115 days...

Three months and twenty four days...That is all the time we had from the early diagnosis to her journey to heaven.  I feel like we had an incredible gift to know how precious our time was.  I am thankful for my mother's decision to have pictures taken early on.

I spoke with my Aunt Ruthie on the phone yesterday and she shared with me her last visit with my mom and we laughed and cried as we talked about what a void she left in our lives.  I am not sad all the time but have moments of sadness, where I feel all alone and orphaned.  I think to myself there are so many things I needed to ask her, but now it is too late.  I yearn to hear her voice on the phone or feel the gentle touch of her hands on my shoulder. 

I think about that blonde joke, There are three ladies on a desert island a Blonde, Brunette and a Red head.  They walk along a beach and find and rub a genies lamp, out comes a genie and grants them each one wish.  The Brunette says, "I want to go home"  poof she was transported home.  The Red head says, I'd like to go to a yankees game.  "Poof"  there she goes.  The Blonde says, "I wish my friends were back here with me!" ... I don't want to be that blonde to wish my mother were here. 

I have made some serious changes to my way of thinking.  I will never again think; "I can do this tomorrow."  I am going to always try to do it TODAY! because Tomorrow may never come. 
I am eating off the fine china and I am sleeping under the good quilt too! and most importantly I am always going to eat dessert first!  I have decided to try to live the rest of my life with no regrets.  I am not delusional, I know that there might be some, but if there are, I am not going to sweat the small stuff!  Life is way too short!

My mom's friend Diane...

Monday my mom's dear friend; Diane Birk, came all the way from Los Angeles to say a final goodbye to her.  She had already come to see her a few days ago and she was leaving for Seattle when she received my phone call.  She had to rent a car and drive back down.  She was so kind to offer to stay up with her so the family could sleep.  My Aunt Norma and her husband Gary and their daughter-in-law Ida and grandson Antonio arrived later that night.  My Aunt was distraught because she thought my mother had suffered a stroke.  She was just in a deeper sleep and could only say just a few words by this time. 

Diane and Judy at her suprise birthday party 3-13-2004

We got everyone settled in for the night and even though I should have slept, I just couldn't.  I sat up and talked with Diane, while we were chatting a huge bug crawled across my chest and I pulled my shirt and launched the bug into the air while saying loudly, a very bad word!  I immediately stomped on the bug and then laughed and apologized for my language.  It is quite funny to think about it even now.  Diane was so sweet she just shared a memory of when her daughter came home from preschool and shared a bad word with her.

Diane sent this to me in an email and this is shared with her permission.

"Hello family and friends,

I was able to visit with my dear friend, Judy Barnett, at the end of February when she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I made another trip to California and was able to visit her on May 1st and 2nd. She was weak but was doing well. I was blessed to help her as she dictated a letter to me saying farewell to her family and friends.

On Monday got a call that Judy only had a short while to live. I quickly returned to Visalia and was privileged to stay up all night watching over her. On Tuesday I spent much of the day with her and her family. Before leaving that evening I was able to hold her carefully and pray over her. I reminded her to put in a good word for me with God -- we'd joked about it the previous week and told her that her family was okay and she could go home to God. Although Judy is blind - she opened her eyes and looked right at me. I know she heard me and knows how much I loved her. She passed away this morning at 2:30am.

Judy had a profound affect on my life. She was a simple and sweet lady. She babysat Arianna and Alyssa when they were little and loved them and considered them her girls even recently. After I moved to Seattle we talked often by phone and I always visited her when I was in Visalia to see my family. Judy was a sincere and loving Christian woman who loved God. Judy, her sister Ruthie, another friend, Sue, and I had a long-standing weekly Bible study. We prayed, laughed till our stomachs ached, cried and grew into "family"! You could share your darkest secrets with Judy and know it would go no further. She was a real prayer and lifted you up to God through her day -- she seemed to know when you needed prayer before you even told her. She raised birds - even after losing her eyesight -- just with a gentle touch she cared for the tiny birds without seeing them. She was deeply loved by so many -- everyone feeling they were kin, not just friends. What a blessing she was to so very many!

Oh what a special blessing Judy was in my life. I will miss her so much, but I'm happy for her as she is now where she most wanted to be -- the the arms of her saviour!!

Diane "

Walking in death's shadow

We have finally come to this place where my mom is asleep and in another world most of the day and night.  She looks at peace and as long as we have her sitting in a chair, she feels like she can breathe.  She is only giving me short yes or no answers to questions like, "Mom do you need your blanket on your feet?"  I am going to stay by herside all day today. 

As I am typing this I hear the radio; my sweet husband remembered to put the radio on the oldies station, so my mom could enjoy music playing softly in the background.  I am touched by his acts of kindness toward my mom.  He has been so good to get up in the middle of the night, when I needed his assistance.  He gave my mom a hug last night and you could feel the love in the room.  They have never been super huggy - squeezie and they have for the most part had a love / hate relationship all these years.  My mom told me a few months ago she felt like she resented him because he took her daughter away.   She said sometimes that is the way it felt but also said, that she loved him too.  The minute we got married we were sent to live far away because of my husband's job in the Navy. 

