115 days...

Three months and twenty four days...That is all the time we had from the early diagnosis to her journey to heaven.  I feel like we had an incredible gift to know how precious our time was.  I am thankful for my mother's decision to have pictures taken early on.

I spoke with my Aunt Ruthie on the phone yesterday and she shared with me her last visit with my mom and we laughed and cried as we talked about what a void she left in our lives.  I am not sad all the time but have moments of sadness, where I feel all alone and orphaned.  I think to myself there are so many things I needed to ask her, but now it is too late.  I yearn to hear her voice on the phone or feel the gentle touch of her hands on my shoulder. 

I think about that blonde joke, There are three ladies on a desert island a Blonde, Brunette and a Red head.  They walk along a beach and find and rub a genies lamp, out comes a genie and grants them each one wish.  The Brunette says, "I want to go home"  poof she was transported home.  The Red head says, I'd like to go to a yankees game.  "Poof"  there she goes.  The Blonde says, "I wish my friends were back here with me!" ... I don't want to be that blonde to wish my mother were here. 

I have made some serious changes to my way of thinking.  I will never again think; "I can do this tomorrow."  I am going to always try to do it TODAY! because Tomorrow may never come. 
I am eating off the fine china and I am sleeping under the good quilt too! and most importantly I am always going to eat dessert first!  I have decided to try to live the rest of my life with no regrets.  I am not delusional, I know that there might be some, but if there are, I am not going to sweat the small stuff!  Life is way too short!

Lots of stuff to do...

Today I have lots of stuff to do.  I have to pack up and clean my mom's apartment.  I got up with the girls and got them off to school and couldn't find my keys, so I thought I would just crawl into the freshly made bed and rest for a few minutes.  I woke up at 1PM Ugh!  I feel like I am rested, but the entire day has been wasted.  I took the time to clean my house and find places to put all the beautiful flowers from the service. 


My mom's dog, Princess has been a close companion.  she is mourning the loss of her master but trying really hard to be my dog too.  I feel like we are reassuring each other.  I took this picture the day after my mom passed away Princess just climbed onto my chair and burrowed her head under the covers until just her face peeked out from the fluffy green blanket. 

I laugh, as I look at these pictures, because this is exactly how I felt today, all safe and comfy in my bed.

The bed is now empty...

My sister-in-law Robin, and my aunt Ruthie were sitting up with my mom when I woke up and I came and sat with them.  We watched as my mother struggled to breathe.  I had set her medication up to be administered every two hours but as we gave her the next dose she seemed to be in discomfort and anxious for at least 30 minutes.  I contacted the nurse on call and asked that we increase her medication to every hour.  It seemed to make a big difference.  Robin had already started setting her alarm on her phone to go off every two hours so we set her phone to alarm every hour. 

As we watched her in the darkness, I said: "It looks like she is crying."    She said just a few profound sentences while struggling to breathe.  She said, "I am dying"  and "I have been crying"    At some point of our sleep deprived evening, I decided to try and figure out what the dosage of her medication was in miligrams for the 24 hour period.  I thought my aunt, who is smart enough to be a CPA could do this.   We laughed so hard because the numbers didn't seem to add up, and then Ruthie said Norma would be able to figure it out.  We laughed about waking her up to figure out what my mothers daily dosage would be.  I think it was more funny because we were so tired. 

I contacted the hospice office because my mom would run out of medication and she needed it refilled.  The hospice nurse was very rude to me on the phone because I was explaining to her the dosage and said a syringe and a half instead of a dose and a half.  I had to pass the phone to Norma who corrected me and told them we were giving her .75 ml of the medication.  I asked if she was coming to see my mom and she told me she would if she had time.  I was irked by this. 

I layed down for a nap and just dozed off to sleep when Kathy Keiser arrived.  Aunt Nornie came and woke me up.  I stood there while she was assesing my mom and finally she said to me, "Do you have anything you want to say?"  and I very calmly let her know what I felt. 

1. We had a situation in April where I needed the hospice nurse to come and visit and was told the oncall nurse was coming three times on the phone.  We never received a visit or a call that she wasn't coming.  When Kathy came the following day she said there was a note in the computer that I called and cancelled the request. 
2. The LVN announcing that my mom was going to expire.  I did say that I felt Melissa had the makings for a wonderful nurse but she should never announce this to the family.  Melissa also said she would send out a greif counselor and someone else and NOBODY showed up. 
3. the social worker came out and told my mom she would return on a specific date and bring her lunch and they would have a chat.  She not only didn't show up but when I called to see if she was coming she told me she would call me back and NEVER DID!  The social worker has blue hair and nails that are so encrusted with glitter and crap, she could flag down aircraft from the sky.  I think she should be held to a more professional appearance standard.
4. The chaplin was requsted to bring a daily bread to my mom and when I told Kathy about it, he finally came and brought the book.  Kathy had left a message and said she'd given him the book to give to us that day.  He came to our home and announced that he'd been carrying this around in his car for a while.  I cannot stand being lied to!!
5. I told her I was disappointed with hospice because I thought our mutal goal was to keep my mother comfortable and out of pain.  I told her that It has been a horrible experience. 
6. I told her I didn't appreciate the way she talks to me on the phone.

you know they hadn't even ordered her medication until the nurse came that day.  We also discovered that after she left my mom would only have enough medication until 4:30 in the AM.   We had to contact the on call Hospice nurse Sandy and she went to the pharmacy after it closed and brought us some more medication.   We called her out again before midnight because we were having a hard time with my mother's breathing she had lots of phlem in her throat and needed to be suctioned.  The Hospice nurse ordered her a suction machine.  The hospice nurse also called out the chaplin from Fresno to come and sit with us for a while. 

