memories of Judy!

I placed a basket with purple ribbon around it on a table at the entry, these are the things people wrote:

Judy was an angel sent from heaven.  In my time of need, Judy came into my life to
help care for my five minor daughters.  It was a miracle how Judy bonded with them,
she actually became a grandmother to them.  To this day Judy still holds a special place in our hearts.                                   Paul Sanchez

                                                  ~~ My Judy~~

Lots of wonderful memories of Judy.  I met her when she started working for my brother Lonnie at Hannah's Triangle in Ivanhoe.  First great memory was when she made me a  barbie cake for my 18th birthday. She became a true best friend over the years- We got wild together. She was going through a midlife thingie and I was 21 so we did lots of dancing at  Faces, Marco Polo, El Presidente, (Flinstones). And then our next phase of life was just a true caring, loving relationship. Judy was in my wedding. I cherish my friendship with her above all others. She never forgot my birthday or my kids birthdays, never forgot mine or Donnie's wedding anniversary! She was amazing. I will miss her more than I can express.             <3 Kelley Joslin

  

"Every memory is an amazing one that will never be forgotten."
                                                    No name

"Even though I didn't know Judy, she seemed really nice.  She couldn't see or move around on her own very well, but think about it, she's in a better place she can do all those things now.  I know you're sad now, but think about it
she's in a better place and you will see her again."  
                                               Krystiana James

 "Judy was the brightest light in Ivanhoe.  She made the Triangle a joyful place to work."
                                                         Jimmie Hannah

"Judy will be missed by all at Sierra Medows.  She always had a smile on her beautiful face."                                                  No name

"Grandma Judy,

          You will always be in my heart. 
                    Your friend,"  Paula Ortiz

"I remember how vibrant she was!  So much fun! She was the "life" of the 8:00 AM Coffee hour.  Things picked up when Judy got there!  She never let her "seeing disablility" get in her way,  She was so funny!  She treated each of us like family!  I loved her like a sister!"     Her Friend, Niki in apt. 110

"Judy my cousin that was as close as a sister.  Judy blessed to know you.  Miss your wonderful laugh and never complained.  Love you so can't say enough."

                                                              Pat Grammer

"LaDon and Family,
I met Judy in 1987 and have so many good memories i cant seem to pin point one.  Well maybe when Brendon fed the fish will always stand out. She was a quiet listener and always pointed out Louie's good points when we would fight and I would vent to your mom.  She prayed with me and for me too many times to count.  She will always be near and dear to me and my family.  Her words of encouragement will be remembered for years to come."  Love Karen & Louie Amanda, Amy and Angelina Louisi

"Judy my sister in the Lord, my confidant.  My go to and accountablilty gal.  My fun loving buddy.
                                                           XXOO."
                                                                   No name (I Think this might be Sue Thompson)

"I loved Judy so much she was my cousin.  Told her that many times-  she was so special- and know that she will be missed but Jack and I know where she is- back with her momma- + Jesus + Daddy." 
                                             The McClures

"She was a great bartender and we shared many great happy times."  No Name (someone from Sierra Meadows.)

"She was a loving and caring friend and I loved her. "  Erlene

"My Grandma was a remarkable person!  When I was little I always wanted to go to her house.  Those days are gone now."  Samantha Gill

"When Antonio first met Aunt Ju-Ju he loved her.  I think it was her gentle, loving way of interacting with children, not pusy at all.  He grabbed her face and gave her kisses, open mouth sloppy kisses on her chin and smiled at everything she said because he knew how beautiful she is."  Antonio Cruz's story told by his momma Ida

"I'll  never forget how a dove wouldn't fly away on the side of my house.  I knew right where to take it, Grandma Ju-Ju's house.  When I got it there , Judy said she had a dove that had no companion.  It was meant to be, the doves fell in love and soon there were small doves.  She was a blessing with all of her birds!  There was so much peace there!  I love you Judy!"  Robin Barnett Daughter-in-law

" Our Judy was an amazing person.  Even with her handicaps, she was friendly, outgoing and loving.  She had a wicked sense of humor.  She is greatly loved and will be sorely issed."  (Computer Lynn) Lynn

"From the window of my heart I will see Judy walking with her dogs outside carrying her coffee cup.  (Smiley face)  Now she is walking with new eyes with the Lord.  RIP Judy you will be truely missed."  Paula 226 Sierra Meadows

After my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer I was visiting at my Aunt LaDon's.  I played the song, What A Difference A Day Makes, on my phone and shared a dance with my lovely grandmother Judy."  With Love, Jake Barnett

"Aunt Judy yelling at every bum that we pass, "That's my boyfriend!""  Danny Poncey

"I will never forget one time when I was about 12,  I had a paper route which meant I would have to get up in the morning and fold and deliver about 100 papers for people. I would usually do this on my bike.  One time I was so sick and my mom knew I had to deliver these papers.  She got up early folded the papers and took me in her car I knew the route and she threw the papers.  She did alot of things like that she was very kind and compassionate.  I will always cherish these things in my heart!  It is not goodbye mom, it's just see you later!" 
Love LaDon Gill

 "My favorite memory is Aunt Ju-Ju's kindness, love and wisdom.  Always there to listen to me."  Unknown

"My favorite memory of my sister is how she would always have a pot of bean on, the bed ready with clean sheets, fresh coffee and a smile from ear to ear at the front gate when she would greet us."  Norma June Cruz

"Having a fresh cup of coffee and visiting." Unknown

"Every memory is an amazing one that will never be forgotten! "    Unknown

     

 

                                                                              

 

115 days...