Her dog princess has been totally by her side, she knows what's happening.  I texted and called everyone yesterday to let them know that my mother's time here on earth is coming to an end and soon she will be healed for heaven.  Her good friend Kelley Joslin came over she had been on at a conference of Dental hygienists in Anaheim and was traveling home when she got my message.   My good friend Kellie Hawker came and picked up the girls, who have been pretty good for the most part but are stressed out, and whisked them away from the reality that their last grandparent is dying.   My mom's friend Arlene came over and she was so emotional, she had to take a moment to compose herself before she sat down with my mom.  Our son Robby and his wife came over and they sat with grandma for a while.

I called my mom's two sisters and gave them an update on my mom and while I was on the phone with my Aunt Ruthie. I looked up and saw this dark cloud of bees right above my head moving fast.  I said something like, "I have got to go there are bee's coming toward me!"    I ran into the house and the bees swarmed our old water tower. 

I am calling hospice this AM and going to see if the nurse can come out today.  My prayer for my mother is she is comforted and out of pain today.

A message from Judy

This is a note my mom had her friend Diane help her write today I thought I would share it with you. 

Dear Family and Friends,

My friend Diane, from Washington is here today and is transcribing this letter for me.
First I want to wish my dear Sister, Ruthie, happy birthday on this very day.

Judy and Diane

I want to thank all of you for all your love and prayers. I have felt them every day. I thank your spouses for letting each of you to be with me in thought and in person as my dear best friends. They say you often have only five best friends to list when you pass away, but I have so many more. My mind isn‘t as sharp as I wish it were, so if your name isn‘t listed please know it was unintentional and you are loved even if you‘re not specifically named. I am blessed to have these best friends: Robin, Norma June, Ruthie, Monica and all my grand-kids, LaDon, Eric, Arlene, Betty, Lori Trowbridge, Karen & Louie Luisi, Sharon, Pat and Ken, Marie, Sue, all the Joslin, Sanchez, and Hannah family members, My brother Ric and his family, and everyone else at the Sierra Meadows complex
Thank you for the phone calls, visits, prayers, taking me to doctors, letters, messages and get well wishes and thoughts.
Today I’m feeling pretty good. I’m staying with my daughter, LaDon, who has been taking absolutely wonderful care of me. She has been working with the doctors and hospice and has my medications working well for my pain. LaDon is right there whenever I need her. I so appreciate her love and support now when I need it the most.
The hospice caretakers are wonderful. My nurse Kathy Keiser and LVN Melissa. They show love and compassion and are so dependable. I can’t thank them enough for their care!
Thank you for being my friend, thank you for loving me. And I love and cherish each one of you!!
　
　

Judy (Ju-Ju) Barnett

My mom's brother...

My mother has three half brothers, two sisters and a brother.  She has always had a close bond with her brother Ric, who lives in Abilene, Kansas.  He has always made an effort over the years to stay in contact with her and he has been thoughtful about sending cards and gift through the years. 

I contacted him on Facebook to let him know about my mom and he texted me, "What can I do?"  I texted him back, "Come see her"  He said when I sent that he just knew that he needed to come.  He arranged it with his boss at work and coordinated it so his daughter Coni and her husband Kyle could come with them.  This was no easy feat they had to drive two hours from their home to the airport.  My uncle lost his knife during the body cavity search by TSA because he had forgotten it in his carry on bag.  They confiscated his knife and said it would be destroyed.  He had that knife for over 20 years, so I am sure that was not easy to let them take his knife.  He also lost his cell phone on the first leg of his flight it was clipped to his waistband and when he stood up to disembark the phone fell onto the seat. 

Judy as she says, "My brother Ric?"

His wife Lorrie was texting me the whole entire time.  She let me know the plane landed and then when they were coming over after checking into their hotel.  I kept my mom busy and tried really hard not to let on that there was company coming. 

Judy and Ric

She was napping when they pulled into the driveway.  I went to the door and there stood my uncle who I hadn't seen since I was 5 or 6 years old.  He smiled really big at me and put his arms out and gave me a great big hug.  I started to cry tears of joy!  My uncle Ric's eyes were misty too.  He wanted to come in and greet my mom first, he walked to her chair she had just fallen asleep.  He knelt in front of her and said quietly, "Hi sis!" she opens her eyes and says, "Is this my Louie?"  "Nooo," he says, "It's your brother Ric."  "My brother Ric?" her eyes grew wide and she looked shocked that her brother had traveled to see her from so far away.  It was a sweet moment.  His wife Lorrie and his daughter Coni and her husband Kyle all came in and greeted my mom. 

A tearful farewell!

They stayed for four days.  It didn't seem long enough and when they left it was sad to see them go.  I am thankful that they took the time to come see her now while she is still coherent.

Finding the words

Arlene, Judy and Mary

Finding the words have never been difficult for my mom until now.  Sometimes when she talks she subsitutes off the wall or different words.  It is kind of cute and the funny thing is that we know what she means.  She will say afterward, "That is not what I meant to say."  She is sad somedays.  I think we are in the valley of sadness.  She said to me today on the way to her house. " I really didn't expect to be going downhill this fast."  She woke up this morning and she was very lucid and alert and I thought well this is a good day to go see her friends at her Sierra Medows apartments.  She was so excited when I told her she was going she could barely contain herself.  She loves her "Golden girls" as my sister in law Robin calls her friends: Betty and Arlene.  

We dropped off the Uhaul truck and I had to pick David up on the way over to her house.  It was so funny!  The moment we arrived at her Apartment housing, people litterally lined up to give her a hug in the lobby.  She was basking in their love and affection for her.   She told me that I could leave her with her friends, so I used this time to get some seeds and stuff for our garden. 

