-eight years now.  I married a widowed man with two small children and I got thrown into the whole housewife gig overnight. I just stood there while she loaded the washers; all the time complaining about the fact that she HATES front loaders.  I had to get back home and take the body count see who was left standing after epic battle in the Gill home.  So I gave my mom a hug and kissed her goodbye and left for home.  

I drove down our street and was relieved to see all three girls and Olivia comes up to my window and announces, "Our bikes got jacked!" I was so mad! I said in a very calm voice, "Both your bikes were stolen? In a louder voice I asked, "Why weren't they locked up on the porch?"  No one could answer that question for me.  Later they came to me and said they suspected that they were locked together and someone stole them both.(Highly doubtful!)  I laugh now as I am reading this because they must have thought about this for quite some time and came up with an answer that would deflect any blame that might be coming their way.  

In Death's shadow...

Non Small cell lung cancer...This is what we are fighting.   My mom had my sister in law Robin and her daughter Monica come and meet us at the clinic. We all crammed into a little exam room.  Her doctor came in cheerful as ever, tomorrow is her birthday and during her exam, my mom started singing, "Happy Birthday" to her.  She told us the grim news that it was what we had suspected; but hoped in our hearts wasn't. Monica put her head in her hands and sobbed quietly.  My mom reached over to console her oldest granddaughter as Dr. Mahoney handed Monica a box of tissues.   She had printed up a paper that told us all about it.  The symptoms and how they detect it.

She has put in a consult to the Oncologist and we are all going to go there on Monday.  As I write this my mind keeps repeating this so I will just close with it.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

The day before...

Today is the day before tomorrow... Which is the day that we will find out exactly what we are dealing with.  My mom had her CT Scan with biopsy on January 31st  which is almost two weeks since we got the diagnosis in the emergency room.  Lots of thoughts flood my mind as I wait for this day to finish and tomorrow to begin.

My grandmother  Jo Goldsmith

I think about everyone we have lost to death in my lifetime.  All of them have been very sudden departures. When I was young my little cousin Charlene died and although she was ill; it came as a surprise that she had passed way.  I was sad about her passing but her death was hardest on her mother Norma, "Aunt Nornie" who had lost her only daughter.   My beloved grandmother Jo Goldsmith; who always made an effort to make everyone feel so special and loved, had a heart attack; went in for a bypass surgery, had a stroke a day later and died with our family surrounding her bed and singing hymns and praises to Jesus.   What a beautiful way to leave this earth and be guided into the heavenly realms.  Her death left me very sad for a very long time. I mourned my grandmother and had to go to see a counselor to deal with my grief.  Little did I know that the coping skills that I gained from my time on a counselors couch, would help me through the rest of my losses.

My next loss and this is one that no mother wants to ever do, loose a child, let alone your only daughter.  It was an accident and happened when we were in the middle of moving clear across the United States, from Washington state to Florida, for a job that my husband had taken.  Amanda was only five years old and looking back, I think I had a feeling something was very wrong.  I waited for the movers the whole entire morning to come and start packing our stuff up. The whole day the verse in Isaiah 40:31 kept coming to mind, But they that wait upon the LORD will renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. 
My husband had called numerous times because he had found a perfect house for us, but needed my signature; so we could proceed with an offer, of course this was way before every home had a fax machine.  I had to travel fifteen minutes into town to fax it at our Realtor's office, but I couldn't leave until our older boys got home from high school.   When they finally arrived I was fairly agitated because the movers were very late, my husbands persistent calls and the urgency in his voice that I had to get those papers signed.   I remember leaving our home and as I am walking down those stairs to leave, a sweet little voice calls back to me and says, "Wait! Momma you forgot to give me a kiss!"  I was in so much of a hurry that I just waved her off like a pesky fly and said I will kiss you when I get back. Little did I know at that very moment,  I would never get the chance to kiss that sweet, little rosy cheeked, girl again.