Three months and twenty four days...That is all the time we had from the early diagnosis to her journey to heaven.  I feel like we had an incredible gift to know how precious our time was.  I am thankful for my mother's decision to have pictures taken early on.

I spoke with my Aunt Ruthie on the phone yesterday and she shared with me her last visit with my mom and we laughed and cried as we talked about what a void she left in our lives.  I am not sad all the time but have moments of sadness, where I feel all alone and orphaned.  I think to myself there are so many things I needed to ask her, but now it is too late.  I yearn to hear her voice on the phone or feel the gentle touch of her hands on my shoulder. 

I think about that blonde joke, There are three ladies on a desert island a Blonde, Brunette and a Red head.  They walk along a beach and find and rub a genies lamp, out comes a genie and grants them each one wish.  The Brunette says, "I want to go home"  poof she was transported home.  The Red head says, I'd like to go to a yankees game.  "Poof"  there she goes.  The Blonde says, "I wish my friends were back here with me!" ... I don't want to be that blonde to wish my mother were here. 

I have made some serious changes to my way of thinking.  I will never again think; "I can do this tomorrow."  I am going to always try to do it TODAY! because Tomorrow may never come. 
I am eating off the fine china and I am sleeping under the good quilt too! and most importantly I am always going to eat dessert first!  I have decided to try to live the rest of my life with no regrets.  I am not delusional, I know that there might be some, but if there are, I am not going to sweat the small stuff!  Life is way too short!

Lots of stuff to do...

Today I have lots of stuff to do.  I have to pack up and clean my mom's apartment.  I got up with the girls and got them off to school and couldn't find my keys, so I thought I would just crawl into the freshly made bed and rest for a few minutes.  I woke up at 1PM Ugh!  I feel like I am rested, but the entire day has been wasted.  I took the time to clean my house and find places to put all the beautiful flowers from the service. 


My mom's dog, Princess has been a close companion.  she is mourning the loss of her master but trying really hard to be my dog too.  I feel like we are reassuring each other.  I took this picture the day after my mom passed away Princess just climbed onto my chair and burrowed her head under the covers until just her face peeked out from the fluffy green blanket. 

I laugh, as I look at these pictures, because this is exactly how I felt today, all safe and comfy in my bed.

Tender moments...

our youngest Brendon saying goodbye to his grandmother

Those quiet times when you say goodbye.  I have been privileged to watch people come and say goodbye to my mom for the last two days.  She is now unresponsive for the most part.  Her dog Princess keeps a quiet vigil on her master by laying faithfully at her side.   I am sad because I thought there would be more time to plan her funeral and ensure any of her wishes were fulfilled. 

My mother is one of those rare people who attract very loyal and dear friends.  She is such a sweet person!  I have been so blessed to really get to see what a beautiful person she is.  We spent too much of our life being too much alike and really not liking to look into that mirror at we saw in each other.  Which was in essence eachother and our simularities.

 My dad died, suddenly of a stroke, 18 months ago.  my mom tearfully told me how much she loved me and how sorry she was about my dad's imminent  passing. The doctor had just told her, while I was in the bathroom, that my dad had a massive stroke and his brain was engulfed in blood.  We were still in the Emergency room and I remember her hugging me and saying, "I LOVE YOU" and I said, "How could you love me, you don't even like me!"  I remember her hugging me tighter and saying, "I do love you!"  We just sobbed in each other's arms.

 I prayed and asked God to help us figure out our relationship and give us the time to do this before she died, because I didn't want there to be any hard feelings for me to deal with after she left this world.  I seriously didn't want her to have cancer that metathesized into her brain, but I am so very fortunate that we healed our relationship and forgave past hurts, before she came to the place where she isn't communicating.  I am thankful that I was able to care for her and show her the love she showed me when I was a little girl.   I reassured her that she was a great mom! 



It won't be long before the woman God gave to be my momma, will be making her final journey to heaven.  I think she held on for her friend Diane Birk to come see her.  I think she needed to write her thoughts in a thank you note and Diane was kind enough to do this.   I just read something on the Internet about the five things you must do before you die and she did all of them. 

The five tasks of dying

Ask for forgiveness

offer forgiveness

Offer heartfelt thanks

Offer Sentiments of Love

Say goodbye

My heart hurts because I know, I will soon never have her touch or see her smile, until I make my journey to be with her in Heaven.  I will never be able to call another woman Momma here on this earth; but soon, she will be reunited with her momma in heaven just in time for Mother's day.  

http://dying.about.com/od/thedyingprocess/a/5_tasks_dying.htm * taken from this website

My mom's brother...

My mother has three half brothers, two sisters and a brother.  She has always had a close bond with her brother Ric, who lives in Abilene, Kansas.  He has always made an effort over the years to stay in contact with her and he has been thoughtful about sending cards and gift through the years. 

I contacted him on Facebook to let him know about my mom and he texted me, "What can I do?"  I texted him back, "Come see her"  He said when I sent that he just knew that he needed to come.  He arranged it with his boss at work and coordinated it so his daughter Coni and her husband Kyle could come with them.  This was no easy feat they had to drive two hours from their home to the airport.  My uncle lost his knife during the body cavity search by TSA because he had forgotten it in his carry on bag.  They confiscated his knife and said it would be destroyed.  He had that knife for over 20 years, so I am sure that was not easy to let them take his knife.  He also lost his cell phone on the first leg of his flight it was clipped to his waistband and when he stood up to disembark the phone fell onto the seat. 