My mom has to have her medication at 4 pm, this is important because, the steriod that she takes helps keep her brain from swelling from the tumors and keeps her from becoming anxious and confused.  It has to be given before 4 pm.  So I drove back to Sierra Meadows and there my mom was in the courtyard and a bench surronded by her friends.  She was tired, but happy, that I was there to take her and her dog princess home. 

She rested and ate dinner with us and after dinner she was walking back to her bedroom with me and and turned to me and said, "I don't think I have much time left."  and started to cry.  I turned to her and said,  "Well momma, that's why were going to make everyday special for you! We are going to make every day count!"   I kissed her on the cheek and gave her a hug.  Olivia was right next to her and she started to cry too.  My mom gave Olivia a big hug and told her she loved her. 

She never really complains that she is in pain.  I have to ask her, what is your pain level?  and then she always replies, "It is in my hips."  "No momma what is your pain, on the scale from 1-10?" and she says, "9"  God bless her!  She never ever complains. A nine!  I think I would be moaning.  I told her tonight to be sure and tell me when she was in pain because it's my job to make sure that we keep her as comfortable and pain free as possible.

All Things working together...

one of the only pictures with my parents and some of their grands
(Missing are Jeremy and Robby) taken 2000

It always strikes me funny when things work out the way they do.  I came over to my mom's this AM to kind of get her started on her day and check in with her. I sent Olivia in to her building to just see if Grandma was up.  Olivia went into grandma's room and said in a real quiet whisper, "Grandma are you alive?"  My mom was so tired this morning, she moaned to her and said "Yeah I think I am alive."   I waited in the car for Olivia to come back out and tell me if Grandma was awake, she never did.  Olivia was visiting with Grandma, when I entered her apartment.  Grandma had Olivia repeat what she said to her when she woke her that she had daffy duck lips.  We all had  a good laugh!  I wanted to take our three dogs to the groomers and it just wasn't in the cards.  I also wanted to get Beau our Australian Shepherd into get his shots but I arrived four minutes past 11 AM and they were closed four minutes ago.

 I came back to my mom's and we decided that she would lay down and I would read her bible to her.  We opened up her bible and found today's devotion and it was about how God led Gideon to choose his army, by the way they drank water from a stream.  Which right now makes me chuckle. because it was Gods way of playing, eenie, meanie, miney, mo. You know, when we were little kids and we had to pick the very best one...  We got a call that hospice nurse was coming to visit her today.  They told us her name was Kathy Keiser yesterday and I thought to myself,  "Gee that name sounds familiar."

They called to let us know that the nurse would be there between 3 and 4PM and I had a bunch of errands to run with my husband but was able to meet with the nurse.  She called to tell us she was running late and arrived almost an hour and a half later.  My mom, Betty and Arlene sat around and chatted in the living room and we waited.

 I told my mom, "Well she is either going to be one of those nurses, who takes the time with all of her patients and gives everyone quality care or she will be hurried and cranky when she arrives and give us the end of the day rush."   The nurse arrived and I greeted her at the door. She is middle aged and dishwater blonde curly, shoulder length hair and has a bubbly personality. I knew her from when I worked at the Viking Sewing gallery: inside Joann's, she bought one of the last sewing machines from me before the store closed.  I have always thought about her from time to time. she has an incredible story, which included losing a kidney to an infection, while she was in nursing school.  She had to drop out but then enrolled at West Hills College and finished her nursing degree.

She was awesome! Really took the time with my mom, they had the oxygen guy come and set up an oxygen machine for her.  She took the time to explain the medication and she just made my mom and I both feel so at ease.  She was the awesome nurse who took the time to make us feel important at the end of her very busy day.  Somewhere in the hustle and bustle Arlene and Betty left to attend Bingo night.  Betty was so sweet to grab my hand as she left, it was a very tender gesture. Arlene gave me a big smile and said goodbye and off they went.  I know now, how come these women have become so special to my mom.

My mom started to heat up her left over stew and I helped her with her liquid medication. She said she was for the first time, pain free. She had sit down to eat dinner and we were talking about the day and how everything worked together she even quoted the bible scripture Romans 8:28.   I shared with her what I had posted on my Facebook today:


"I am so thankful for so many things today! I want to make this thankful Thursday list one 


thing that you are thankful for today! I am thankful for God's peace and all my Facebook 




friends who prayed for me yesterday"  I began to read Kelley Joslin's post on Facebook and she 


started to cry.  She said she was so surprised to see Kelley yesterday she just broke down and started to 


cry. I told her I understood, Kelley has been a good friend to her for many years.

Kelley Hannah Joslin 


"I am thankful for the beautiful friendship I have with your mom. I 


have never had a more true and caring friend as her. I am blessed!"

I hugged my mom as I left, she seems so vulnerable to me, 


 I feel as if I need to protect her.  I was worried about 


her being unsteady and told her I wanted to call one of her 


friends to walk her back to her room and she asked me not 


to.  She said she needed some time alone with her 


thoughts.  So I hugged and kissed her again and left her 


sitting on a rock in the front of the building.  I made her 


promise me that she would call me when she got inside. 


She forgot to call me but I called her just to be sure.  Her 


friends found her and scolded her for not having someone 


walk with her. I am glad she has more than one person 


looking after her there.  

