The day before...

Today is the day before tomorrow... Which is the day that we will find out exactly what we are dealing with.  My mom had her CT Scan with biopsy on January 31st  which is almost two weeks since we got the diagnosis in the emergency room.  Lots of thoughts flood my mind as I wait for this day to finish and tomorrow to begin.

My grandmother  Jo Goldsmith

I think about everyone we have lost to death in my lifetime.  All of them have been very sudden departures. When I was young my little cousin Charlene died and although she was ill; it came as a surprise that she had passed way.  I was sad about her passing but her death was hardest on her mother Norma, "Aunt Nornie" who had lost her only daughter.   My beloved grandmother Jo Goldsmith; who always made an effort to make everyone feel so special and loved, had a heart attack; went in for a bypass surgery, had a stroke a day later and died with our family surrounding her bed and singing hymns and praises to Jesus.   What a beautiful way to leave this earth and be guided into the heavenly realms.  Her death left me very sad for a very long time. I mourned my grandmother and had to go to see a counselor to deal with my grief.  Little did I know that the coping skills that I gained from my time on a counselors couch, would help me through the rest of my losses.

My next loss and this is one that no mother wants to ever do, loose a child, let alone your only daughter.  It was an accident and happened when we were in the middle of moving clear across the United States, from Washington state to Florida, for a job that my husband had taken.  Amanda was only five years old and looking back, I think I had a feeling something was very wrong.  I waited for the movers the whole entire morning to come and start packing our stuff up. The whole day the verse in Isaiah 40:31 kept coming to mind, But they that wait upon the LORD will renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. 
My husband had called numerous times because he had found a perfect house for us, but needed my signature; so we could proceed with an offer, of course this was way before every home had a fax machine.  I had to travel fifteen minutes into town to fax it at our Realtor's office, but I couldn't leave until our older boys got home from high school.   When they finally arrived I was fairly agitated because the movers were very late, my husbands persistent calls and the urgency in his voice that I had to get those papers signed.   I remember leaving our home and as I am walking down those stairs to leave, a sweet little voice calls back to me and says, "Wait! Momma you forgot to give me a kiss!"  I was in so much of a hurry that I just waved her off like a pesky fly and said I will kiss you when I get back. Little did I know at that very moment,  I would never get the chance to kiss that sweet, little rosy cheeked, girl again.

Amanda Gill 

 While I was signing the papers, I got a 911 page, it was my oldest son Jeremy and he was frantic, "The trailer is on fire and Amanda is trapped inside!" I was shaken, I asked him to repeat himself and then I rushed out to get in my car and drive home. We were kind of hanging out in the trailer because there was nothing left in the house that wasn't already packed.  I had to save my daughter!  I had to give her that kiss!  I promised!  As I got to the truck, I felt an overwhelming peace come over me, it felt like a big hug.  I paused for a moment and then started to talk to God out loud.  I said, "God I don't know what has happened; but if you have taken Amanda to heaven, you'd better just take me right now too!"   I just kept repeating this over and over and then when I rounded the corner I saw it, a beautiful rainbow and it was sitting right over our road.  It hadn't even rained that day!

We lived back in the forest of a very small town in Washington state.  So the road to our house was blocked by police cars and firetrucks.  I saw our oldest boy Jeremy standing in the road crying.  He came over and gave me a hug and all I could do is scream to the top of my lungs, "Don't you tell me she is dead! Don't say it Jeremy!!" He just grabbed me and through tears told me "Mom I am sorry Amanda is gone"  I just flung my body to the ground and wailed, I wished right then my heart would burst because it felt so full of pain! My son Jeremy, who seemed so much older then seventeen, helped me to my feet and walked with me up the hill to our home.  I saw my son Robby being treated by the paramedic he was crying but it seemed so surreal! I just kept walking toward our home. My son Brendon, who was eight, came up and was crying said, "Momma, Amanda is walking up to heaven on that rainbow"  and we both looked up and that rainbow was still just as bright and right over our road.

Looking back, that is exactly what she did, she told God, "Hey if I am going with you, I have to give my momma a hug first and then can we walk there on a rainbow?"  Amanda was so cleaver like that!  No matter what reverse psychology I tried on her, she was always on top of that game. " Amanda if you don't eat your food you won't get ice cream" I would tell her and she would casually look up and say, "That's OK I don't want ice cream anyway"  I was just in a daze we had her funeral a few days later and then we went on ahead and traveled to Florida where my husband had started his new job.  Our family grieved for Amanda.  We went into counseling to deal with our grief.

Grandpa Norman Goldsmith 

My maternal grandfather died and I was twenty weeks pregnant with our daughter Samantha when I flew from Florida to California to attend his funeral.  My grandfather was a great man!  He showed us the value of hard work and determination.  He was a migrant farmer in the late 1920's traveling to pick whatever crop was in season.  He was self educated and very, very smart.  He was a good Husband, Father and Grandfather.  I was sick when I attended his funeral and was hospitalized the day we buried him with a bad gallbladder.  I had to have it removed before I came back to Florida because I was so sick.

My Brother committed suicide just three months after my grandfather's death and this came as a double whammy to my mother who just lost the two most important men in her life.  It was a shock to our entire family.  I couldn't even come to his funeral because I was too pregnant.  I felt so alone and isolated in my grief.

Kevin's footprints

 We were blessed with a little baby boy, who just totally surprised us.   We didn't even know we were pregnant until I was fourteen weeks along. I was sent to have a amniocentesis and the needle punctured the amniotic sac and caused his demise.  I was exactly 20  weeks along.   Kevin Micheal Spencer Gill was born Still on June 30, 1999.  1 in 250 pregnancies are lost because of amniocenteses.  These are not good odds and I would advise against it.  We would have kept whatever God chose to give us, healthy or not.

Edward Barnett 

Fifteen months ago my father passed away after suffering a stroke unexpectedly and died the very next day.  I am so thankful to God that he allowed us to bandage hurts from the past and become a very close father and daughter.  His death came as a surprise and shock to us all.  The night before he watched a TV program with us and I went to wake him the next day and he was unresponsive.  He spent the night at the hospital and the next evening he passed away peacefully.

So here we are walking in the shadow of the valley of death waiting for tomorrow...