Judy as she says, "My brother Ric?"

His wife Lorrie was texting me the whole entire time.  She let me know the plane landed and then when they were coming over after checking into their hotel.  I kept my mom busy and tried really hard not to let on that there was company coming. 

Judy and Ric

She was napping when they pulled into the driveway.  I went to the door and there stood my uncle who I hadn't seen since I was 5 or 6 years old.  He smiled really big at me and put his arms out and gave me a great big hug.  I started to cry tears of joy!  My uncle Ric's eyes were misty too.  He wanted to come in and greet my mom first, he walked to her chair she had just fallen asleep.  He knelt in front of her and said quietly, "Hi sis!" she opens her eyes and says, "Is this my Louie?"  "Nooo," he says, "It's your brother Ric."  "My brother Ric?" her eyes grew wide and she looked shocked that her brother had traveled to see her from so far away.  It was a sweet moment.  His wife Lorrie and his daughter Coni and her husband Kyle all came in and greeted my mom. 

A tearful farewell!

They stayed for four days.  It didn't seem long enough and when they left it was sad to see them go.  I am thankful that they took the time to come see her now while she is still coherent.

So many things have happened...

My mother came back from her trip to Nevada. She had a wonderful time with her sister Ruthie.  I came to see her the day after she returned.  She was very excited to show me all the things she had purchased while she was gone.  I had something very heavy on my heart to tell her.  On her birthday, my home was sold at auction.  We had attended a home preservation workshop the day before my birthday, February 23, 2012 and on that very day someone taped a notice of sale on my door.  The sale date was for my mom's birthday March 13, 2012.  Three people reassured me that this was not in their system and just a formality.  They continued to reassure me on the phone that this was not a true sale.  And on March 11, 2012 they finally told me they were indeed selling my home.  The house I shared with my father, the home we had painstakingly remodeled: the kitchen, dining room and bathroom.   So during the time my mom was gone.  I packed and moved and unpacked and moved.  Geeze we have a lot of stuff.  We have been married 28 years and we are on the verge of horderville! 

I knew that all things would work out fine and never once did I worry about this entire process.  I only worried that my mom would find out before we had a place and this would cause undue stress, on her already frail condition.  We were so blessed!  We found this neat, old, farm house,  just three miles away.  I never cried one time during the whole process.  I knew that God was in control.

I sat on her couch and told her all about what had transpired.  I broke down and cried and told her that I didn't want her to hear this from someone else.  I didn't want to be a disappointment to her.  She re-assured me that I was not a disappointment to her, that she loved me no matter what.  I just sobbed into her arms and then she says," I sure hope the hospice nurse gets here cause I want to go see your new house!" 

I told her that I had dreamed about this house months ago when we were worried that we might not have a home.  I woke up from my dream and told my friend Lynda and my husband all about the dream.  I didn't realize this was the same home in my dream, until I had a Déjà vu moment while moving in on the second day and it took me back, as to how much detail I remembered from my dream.

The hospice nurse finally came and left, and then we loaded up her dog into my car and I drove her out to see the new house.  She loved it!  She said it felt like she had been there before.  She climbed into my bed and took a three hour nap.  I brought her back to her apartment and gave her her pain medication and she went right to bed. 

She had been coming back and forth from her apartment to my house and we decided that she should stay with me because of her brain tumor and probably the pain medication she was very confused.  There is no one to give her medication there at her apartment and there were a few mornings where she was confused and anxious before I arrived.

  Hospice was kind enough to deliver a hospital bed and bed side table to my home.  Her bedroom is right next to ours and her windows overlook the blooming Camila's in our yard.  Bright pink and red can be seen through the slats in her window blinds.  Her door is a glass french door so even when it is shut I can check on her. 

Sue, Judy and Julie

Louie and Karen and Judy



Kelley and Grace, Joseph and Judy

I have had lots of special angel friends of my moms who have been an enormous help.  I have had to move a little at a time all the rest of our stuff over and her friends Arlene and Betty were gracious enough to offer to come over on Monday and sit with her while I went off to move and pack my stuff.  Tuesday her dear friend; Karen, came all the way from Woodlake, to stay with my mom,  Wednesday her friend Sue came over and sat with her and this was her worse day she slept the entire day.  I was worried about her.   Thursday her friend Karen came back over to stay with her again and Friday her friend Kelley came over and stayed with her.  I am glad to say that I am done moving!  and I am beyond grateful for each one of these ladies who gave up their time to spend the day at my home with my mom. 

Aunt Ruthie's house...

My mom called me today from Nevada, it was nice to hear her voice.  I had decided even though I wanted to talk to her that I would let her call me.  She called me three times yesterday, and we chatted.  She said that she was resting most of the day.  I asked her if she was using her oxygen and she said yes.  I told her about Samantha's post on her Facebook the other day and how when I saw it I cried.  I read it to her and and her voice started to quiver and she said, "Well wasn't that nice!"  

Samantha Gill 

Grandma I Pray for you, i love you and always will.  Please if you do leave this earth,  I want you to know I love you so much and I know you're strong.   I just hope that you can give me the strength to be strong. I know I'm not and i need to work on that,  but I cannot lose you without saying,  I LOVE YOU!  When you get to heaven can you tell Amanda and Grandpa that I love them and hope to seee them soon.???  I love you so much grandma!  Stay strong and I will find the strength to stand beside you ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

Aunt Ruthie

 As much as I dreaded her leaving for Nevada I have a peace about her making the trip to see her sister.  She said they laid on the bed together and just talked about things.  My Aunt Ruthie has always been such a dear, sweet person.   She has such a tender heart.  She was just a teenager when I was born and I have always loved her.  Aunt Ruthie was my matron of honor in my wedding and we named our first daughter, Amanda Ruthann, after her great aunt.  Aunt Ruthie is one of those rare people, who everyone just loves!  