I Am going to close with the bible verse King James Bible (Cambridge Ed.)And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose Romans 8:28

PET SCAN APPOINTMENT

I left my cell number with the oncologist just in case they needed to contact her about the PET scan and they called today and left a message and I called back.  She is scheduled for February 14, 2012: Valentines day, to have a PET Scan.  She has to arrive by 10:30 in the morning and she will be given another call to inform her about the preparation for the appointment, basically directions on what she needs to do before.

I called my mom and gave her the information about her appointment and we chatted.  Today is the day I go out to Lemoore to grocery shop and run errands.  I asked her if she needed me to pick up anything. We want to go see that movie, " Extremely Loud, Incredibly Close."  and while she was on the phone she told me she wanted to call me last night but thought I'd be asleep and I told her I wanted to call her but thought the same thing.  We have that "ESPN" connection again.   She told me that she decided that she wants to go have pictures, have lunch and go see a movie that is coming out on my birthday.  I told her that she should go on her trip and she said she prayed about it and she feels like she needs to celebrate my birthday and then leave the next day.

I told her I would be by later to see her and wanted to take her and her friends pictures.  I called her later when I was on the way home from the grocery store and told her that I was going to put away the groceries and I would be over.  She sounds so tired on the phone.  I told her to get some rest and call me when she wakes up she said, "No you come over I will wait for you."  So I lugged in all the groceries and put them away and put together a bag of stuff that I bought for her at the store.  They had a sale on Cranberry juice and she loves cranberry juice so I picked up extra.

 I feel a sense of urgency to get back to her when I am gone.  She called me the other day just to tell me she was thinking about me.  I had just finished praying for her and the phone rang.  It made me feel like God heard my prayer and whispered in her ear to call me.  I don't want to overwhelm her with my presence but I want to be there when she needs me.

I pulled up in front of her building and she wasn't in her apartment,  I tapped on the door and Lori the property manager was there she let me in and said my mom was probably out on the bench where her posse congregate.
Her group of ladies consists of Betty who is several years her senior and rides around in a motorized chair but can get up and walk short distances.  She has salt and pepper grey hair ..  Arlene who has short blonde slightly wavy hair and a very pretty face.  She looks so good for her age. Arlene has a radiant tan from living in Hawaii before she relocated to Visalia.   She is my mom's bestie. These are just a few of the group she hangs out with.

We walked back to her place and my mom told me that she was tired.  We talked about going to see a movie but when you don't feel good you don't want to go anywhere.  She ate a plate of food Arlene had brought to her and she talked on the phone to her sister Ruthie, who is coming down tomorrow to stay with her for a few days.

We decided on the last minute that we would go to the mall and get some refills of the air fresheners at Bed Bath and Beyond.  When we got to the mall I asked her if she wanted a pretzel from Auntie Annie's.  Those pretzels are the best!  We both got a salted pretzel and walked over to the Bed bath and beyond to shop.  They had a special on those oil refills so I got her three and I got three for me.  While we were there they rolled down the metal doors which signaled to us they were closing.

I took her home, hugged and kissed her goodbye and had to go meet David for a late dinner because he had lodge.

Dragons and other scary beasts...like CANCER

Cancer is like...a great big scary beast you dare not speak it's name or it might swoop down on you and make you wish you had never heard of such a thing.   There are lots of different scary beasts in the world, as there are lots of different cancers, each one has a different name and personality.

We all went with my mom to her oncologist it was in Tulare.   I felt like my mom's entourage, we had her friend Arlene, my sister in law Robin, niece Monica and I.  We were informed that this cancer she has is NON-SMALL CELL CARCINOMA (Our Dragon has a name!)  I asked why its not large cell carcinoma and the doctor told us that there are five sub-categories of this cancer and its depends on what it looks like under the microscope.   He named them off and the only one I recall is squamous cell, the only reason this comes to mind  is my year of biology in college.  Her dragon is Adenocarcinoma and it's also the most common form of lung cancer.  The good news is this is a slower cancer then the small cell cancer cousin.  The bad news is there is a five year survial rate, and she is stage four.

While we waited for the doctor there was a poem in a frame on the counter in the doctors office.  He has a big, comfy, leather recliner in each exam room instead of an exam table for the patient.  So my mom sat in that chair and I spotted the poem and asked my niece Monica if she would read the poem out loud she declined she was afraid she would cry.  So I began to read it....

What Cancer Cannot Do

Author: Unknown

Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.

We all sat in silence and everyone commented on what a nice poem it was, it reminded me of the bible verse about God's love. Romans 8:35 "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?"  The answer is nothing separates us from God's love.

The doctor seemed nice he was a short, older Chinese man with salt and pepper grey hair and spoke pretty good English. He was reassuring that chemotherapy has changed in the last thirty years, its not as hard to take and the side effects aren't as harsh. He asked the same questions that mom and Arlene has filled out on a form. It seemed redundant to ask them again, when they were answered on a paper before she was even seen.

I could tell my mom was irritated and in pain. She says her head hurts all the time and now her pain is in in her legs. I feel bad for her and all I could do is reach over and rub her back and reassure her silently. The doctor is ordering lots of tests: a PET Scan which basically injects sugar into the vein and cancer is attracted to sugar and where the cancer is, it glows brightly. This will give us a map of where our dragon has been in her body. The next test is a bone scan to make sure the cancer hasn't spread to her bones. And the last test is an MRI with contrast to see if it has spread to her brain. The scary part of this cancer is it spreads to the brain in 60% of the patients with lung cancer. I hope this isn't the case with her.