Amanda Gill 

 While I was signing the papers, I got a 911 page, it was my oldest son Jeremy and he was frantic, "The trailer is on fire and Amanda is trapped inside!" I was shaken, I asked him to repeat himself and then I rushed out to get in my car and drive home. We were kind of hanging out in the trailer because there was nothing left in the house that wasn't already packed.  I had to save my daughter!  I had to give her that kiss!  I promised!  As I got to the truck, I felt an overwhelming peace come over me, it felt like a big hug.  I paused for a moment and then started to talk to God out loud.  I said, "God I don't know what has happened; but if you have taken Amanda to heaven, you'd better just take me right now too!"   I just kept repeating this over and over and then when I rounded the corner I saw it, a beautiful rainbow and it was sitting right over our road.  It hadn't even rained that day!

We lived back in the forest of a very small town in Washington state.  So the road to our house was blocked by police cars and firetrucks.  I saw our oldest boy Jeremy standing in the road crying.  He came over and gave me a hug and all I could do is scream to the top of my lungs, "Don't you tell me she is dead! Don't say it Jeremy!!" He just grabbed me and through tears told me "Mom I am sorry Amanda is gone"  I just flung my body to the ground and wailed, I wished right then my heart would burst because it felt so full of pain! My son Jeremy, who seemed so much older then seventeen, helped me to my feet and walked with me up the hill to our home.  I saw my son Robby being treated by the paramedic he was crying but it seemed so surreal! I just kept walking toward our home. My son Brendon, who was eight, came up and was crying said, "Momma, Amanda is walking up to heaven on that rainbow"  and we both looked up and that rainbow was still just as bright and right over our road.

Looking back, that is exactly what she did, she told God, "Hey if I am going with you, I have to give my momma a hug first and then can we walk there on a rainbow?"  Amanda was so cleaver like that!  No matter what reverse psychology I tried on her, she was always on top of that game. " Amanda if you don't eat your food you won't get ice cream" I would tell her and she would casually look up and say, "That's OK I don't want ice cream anyway"  I was just in a daze we had her funeral a few days later and then we went on ahead and traveled to Florida where my husband had started his new job.  Our family grieved for Amanda.  We went into counseling to deal with our grief.

Grandpa Norman Goldsmith 

My maternal grandfather died and I was twenty weeks pregnant with our daughter Samantha when I flew from Florida to California to attend his funeral.  My grandfather was a great man!  He showed us the value of hard work and determination.  He was a migrant farmer in the late 1920's traveling to pick whatever crop was in season.  He was self educated and very, very smart.  He was a good Husband, Father and Grandfather.  I was sick when I attended his funeral and was hospitalized the day we buried him with a bad gallbladder.  I had to have it removed before I came back to Florida because I was so sick.

My Brother committed suicide just three months after my grandfather's death and this came as a double whammy to my mother who just lost the two most important men in her life.  It was a shock to our entire family.  I couldn't even come to his funeral because I was too pregnant.  I felt so alone and isolated in my grief.

Kevin's footprints

 We were blessed with a little baby boy, who just totally surprised us.   We didn't even know we were pregnant until I was fourteen weeks along. I was sent to have a amniocentesis and the needle punctured the amniotic sac and caused his demise.  I was exactly 20  weeks along.   Kevin Micheal Spencer Gill was born Still on June 30, 1999.  1 in 250 pregnancies are lost because of amniocenteses.  These are not good odds and I would advise against it.  We would have kept whatever God chose to give us, healthy or not.

Edward Barnett 

Fifteen months ago my father passed away after suffering a stroke unexpectedly and died the very next day.  I am so thankful to God that he allowed us to bandage hurts from the past and become a very close father and daughter.  His death came as a surprise and shock to us all.  The night before he watched a TV program with us and I went to wake him the next day and he was unresponsive.  He spent the night at the hospital and the next evening he passed away peacefully.

So here we are walking in the shadow of the valley of death waiting for tomorrow...