The Goldsmith Family
Norman, Jo, Judy, Ruthie and Norma June

One of my first memories of Aunt Ruthie was when my brother Michael and I were very little and we were sick with chicken pox. now, I don't know if she gave us chicken pox or we gave her the chicken pox.  I just know we were sick about the same time with it.   This also coincided with the disappearance of my brother's  turtle and there was a funky odor in our room.  We looked and looked for his turtle and finally found it's decaying and stinky remains under our bunk beds.  Ugh!  You know I can still remember the stench!  I also have a pox mark in my forehead as a souvenir from the chickenpox. 


My mom called again around 11 PM just to talk.  It was nice to hear her voice again before I went off to bed.  The girls had a little neighbor girl, Jena spend the night. All three girls were playing a game of charades when the phone rang, so I had to ask them to leave the dining room so I could hear my mom on the phone.   We were both tired, she told me she loved me and said she was headed back to sleep.  I got the girls to bed at almost midnight and fell asleep almost immediately after climbing into bed and laying my head on the pillow. 

SECOND ANNIVERSARY OF MY 48th birthday

our 50th and 30th birthdays.

My Birthday is February 24th; I just turned forty-eight, this is the second anniversary of my 48th birthday.  It's quite a funny story, last year, my mom called and sang me happy birthday on the phone and I thanked her and told her that I felt really old turning 48, my mom got quiet and then she said,  "You aren't forty-eight you are forty-seven this year.  I think I would know! I was there when you were born."  I started counting and then realized she was right.  We just broke into laughter.

Judy and LaDon 48 and 67 

She had a big day planned for us it started with breakfast served at Sierra Meadows where my mom lives.  We had a nice big plate of pancakes, sausage, orange juice and coffee  We visited with the ladies at our table my mom's friend Betty had her granddaughter and her two little boys.  We finished with breakfast and left headed toward the mall I called and made an appointment at JC Penney's to get our pictures done.  I had ordered feather Boas to kind of go with the theme of our birthday pictures at 30 and 50 and the plan was to get pictures taken like this again when I turned 50 and she turned 70. Fearing this would never come to pass. we decided to just go a head and have our pictures taken today.

My mom has a skiers tan from being outside with her big sun glasses on.  She has big white circles around her eyes just like goggles had been there.  So we stopped at the make up counter and got one of the girls to put some concealer around her eyes.  We even got her to apply some eye shadow.  It took, just the right amount of time because when she was done and we had purchased a necklace and the concealer it was time to get our pictures done.

mom and Stephanie getting her makeup done

The photographer Crystal, was so nice, one time during the shoot my mom told her that she had been diagnosed with stage IV Lung cancer and that this might be the last pictures we take.  It just hit me like, I had never heard this before and tears just started falling down my cheeks.  The photographer took the picture as my mom reached over and kissed my face.  It was a very tender moment.

We ordered our pictures they will be in March 1st. We decided to go meet up with David and Olivia, my husband and youngest daughter at A&W; we were still pretty full from breakfast but we both ordered something to drink and we chatted with them while they ate their lunch.

We decided it was time to go get a pedicure and drove over to the nail place.  She seems more tired now, and she is very unsteady on her feet.  She had to take a pain pill at lunch because of that headache that has been haunting her since before her diagnosis.  I was so relaxed, I fell asleep and woke up to painted toenails.  I have never done that before, I was thankful I chose my nail color before I took my nap.

We decided see the movie, "The Vow" and it was like perfect timing, we had just enough time to get to the store and purchase some candy and bottled water to sneak into the theater.  I left her in the car as I went into the store to get our stuff and while I was in there, I spotted this pretty little girl about the age of eight years old in a beautiful peacock blue satin dress.  When I got in line, this little girl came back into the store with a handful of cash and tried to get back to the cashier, but was told that she would have to wait in line.  I motioned her to come get in front of me and watched her as she counted her change on the counter, "twenty-five, seventy-five, eighty"  Her little face pensive and her hands shaking because she realized for a second time, she didn't have the amount needed.  I asked the cashier "What does she need?  I will pay the difference."  She needed a dollar more, the little girl thanked me over and over again, as I fished out a dollar from my purse.  I told her,  "You are very pretty!  I love your dress." and she said, "Thank you, I am going to a daughter-daddy dance!"  I called out to her as she hurried out of the store. "Well make some good memories!"

I made my purchase and then hurried back to the car as we drove to the movies, I told my mom about the pretty little girl in the blue dress.   We got our tickets and popcorn and I was relieved my mom didn't make me sit right in the front row.  Instead we sat about five rows back from the front.  The movie was incredibly boring and every now and then, it sounded like coins being thrown at the back of our chairs.  I didn't realize it until the movie was almost over that there was a row of seven little junior high kids sitting behind us a few rows away and the noise that I thought were coins were actually ice they were chucking in our direction.   At once point, I even looked back and yelled "What the heck!"