The group decides to go back to her house and Robin is going to pick up pizza. I had to attend a board meeting so I just had her drop me off on the way home. I asked Robin for a ride, because I wanted to talk to her after the appointment we hardly get to visit in our busy lives. I knew we would have things to say. They all went back and had pizza together. My mom said they had a nice time, and once again, she is surrounded in love.

Pepsi and quarters...

Olivia and Jessica Rager
 getting their groove on

My mom called me yesterday and asked if I would bring over some Pepsi.  I was at a rainbow installation with our girls and  I had planned to bring her over some last night but, I forgot that there was a dance after the installation and my girls love to dance!  We had a good time, we helped clean up afterward and I offered to drive some of the left over food home for the Hoffman family.  They looked exhausted.  It is a lot of work to host an installation, both their daughters were in gorgeous dresses and the food was wonderful.  I was happy to help.  We have a big Ford Excursion so it can hold lots of stuff and myself and three girls to help them cart all the food in.

Samantha, Savannah and Olivia

I woke up this morning and gave my daughters directions on getting their chores done.  We have a little girl living with us who is one year between the girls.  So we have 13, 12, and 11 year olds.  Savannah's parents became homeless right after Christmas and they are staying in a garage with her grandmother on the other side of town.  Savannah would of had to change schools and there really isn't room for her there.  We have plenty of room at our house and she is such a sweet little girl it's a blessing having her here. 

My mom had called me and asked for quarters for her washing machine; if I could pick some up for her, when I got her Pepsi.  So off I go to the dollar store, no sooner did my feet hit the door when my cell phone starts ringing.  It was Olivia and I could hardly understand what she was saying through her sobs.  "Momma, Sami-Jo is being mean to me."  I told her that she needed to get along with her sister and do her chores or she would be in big trouble when I got home.  That phone rang four times and each time unintelligible sobs came from the other end.  I finally had to say, don't call me again.  My brain was fried.  I felt so stressed out, I couldn't even find the money in my wallet to pay for my purchases.  I finally found it and the cashier was happy that I wasn't holding up her line anymore.  

I had planned to bring the Pepsi and quarters and stay for a short while.  Once I got to her apartment, she had to walk her dog, so we ended up outside with some of her friends sitting on a bench talking about their plans for the Superbowl and the party they are going to have.  My mom leans over to me and says, "I have been so busy since I moved here with all these party's."  We both looked at each other with a knowing glance.  We both know she loves the excitement.  Today's excitement included fire trucks responding to her housing complex because one of her neighbors decided to put her oven on the self clean cycle; and this oven was too dirty for this option.  The dirty oven smoked out the entire building, and caused the alarm to sound, the same alarm that sounded the night we found out she had cancer.  

We talked about her upcoming trip to Nevada to see her sisters. Aunt Ruthie lives in Nevada and Aunt Nornie would travel from the Bay Area and meet her in Sacramento.   She had been wanting to go see her friend Glenda, who she met at the blind center and she lives in Palm dessert, her friend Arlene; who would be giving her a ride there, was going to leave around my birthday and she didn't want to miss it.  I told her to go see her friend.   We could celebrate our birthdays together when she got back. We are just two weeks apart and twenty years difference in age.  I told her, "Mom you should travel while you feel healthy enough to; you never know how much time you have before you won't be up to traveling."

David, LaDon, Robby and Jeremy

I offered to put her wash in the machines, but my mom had to walk down to the laundry with me and show me how to wash clothes.  I had to chuckle a little bit, because I have been washing clothes for over twenty-eight years now.  I married a widowed man with two small children and I got thrown into the whole housewife gig overnight. I just stood there while she loaded the washers; all the time complaining about the fact that she HATES front loaders.  I had to get back home and take the body count see who was left standing after epic battle in the Gill home.  So I gave my mom a hug and kissed her goodbye and left for home.  

I drove down our street and was relieved to see all three girls and Olivia comes up to my window and announces, "Our bikes got jacked!" I was so mad! I said in a very calm voice, "Both your bikes were stolen? In a louder voice I asked, "Why weren't they locked up on the porch?"  No one could answer that question for me.  Later they came to me and said they suspected that they were locked together and someone stole them both.(Highly doubtful!)  I laugh now as I am reading this because they must have thought about this for quite some time and came up with an answer that would deflect any blame that might be coming their way.  

In Death's shadow...

Non Small cell lung cancer...This is what we are fighting.   My mom had my sister in law Robin and her daughter Monica come and meet us at the clinic. We all crammed into a little exam room.  Her doctor came in cheerful as ever, tomorrow is her birthday and during her exam, my mom started singing, "Happy Birthday" to her.  She told us the grim news that it was what we had suspected; but hoped in our hearts wasn't. Monica put her head in her hands and sobbed quietly.  My mom reached over to console her oldest granddaughter as Dr. Mahoney handed Monica a box of tissues.   She had printed up a paper that told us all about it.  The symptoms and how they detect it.

She has put in a consult to the Oncologist and we are all going to go there on Monday.  As I write this my mind keeps repeating this so I will just close with it.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

A call in the night...