When the movie ended even before the credits were rolling, my mom started walking toward these kids and with her blind cane; she shook it at them and told them how they ruined the movie for us.  I was a little worried, I would have to bail her out of jail if that cane shook any harder; because she was pretty peeved.  The group of kids just looked astonished, that we would call them out on their bad behavior.

We laughed about it in the car, on the way home.  We had planned on dinner, but neither of us was hungry after our popcorn and candy snack at the movies.  I got out of the car and hugged her again and thanked her for making my day special!  She is leaving tomorrow to go see her friend Glenda in the palm dessert.

Oncology appointment today

She has a 4.5 CM tumor on her upper Right lobe and a 2.5 cm tumor on her right middle lower lobe
She also has three tumors on her left lung that range from 1.3 CM to 1.9 CM  I have placed X's to represent  where these might be in her lungs based on the report. 

Today at 10:30 my mom her friend Arlene and I go in to see her oncologist. We arrived at the same time at the oncologist. She has completed two of the three tests he has ordered.  She got her PET scan on Valentines day which she said it took about three hours and they started scanning below her eyebrows to the bottom of the trunk of her body.  Yesterday, February 16th, she had a bone scan.

I woke up this morning and Samantha has been up all night with a tummy ache.  So the plan for the day is to attend my mom's doctors appointment and then take Sami-Jo out to see the pediatrician.  Samantha has pain in her upper left abdominal quadrant.

  At the appointment  Dr. Kuo was very nice, I really like him.  He explained to my mom that the PET scan showed that her lymphatic system was cancer free as well as her abdominal cavity. So it has not spread to her lymph nodes like the earlier CAT scan had shown.

Her bone scan said on the report that said: Foci of uptake in the calvarium suspicious for metastatic lesions.  Which in layman's terms means that there are spots on her brain that they suspect might be cancerous. we will not have anything definite until she has her MRI with Contrast, which will have to be rescheduled sometime next month because of a conflict in her travel plans.

Her PET scan described the location and size of her tumors on her lungs. The largest mass has a SUV Standard uptake value of 18.8.  and the smaller tumor on her right middle lobe has an SUV uptake value of 6.4,   all of these tumors are described medically as hypermetabolic which means fast growing.
There was also a paragraph that said

she has multiple hypermetabolic bilateral pulmonary lesions are identified and described.

Hypermetabolic right paratracheal, right hilar, subcarinal and aortopulmonary window pathologic lymph nodes are seen. No evidence of left hilar lymphandenopathy.  It's all Greek to me.
(Which means that there are cancerous lymph nodes next to her trachea, and in the area between both lungs.The left lymph node is normal)


Her next appointment is scheduled for March 6 at 8 AM


diagram of lung taken from website: http://www.innerbody.com/anim/lungs.html

Broken wing

Take these broken wings and learn to fly again learn to live so free...

 A song from the eighties which reminded me of our day today.  Today we called and asked our middle son Robby.my mom and Aunt Ruthie to meet us around the corner from her house at the Country Waffle,  for breakfast.  We wanted to do something with Robby for his early birthday. We had a nice visit.  My mom, Aunt Ruthie and I all ordered waffles, while Robby and David ate hardy chicken fried steak breakfasts.  It was nice to chat around the table.

My mom went to pour her syrup and there was sticky droplets of syrup on the bottle and handle and her hand got really sticky.  She got a little irritated at the waitress because after several requests for a wet washcloth, she never brought her anything to wipe off her sticky hands.  Breakfast finished and we all headed our separate ways.  David and I went to go get tires on the excursion and then went and had a coffee date just us.  It is very rare that we get out together and have time just by ourselves.

We had just barely sat down and I saw I had a missed call, it was our youngest daughter.  Olivia was crying into the phone again, but this time I could hear intense pain in her voice and even though the message was mostly incoherent sobs, I heard her say her arm really hurts.  I had just hung up on the voice message and Samantha called me and told me that Olivia was in a lot of pain and she thinks her arm is broken.  I told my husband David we have to get home!  We were only five minutes away from home but it seemed to take an eternity to get there.

I walked through the door and Olivia was ashen white, laying on the love seat. Tears were fresh on her face and she was whimpering.  I looked at her arm and she was very protective, about my helping her to her feet, once I got her to the Emergency Room, she said she couldn't move her neck.  I told her to stay in the car and I rushed inside to get someone to help me get her out of the car.  I told the lady at the desk, my daughter was tackled to the ground by a little boy and  her arm is broken and now she is complaining of neck pain.

I had a girl go with me and we wheeled her back into the ER and we waited a short time before they called her back.  The Physician's assistant looked at her clavicle and said that it obviously looked broken, she was afraid he might have a dislocated shoulder as well.  We went to X-ray and then back to wait for the Doctor's final word on what is going on.  She finally came back and put a sling on Olivia and the Dr. came in and said it is only a broken clavicle not anything else.  She has to be in a sling for 6 weeks with pain medication.

We stopped by to see my mom and both her sisters were there.  She was resting in the bedroom and I came in and gave her a hug and told her I was just stopping by for a moment she said, "You stay as long as you want. I am just resting, I can hear you from the other room."  I visited a little with everyone and her friend Arlene came by with a jello salad.  They were planning on going out to dinner later and I had to get back home to fix my family dinner.

PET SCAN APPOINTMENT

I left my cell number with the oncologist just in case they needed to contact her about the PET scan and they called today and left a message and I called back.  She is scheduled for February 14, 2012: Valentines day, to have a PET Scan.  She has to arrive by 10:30 in the morning and she will be given another call to inform her about the preparation for the appointment, basically directions on what she needs to do before.