A call in the night... We were watching (Ground Hog Day) and my cell phone rang, it was my mom.  I had thought about her off and on all day long and decided to let her get a hold of me if she needed anything. She said,"Would you mind coming over and spending the night?"  I said, "Mom, is everything OK?"  She assured me it was, she just wanted my company.  I told her I would get some stuff together and be over in about an hour.

My Mom and I

When I arrived at her place, it has a security front door, so you have to pick up the phone and call her and then she buzzes you into her building. I called her and was surprised when she met me at the door and gave me a big hug and told me how happy she was that I had come over.  We walked back to her apartment and once inside the door she turned to me and said, "I am starting to think that the Doctors are right about this being cancer" This is the first time she has ever shown any emotion.  She got a little teary eyed and we said something that made us both laugh and it cut the tension.

I took a shower, while she tucked herself into bed.  When I got out of the shower and got my pajamas on and she had me climb into her tiny little twin bed, and we just talked.  She wanted to make sure David, my husband wasn't upset about my coming over to spend the night, I reassured her he wasn't mad at all.   She asked me to make her a drink and then complained about her feet hurting her, so when I brought her drink to her, I offered to rub her feet.

I pulled up a chair at the end of her bed got some lotion and just rubbed her feet and we talked and talked.  She finally had talked herself to sleep and I just sat there in the dim light of her room and watched her breathing.  I can hear her wheeze as she breathes in.  I sat there for a long time, I said a little prayer, thanking God for this moment with my mom.

Welcome to Walmart...

Walmart day: I called my mom and told her hey mom I am on my way to come take you to the Walmart.  I was in the car and on my way to her place.  I thought for sure she would be ready and waiting for me to arrive and take her considering how excited she was about going to Walmart.

I arrive at her place and look all over for her.  She wasn't in her apartment, or on the back yard area and then a little lady in the lobby tells me she is in the laundry room.  I go into the laundry room and there she is putting  the last shiny quarter into the machine.  She talks to me as we are walking back to her apartment and once we get inside, she tells me that she cannot leave with her clothes in the washer.  Oh this was so frustrating! I thought to myself, well we have been talking about going to Walmart for four days now. She says to me, "You go on ahead and go without me to Walmart."  I told her, "Mom you wanted to go to Walmart, I don't need to go to Walmart.  I am here to take you to Walmart"  After a few tense moments she finally decides that she can trust Lori the lady in charge of her senior housing to transfer her clothes to the dryer and put them in her house.

Off we go to the Walmart.   I am too busy helping her push the cart I didn't see it until we almost tripped a guy with her cane.  We get inside and  start our shopping and I remember that I left the stupid list back inside the car.  So I told her to just wait for me and I would hurry back to her.  I went to the car and sure enough there was that list sitting right on the front console where I'd left it.  My mom has limited sight because of cataracts since birth and a stroke inside her eye, that left her good eye with partial fields of vision.  That is what requires her to use a cane.  She was able to go to a state funded center so she could adjust to her limited vision and stayed there a good part of a year, a few years ago.

We go down her list and get everything she wanted.  She was so happy to get those horrid bright orange circus peanuts.  My grandpa used to eat those and I tried them when I was a little girl and have never liked them.  I am surprised to find that she is a big fan of those orange candies that are shaped like a peanut on one side.  We got her stuff all to the cash register and she checked out.

Our next stop was to Hobby Lobby to get flowers to put on Michael's grave.  I wrote a few days ago that it was on Saturday the 21st but realized it was Sunday the 22nd.  I don't know how I got that date wrong.   She was a little disappointed that they didn't have red carnations and shared with me that Michael had gotten her a bouquet of red carnations when he was a little boy.  That was always his favorite flower.   We found another bouquet for my grandparents and their little baby boy Rickey that was born and lived for just one day.   Michael's bouquet had several nice red roses mixed with different colored flowers.

We stopped at my bank and got some money so I could put gas in our car.  I was on the "big Iguana"  The big empty we used to say that, when the kids were little and laughed when we realized Iguana wasn't spelled with an e like it sounds.  Anyways we ended up at McDonald's because my mom had to go potty, and while we were there had two yogurt parfaits and a soda and just chatted.  We talked about how thankful I was to have the grandparents I did.  How they lived their lives making a monument for themselves in their children's hearts.

We got to the cemetery and the dark sky started to just sprinkle rain on us as we went from grave site, to grave site, putting flowers on graves and remembering our loved ones.    My mom mentioned that she wanted some donuts and I took her by Scotty's on the way home and she got a dozen to share with her friends there at her senior housing.

I kissed and hugged her goodbye she told me that she was planning to go to her bible study tomorrow.  I told her to call me if she needed me and I would come back over.

Sunday Supper

I got a message from my mom's friend Kelley Hannah Joslin who was planning on going over to visit her on Sunday.  I was going to wait for a while before going over to her house so they would have time to visit.  I finally went over to her house around 4 pm and she was busy chatting with Kelley.  Kelley is a sweet girl she has brown hair cut right below her neck and the prettiest round brown eyes.  She's about my age, late forties, who has been a close friend to my mom, ever since my mom worked for her family cooking hamburgers at Hannah's Triangle over 30 years ago.  My mom was in her wedding twenty years ago and still has her dress that she proudly announces is a size 8.

The plan was to go to Walmart and then over to the cemetery to place flowers on Michael's grave.  We got busy just chatting and even though Kelley left soon afterward. We decided that we were going to put off our trip to Walmart for another day.  I told my mom that I had put a prime Rib in the oven before I left and invited her to come to my house for Sunday Supper.  My mom was very excited to come over for dinner and we left and headed to my house.

The prime rib turned out wonderful~  All these years I have been searing my roasts in a pan on the stove with hot oil and seasoning and then cooking in the oven.  The trick to a tasty roast is to bake it at 550 degrees for 20 minutes and then turn the oven down to 350 degrees and bake for the remainder of time to pounds ratio.

I walked  through the door and whipped up a side dish and angel food cake and brownies.  My mom visited with our friends who are staying with us and my daughters while I finished dinner. We were getting ready to carve the roast and I think my mom was so hungry she could have eaten it off the bone.

We served up my husband David, on a TV tray, who couldn't leave the television or the 49's would surely loose.  It sure was a close and disappointing game.  We all sat down around the table gave thanks to God and ate our meal.
There was the normal table talk with lots of chatter.  Yelling and moaning came from the living room, where a field goal leveled any chance for our 49'ers to go to the Superbowl.    Dinner was soon over and the dishes were cleared and desert was served.  It was time to go and my mom went to find her purse and cane and it wasn't where she thought she put it.

We looked and looked, all over the house. I thought where in the world could her purse have been put? She swore up and down, her purse was around her neck, when she was tasting the meat.  Everyone was a part of this search party, we looked in baskets, in the car, on the hook, that I place my purse on when I walk through the door.  That purse was no where to be found.  I said to my mom, "You know mom we are both blondes"  I told her about the time that I could have sworn I left my purse at the dog groomers and called the groomer and asked them three to times to please look again for my purse, each time the lady would come back and tell me that my purse was not there.  I was so sure it had been left there, I was in shock when my husband went home to find it on our front porch swing.   I told her, "You probably left it your house."  She says, "I am platinum, you might be a blonde, but I am platinum.I am positive I had it here"

So, after looking again I convinced her that we go check and see if its at her home and if not, we would come back to my house and I was prepared to tare it apart to find it.  My friend Lynda volunteered to drive us in her rental car, because her car is still in the shop.  I was a little relieved because if we had to make a round trip it would be cheaper gas for me.  Her little rental takes way less fuel then my "Ford-a-saurus"  Excursion

We walk through her door and what is sitting on her counter?  Well it was her purse.
 We had a good laugh. What a relief!  I cannot begin to tell you how happy I was to see her purse.  I will say that through the whole saga of the missing purse my mom was very calm cool and collected the whole entire time.  I would like to know who this woman is and what did she do with my mom! ~smile~  I hugged her and told her to call me when she wakes up I am taking her to Walmart tomorrow finally.

Surrounded in love!

Brendon Gill, Great Grandma Ju-Ju, Jacob and Christina Gill 

I woke up this morning and waited for my mom to call and finally mid-morning, I called her and got to hear her outgoing message, we made the day before.  It made me chuckle.  I left a message for her to call me and then my son Brendon started to text me, to find the best number to get a hold of her.  I was glad to hear he was going to keep his word and go visit her today.  I know that this will make her happy and she needs to be surrounded in love by everyone that loves her.
My mom called me back and her first words were, "I've been missing you!"  I told her that I was waiting for her call and then told her Bren and his family were coming to see her.  I told her that when I talked to Brendon, I let him know where she lives and how to get there.   My mom moved after my dad died, to a senior housing that was just newly built, she has just lived there a little over six months.

Michael Barnett 

Today is also my brother Michael's birthday, he would be 49 this year. This day comes every year as a bittersweet memory of what was. Michael took his own life 14 years ago. I always try to call her and let her know I am thinking of her on this day. Even if your child is gone, you still are their mom and your love for them and their memory never fades . Happy birthday Michael!

Memories

My mom decided to add remote voice mail to her phone so she can at least have people leave a message when she is on the phone.    I was really proud of her because she was proactive in ordering this service, but she became frustrated when she went to set it up.  I came over to bring her my homemade noodles and meatballs and visit for a while.  She greeted me and then told me how frustrated she had become with setting up her voice mail and asked for my help.

I took her directions that she had written on a piece of paper and tried and tried to follow it when setting up her voice mail.  Then we decided that I should go online to figure this out, well at my mom's housing place they have internet and a community computer for anyone to use.  I asked one of her neighbors if she wouldn't mind if I just popped on for a few minutes.  This took, I am not exaggerating, three hours.

I discovered that there needed to be a pin number, but that number had to be mailed to her.  I called four times and was told my call would be answered within a minute.  This minute lasted over 20 minutes long. I told my mom that we need to have AT&T tell us what time she has left on this earth, because whatever the number is; its going to be lots, more time, by the way they measure it. We all laughed!   When we finally got this all settled and done with a recorded outgoing message it was over four hours of googling, typing and calling.

The nice lady that gave up her computer to me, was kind enough to bring me homemade peanut brittle!  She had just made the peanut brittle that morning.  So that was my bonus.  My bonus was also the precious time that we got to spend together today.  We got to touch briefly on what she wants and we talked about her desire to stay in her own home until she dies, and then we took a trip down memory lane.