I called my mom and gave her the information about her appointment and we chatted.  Today is the day I go out to Lemoore to grocery shop and run errands.  I asked her if she needed me to pick up anything. We want to go see that movie, " Extremely Loud, Incredibly Close."  and while she was on the phone she told me she wanted to call me last night but thought I'd be asleep and I told her I wanted to call her but thought the same thing.  We have that "ESPN" connection again.   She told me that she decided that she wants to go have pictures, have lunch and go see a movie that is coming out on my birthday.  I told her that she should go on her trip and she said she prayed about it and she feels like she needs to celebrate my birthday and then leave the next day.

I told her I would be by later to see her and wanted to take her and her friends pictures.  I called her later when I was on the way home from the grocery store and told her that I was going to put away the groceries and I would be over.  She sounds so tired on the phone.  I told her to get some rest and call me when she wakes up she said, "No you come over I will wait for you."  So I lugged in all the groceries and put them away and put together a bag of stuff that I bought for her at the store.  They had a sale on Cranberry juice and she loves cranberry juice so I picked up extra.

 I feel a sense of urgency to get back to her when I am gone.  She called me the other day just to tell me she was thinking about me.  I had just finished praying for her and the phone rang.  It made me feel like God heard my prayer and whispered in her ear to call me.  I don't want to overwhelm her with my presence but I want to be there when she needs me.

I pulled up in front of her building and she wasn't in her apartment,  I tapped on the door and Lori the property manager was there she let me in and said my mom was probably out on the bench where her posse congregate.
Her group of ladies consists of Betty who is several years her senior and rides around in a motorized chair but can get up and walk short distances.  She has salt and pepper grey hair ..  Arlene who has short blonde slightly wavy hair and a very pretty face.  She looks so good for her age. Arlene has a radiant tan from living in Hawaii before she relocated to Visalia.   She is my mom's bestie. These are just a few of the group she hangs out with.

We walked back to her place and my mom told me that she was tired.  We talked about going to see a movie but when you don't feel good you don't want to go anywhere.  She ate a plate of food Arlene had brought to her and she talked on the phone to her sister Ruthie, who is coming down tomorrow to stay with her for a few days.

We decided on the last minute that we would go to the mall and get some refills of the air fresheners at Bed Bath and Beyond.  When we got to the mall I asked her if she wanted a pretzel from Auntie Annie's.  Those pretzels are the best!  We both got a salted pretzel and walked over to the Bed bath and beyond to shop.  They had a special on those oil refills so I got her three and I got three for me.  While we were there they rolled down the metal doors which signaled to us they were closing.

I took her home, hugged and kissed her goodbye and had to go meet David for a late dinner because he had lodge.

Dragons and other scary beasts...like CANCER

Cancer is like...a great big scary beast you dare not speak it's name or it might swoop down on you and make you wish you had never heard of such a thing.   There are lots of different scary beasts in the world, as there are lots of different cancers, each one has a different name and personality.

We all went with my mom to her oncologist it was in Tulare.   I felt like my mom's entourage, we had her friend Arlene, my sister in law Robin, niece Monica and I.  We were informed that this cancer she has is NON-SMALL CELL CARCINOMA (Our Dragon has a name!)  I asked why its not large cell carcinoma and the doctor told us that there are five sub-categories of this cancer and its depends on what it looks like under the microscope.   He named them off and the only one I recall is squamous cell, the only reason this comes to mind  is my year of biology in college.  Her dragon is Adenocarcinoma and it's also the most common form of lung cancer.  The good news is this is a slower cancer then the small cell cancer cousin.  The bad news is there is a five year survial rate, and she is stage four.

While we waited for the doctor there was a poem in a frame on the counter in the doctors office.  He has a big, comfy, leather recliner in each exam room instead of an exam table for the patient.  So my mom sat in that chair and I spotted the poem and asked my niece Monica if she would read the poem out loud she declined she was afraid she would cry.  So I began to read it....

What Cancer Cannot Do

Author: Unknown

Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.

We all sat in silence and everyone commented on what a nice poem it was, it reminded me of the bible verse about God's love. Romans 8:35 "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?"  The answer is nothing separates us from God's love.

The doctor seemed nice he was a short, older Chinese man with salt and pepper grey hair and spoke pretty good English. He was reassuring that chemotherapy has changed in the last thirty years, its not as hard to take and the side effects aren't as harsh. He asked the same questions that mom and Arlene has filled out on a form. It seemed redundant to ask them again, when they were answered on a paper before she was even seen.

I could tell my mom was irritated and in pain. She says her head hurts all the time and now her pain is in in her legs. I feel bad for her and all I could do is reach over and rub her back and reassure her silently. The doctor is ordering lots of tests: a PET Scan which basically injects sugar into the vein and cancer is attracted to sugar and where the cancer is, it glows brightly. This will give us a map of where our dragon has been in her body. The next test is a bone scan to make sure the cancer hasn't spread to her bones. And the last test is an MRI with contrast to see if it has spread to her brain. The scary part of this cancer is it spreads to the brain in 60% of the patients with lung cancer. I hope this isn't the case with her.

The group decides to go back to her house and Robin is going to pick up pizza. I had to attend a board meeting so I just had her drop me off on the way home. I asked Robin for a ride, because I wanted to talk to her after the appointment we hardly get to visit in our busy lives. I knew we would have things to say. They all went back and had pizza together. My mom said they had a nice time, and once again, she is surrounded in love.