Isn't it funny, that we can share a memory and have two different memories.  She started sharing the story about when my mom was on a bridge, over a dam and being attacked by a bee and since she allergic to bees; she is afraid of them too.  She freaked out and flung her white shinny, patent leather, purse over the side of the bridge.  I remember distinctly that we looked over the bridge and watched her purse floating in the water below but, we had no way to get there to retrieve it.    Her memory is I was a small infant and she had just passed me to my grandmother but I remember the whole thing and I was about four or so.   We both insisted that our memory was the correct one and then she said she,"Well I am just going to  have to ask Mamma and Daddy when I get to heaven and see who's right"  We both chuckled, and I said, "Well mom, were are going to have to figure out a sign to let me know you were right" and she said wistfully, "You know I think all this stuff isn't going to be important.  I think we are going to be too focused on worshiping Jesus."  We both got quiet and agreed.

Her phone rings and its the Dr's office she has an appointment for the CT scan its January 31st at 8 AM, she is not to take any blood thinners or aspirin and she is to eat a light breakfast that morning.  So now the waiting begins...

Of course, I am torn in fifty directions, so while I was there; I got a text to pick up ice and knew that my family would devour the tasty meal that I had prepared for them, without me, if I didn't get on the road.  I told my mom that I would come back tomorrow and see her just give me a call when she wakes up.   We kissed and hugged and then off I went to the store and then home to feed the hungry masses.

There is a protocol...

"There is a protocol that needs to be followed with four steps " Said the female voice over the phone at the Kaweah Delta Radiology. She told me that they are on step three and won't be contacting her until next week with an appointment for the Ct Scan biopsy. I thought if I called them I could speed up at least the appointment process.

My mom called me in the morning before I made my call. She is still vigilant about keeping her phone lines open. She doesn't have call waiting; she said she doesn't like it because it distracts her thought, when she hears the beep, which I would have to agree. I can't tell you how many times I have felt bad telling someone, "Hey my husband is on the phone, let me let you go."

I told my mom about Brendon coming to see her tomorrow and she is very excited. I said; "Mom you are loved, this is the time you need to let people love you." She gives me a deep sigh and she goes into denial, "Well, you know we aren't really sure it's cancer." I told her, "Mom, we have been told twice that it is cancer, we just don't know what kind or how bad it is." What a nice daughter! I feel like the cancer Grinch. For one moment you want to escape from reality, oh no your daughter, the cancer Grinch reminds you how grim it is.

Dear Lord please keep your arm around my shoulders and your hand over my mouth. AMEN

Primary Care Doctor

Early morning woke up at 5 Am couldn't sleep and figured I should just go downstairs and get started on my day.  I had planned to take my friend Lynda, to work again this AM and then meet my mom at the doctors office.  I got there a little late, so it was probably good that her friend brought her to the appointment.

They showed me into the room where my mom and her friend Arlene were waiting for the doctor.  I think Arlene felt uncomfortable because she kept trying to offer me her chair.  I was fine standing.  I was glad she was there after all.  She seems to have a good grip on my moms medical appointments and her medication.  The doctor came in her name is DR. Mahoney and she is a very pretty woman in her thirties maybe with curly brown hair that falls into ringlets past her shoulders and blue eyes.   She seemed more like a friend than a doctor.  She went over all the labs and reports from the hospital and looked at my mom and said,  "This is weird!  You don't have any abnormal blood work that would have lead me to believe that you had cancer." She talked to my mom about the test she was ordering.  I had read about it on the internet where they do a needle biopsy from your back to the lung during a Ct-scan .

She told my mom that she had put a consult in for a Stat appointment with an oncologist but it was just up to her insurance weather or not they would get that arranged.  All about the money and insurance!!! Never about the patient.  Don't get me started here or this will be a rant instead of a blog.  Dr Mahoney read the ct report and I am now kicking myself, because I didn't get a copy of this when we were there, for her records.  I won't make that mistake again.  Next time, I will also bring a pad of paper and take notes.  

So now here we are in the HURRY up and WAIT mode!  I read my bible after dinner tonight; about the father who brought his son to Jesus to be healed in the book of Mark 9: 24 Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"   and the part of the verse that struck me was: I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"  So this is my prayer help me to overcome my unbelief!

Day two life is just a great big whirl of emotion.  We are still in go mode, with three hours sleep, I am up and going.  I feel the need to get back to my mom and help her with whatever she needs help with.  I am a fixer, it makes me feel better to fix things.  I feel useful and then it keeps my busy mind, occupied.  I called my dear friend Lynda to tell her the grim news and she was in the process of getting into her car and going to work and her battery wouldn't start.  So I had to give her a ride to work.  I knew she would be praying for me and my mom.

Judy Barnett 

  I arrived to my moms senior housing place, where we have teased her, that she is the Madame Social Butterfly and we are just her caterpillar daughter and granddaughters.  There was lots of buzz and everyone asked me how my mom was.  I couldn't tell them, it was her news to share, whenever and however she wanted to share it.  So when asked, I just said: "You will have to ask her."

I got on the phone and made an appointment with my mom's doctor.  They were  going to give her another provider to see and it was going to be later in the afternoon on the following day.  My mom called them back and explained that she had gotten some pretty grim news the night before and somehow got the receptionist to book her appointment with her own doctor.

My mom called me back to tell me this and said her friend Arlene would be taking her in the morning, I am welcome to come to the doctor just meet them over there.  I told her I would.  I came home and felt exhausted took a nap and Googled: Cancer, Lung Cancer, lots of information about this, so much it made my head dizzy. I drifted off into a very deep sleep.