Pepsi and quarters...

Olivia and Jessica Rager
 getting their groove on

My mom called me yesterday and asked if I would bring over some Pepsi.  I was at a rainbow installation with our girls and  I had planned to bring her over some last night but, I forgot that there was a dance after the installation and my girls love to dance!  We had a good time, we helped clean up afterward and I offered to drive some of the left over food home for the Hoffman family.  They looked exhausted.  It is a lot of work to host an installation, both their daughters were in gorgeous dresses and the food was wonderful.  I was happy to help.  We have a big Ford Excursion so it can hold lots of stuff and myself and three girls to help them cart all the food in.

Samantha, Savannah and Olivia

I woke up this morning and gave my daughters directions on getting their chores done.  We have a little girl living with us who is one year between the girls.  So we have 13, 12, and 11 year olds.  Savannah's parents became homeless right after Christmas and they are staying in a garage with her grandmother on the other side of town.  Savannah would of had to change schools and there really isn't room for her there.  We have plenty of room at our house and she is such a sweet little girl it's a blessing having her here. 

My mom had called me and asked for quarters for her washing machine; if I could pick some up for her, when I got her Pepsi.  So off I go to the dollar store, no sooner did my feet hit the door when my cell phone starts ringing.  It was Olivia and I could hardly understand what she was saying through her sobs.  "Momma, Sami-Jo is being mean to me."  I told her that she needed to get along with her sister and do her chores or she would be in big trouble when I got home.  That phone rang four times and each time unintelligible sobs came from the other end.  I finally had to say, don't call me again.  My brain was fried.  I felt so stressed out, I couldn't even find the money in my wallet to pay for my purchases.  I finally found it and the cashier was happy that I wasn't holding up her line anymore.  

I had planned to bring the Pepsi and quarters and stay for a short while.  Once I got to her apartment, she had to walk her dog, so we ended up outside with some of her friends sitting on a bench talking about their plans for the Superbowl and the party they are going to have.  My mom leans over to me and says, "I have been so busy since I moved here with all these party's."  We both looked at each other with a knowing glance.  We both know she loves the excitement.  Today's excitement included fire trucks responding to her housing complex because one of her neighbors decided to put her oven on the self clean cycle; and this oven was too dirty for this option.  The dirty oven smoked out the entire building, and caused the alarm to sound, the same alarm that sounded the night we found out she had cancer.  

We talked about her upcoming trip to Nevada to see her sisters. Aunt Ruthie lives in Nevada and Aunt Nornie would travel from the Bay Area and meet her in Sacramento.   She had been wanting to go see her friend Glenda, who she met at the blind center and she lives in Palm dessert, her friend Arlene; who would be giving her a ride there, was going to leave around my birthday and she didn't want to miss it.  I told her to go see her friend.   We could celebrate our birthdays together when she got back. We are just two weeks apart and twenty years difference in age.  I told her, "Mom you should travel while you feel healthy enough to; you never know how much time you have before you won't be up to traveling."

David, LaDon, Robby and Jeremy

I offered to put her wash in the machines, but my mom had to walk down to the laundry with me and show me how to wash clothes.  I had to chuckle a little bit, because I have been washing clothes for over twenty-eight years now.  I married a widowed man with two small children and I got thrown into the whole housewife gig overnight. I just stood there while she loaded the washers; all the time complaining about the fact that she HATES front loaders.  I had to get back home and take the body count see who was left standing after epic battle in the Gill home.  So I gave my mom a hug and kissed her goodbye and left for home.  

I drove down our street and was relieved to see all three girls and Olivia comes up to my window and announces, "Our bikes got jacked!" I was so mad! I said in a very calm voice, "Both your bikes were stolen? In a louder voice I asked, "Why weren't they locked up on the porch?"  No one could answer that question for me.  Later they came to me and said they suspected that they were locked together and someone stole them both.(Highly doubtful!)  I laugh now as I am reading this because they must have thought about this for quite some time and came up with an answer that would deflect any blame that might be coming their way.  

In Death's shadow...

Non Small cell lung cancer...This is what we are fighting.   My mom had my sister in law Robin and her daughter Monica come and meet us at the clinic. We all crammed into a little exam room.  Her doctor came in cheerful as ever, tomorrow is her birthday and during her exam, my mom started singing, "Happy Birthday" to her.  She told us the grim news that it was what we had suspected; but hoped in our hearts wasn't. Monica put her head in her hands and sobbed quietly.  My mom reached over to console her oldest granddaughter as Dr. Mahoney handed Monica a box of tissues.   She had printed up a paper that told us all about it.  The symptoms and how they detect it.

She has put in a consult to the Oncologist and we are all going to go there on Monday.  As I write this my mind keeps repeating this so I will just close with it.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

The day before...

Today is the day before tomorrow... Which is the day that we will find out exactly what we are dealing with.  My mom had her CT Scan with biopsy on January 31st  which is almost two weeks since we got the diagnosis in the emergency room.  Lots of thoughts flood my mind as I wait for this day to finish and tomorrow to begin.

My grandmother  Jo Goldsmith

I think about everyone we have lost to death in my lifetime.  All of them have been very sudden departures. When I was young my little cousin Charlene died and although she was ill; it came as a surprise that she had passed way.  I was sad about her passing but her death was hardest on her mother Norma, "Aunt Nornie" who had lost her only daughter.   My beloved grandmother Jo Goldsmith; who always made an effort to make everyone feel so special and loved, had a heart attack; went in for a bypass surgery, had a stroke a day later and died with our family surrounding her bed and singing hymns and praises to Jesus.   What a beautiful way to leave this earth and be guided into the heavenly realms.  Her death left me very sad for a very long time. I mourned my grandmother and had to go to see a counselor to deal with my grief.  Little did I know that the coping skills that I gained from my time on a counselors couch, would help me through the rest of my losses.

My next loss and this is one that no mother wants to ever do, loose a child, let alone your only daughter.  It was an accident and happened when we were in the middle of moving clear across the United States, from Washington state to Florida, for a job that my husband had taken.  Amanda was only five years old and looking back, I think I had a feeling something was very wrong.  I waited for the movers the whole entire morning to come and start packing our stuff up. The whole day the verse in Isaiah 40:31 kept coming to mind, But they that wait upon the LORD will renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. 
My husband had called numerous times because he had found a perfect house for us, but needed my signature; so we could proceed with an offer, of course this was way before every home had a fax machine.  I had to travel fifteen minutes into town to fax it at our Realtor's office, but I couldn't leave until our older boys got home from high school.   When they finally arrived I was fairly agitated because the movers were very late, my husbands persistent calls and the urgency in his voice that I had to get those papers signed.   I remember leaving our home and as I am walking down those stairs to leave, a sweet little voice calls back to me and says, "Wait! Momma you forgot to give me a kiss!"  I was in so much of a hurry that I just waved her off like a pesky fly and said I will kiss you when I get back. Little did I know at that very moment,  I would never get the chance to kiss that sweet, little rosy cheeked, girl again.

Amanda Gill 

 While I was signing the papers, I got a 911 page, it was my oldest son Jeremy and he was frantic, "The trailer is on fire and Amanda is trapped inside!" I was shaken, I asked him to repeat himself and then I rushed out to get in my car and drive home. We were kind of hanging out in the trailer because there was nothing left in the house that wasn't already packed.  I had to save my daughter!  I had to give her that kiss!  I promised!  As I got to the truck, I felt an overwhelming peace come over me, it felt like a big hug.  I paused for a moment and then started to talk to God out loud.  I said, "God I don't know what has happened; but if you have taken Amanda to heaven, you'd better just take me right now too!"   I just kept repeating this over and over and then when I rounded the corner I saw it, a beautiful rainbow and it was sitting right over our road.  It hadn't even rained that day!

We lived back in the forest of a very small town in Washington state.  So the road to our house was blocked by police cars and firetrucks.  I saw our oldest boy Jeremy standing in the road crying.  He came over and gave me a hug and all I could do is scream to the top of my lungs, "Don't you tell me she is dead! Don't say it Jeremy!!" He just grabbed me and through tears told me "Mom I am sorry Amanda is gone"  I just flung my body to the ground and wailed, I wished right then my heart would burst because it felt so full of pain! My son Jeremy, who seemed so much older then seventeen, helped me to my feet and walked with me up the hill to our home.  I saw my son Robby being treated by the paramedic he was crying but it seemed so surreal! I just kept walking toward our home. My son Brendon, who was eight, came up and was crying said, "Momma, Amanda is walking up to heaven on that rainbow"  and we both looked up and that rainbow was still just as bright and right over our road.

Looking back, that is exactly what she did, she told God, "Hey if I am going with you, I have to give my momma a hug first and then can we walk there on a rainbow?"  Amanda was so cleaver like that!  No matter what reverse psychology I tried on her, she was always on top of that game. " Amanda if you don't eat your food you won't get ice cream" I would tell her and she would casually look up and say, "That's OK I don't want ice cream anyway"  I was just in a daze we had her funeral a few days later and then we went on ahead and traveled to Florida where my husband had started his new job.  Our family grieved for Amanda.  We went into counseling to deal with our grief.

Grandpa Norman Goldsmith 

My maternal grandfather died and I was twenty weeks pregnant with our daughter Samantha when I flew from Florida to California to attend his funeral.  My grandfather was a great man!  He showed us the value of hard work and determination.  He was a migrant farmer in the late 1920's traveling to pick whatever crop was in season.  He was self educated and very, very smart.  He was a good Husband, Father and Grandfather.  I was sick when I attended his funeral and was hospitalized the day we buried him with a bad gallbladder.  I had to have it removed before I came back to Florida because I was so sick.

My Brother committed suicide just three months after my grandfather's death and this came as a double whammy to my mother who just lost the two most important men in her life.  It was a shock to our entire family.  I couldn't even come to his funeral because I was too pregnant.  I felt so alone and isolated in my grief.

Kevin's footprints

 We were blessed with a little baby boy, who just totally surprised us.   We didn't even know we were pregnant until I was fourteen weeks along. I was sent to have a amniocentesis and the needle punctured the amniotic sac and caused his demise.  I was exactly 20  weeks along.   Kevin Micheal Spencer Gill was born Still on June 30, 1999.  1 in 250 pregnancies are lost because of amniocenteses.  These are not good odds and I would advise against it.  We would have kept whatever God chose to give us, healthy or not.

Edward Barnett 

Fifteen months ago my father passed away after suffering a stroke unexpectedly and died the very next day.  I am so thankful to God that he allowed us to bandage hurts from the past and become a very close father and daughter.  His death came as a surprise and shock to us all.  The night before he watched a TV program with us and I went to wake him the next day and he was unresponsive.  He spent the night at the hospital and the next evening he passed away peacefully.

So here we are walking in the shadow of the valley of death waiting for tomorrow...