My husband who was sound asleep heard the chaplin drive into the other driveway and grabbed his shotgun and heading out the door towards his car.  My sister in law came running into my mom's room and said, "I don't know what's going on but David has a shotgun and is heading out the door!!" 
I ran after him and caught up with him as he greeted the chaplin with the gun in his hand.  The Chaplin was pretty shaken up too!  This is still pretty funny when I think about it. 

The chaplin stayed with us until almost 2 AM and read the bible and prayed.  He shared with us his wife had just passed away eight months ago.  We said goodbye to the chaplin and Robin, Jake and I all sat around mom's bed.  At 3:15 AM Robin asked her son Jake if he planned to stay up with us and he said he did.  We decided it was time for another cup of coffee so we left the room for coffee and Jake stayed behind to read the bible and pray with her.  He had just finished his prayer when we came back into the room and she had gone to be with the Lord.  

the empty bed...

We contacted the hospice nurse and she came back to the house to prounounce time of death at 2:30 AM May 10th 2012.   We called all the family and I woke up my aunt Norma who was asleep to tell her.  We all sat around until the funeral home came to pick up my mom's body.  I went in with the nurse and we cleaned and changed my mother.  I felt so sad but I couldn't cry.  I felt she was rejoicing in heaven with Jesus and all of her friends.   I had cried alot before this day.  I am happy for my mother because her suffering is finally over. 

Your mother is about to expire...

OK, that sounds dramatic right?  Well this is what happened.   My mom's friend Karen Luisi, my Aunt Nornie, her daughter-in-law Ida, my niece Monica were all at my house when the  hospice nurse came. 
My mom was resting on the big comfy chair in the living room and the hospice nurse says, "Your mother is about to expire let's get her to the bed, where we can make her comfortable." 

So the next thing you know, everyone including me, is crying and we are in a hurry because we have just been told by the hospice nurse that her death is imminent.  We get her positioned in bed and the hospice nurse leaves and my aunt who is a nurse says, "Well, isn't it nice she gets everyone all riled up and doesn't take another blood pressure, while she is laying down, and leaves!"

My Aunt Ruthie is driving from Nevada with her husband and they are in Kingsburg when I tell her to hurry, after all my mother is expiring right?  She said they got to the corner near my home and she wanted her husband to let her out of the car, so she could run through the field to my house.  I am glad that her husband Tim, calmed her down and convinced her to stay in the car until they pulled up in the driveway. 

My mom continued to slip deeper into sleep.  We could wake her, but she was not responding verbally or if she did it was small words and short sentences.  My sister-in-law Robin, Aunt Ruthie decided they would sit up with my mom into the evening.  I tried to get some rest but slept deep and hard, for only a short time. 

My mom's friend Diane...

Monday my mom's dear friend; Diane Birk, came all the way from Los Angeles to say a final goodbye to her.  She had already come to see her a few days ago and she was leaving for Seattle when she received my phone call.  She had to rent a car and drive back down.  She was so kind to offer to stay up with her so the family could sleep.  My Aunt Norma and her husband Gary and their daughter-in-law Ida and grandson Antonio arrived later that night.  My Aunt was distraught because she thought my mother had suffered a stroke.  She was just in a deeper sleep and could only say just a few words by this time. 

Diane and Judy at her suprise birthday party 3-13-2004

We got everyone settled in for the night and even though I should have slept, I just couldn't.  I sat up and talked with Diane, while we were chatting a huge bug crawled across my chest and I pulled my shirt and launched the bug into the air while saying loudly, a very bad word!  I immediately stomped on the bug and then laughed and apologized for my language.  It is quite funny to think about it even now.  Diane was so sweet she just shared a memory of when her daughter came home from preschool and shared a bad word with her.

Diane sent this to me in an email and this is shared with her permission.

"Hello family and friends,

I was able to visit with my dear friend, Judy Barnett, at the end of February when she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I made another trip to California and was able to visit her on May 1st and 2nd. She was weak but was doing well. I was blessed to help her as she dictated a letter to me saying farewell to her family and friends.

On Monday got a call that Judy only had a short while to live. I quickly returned to Visalia and was privileged to stay up all night watching over her. On Tuesday I spent much of the day with her and her family. Before leaving that evening I was able to hold her carefully and pray over her. I reminded her to put in a good word for me with God -- we'd joked about it the previous week and told her that her family was okay and she could go home to God. Although Judy is blind - she opened her eyes and looked right at me. I know she heard me and knows how much I loved her. She passed away this morning at 2:30am.

Judy had a profound affect on my life. She was a simple and sweet lady. She babysat Arianna and Alyssa when they were little and loved them and considered them her girls even recently. After I moved to Seattle we talked often by phone and I always visited her when I was in Visalia to see my family. Judy was a sincere and loving Christian woman who loved God. Judy, her sister Ruthie, another friend, Sue, and I had a long-standing weekly Bible study. We prayed, laughed till our stomachs ached, cried and grew into "family"! You could share your darkest secrets with Judy and know it would go no further. She was a real prayer and lifted you up to God through her day -- she seemed to know when you needed prayer before you even told her. She raised birds - even after losing her eyesight -- just with a gentle touch she cared for the tiny birds without seeing them. She was deeply loved by so many -- everyone feeling they were kin, not just friends. What a blessing she was to so very many!

Oh what a special blessing Judy was in my life. I will miss her so much, but I'm happy for her as she is now where she most wanted to be -- the the arms of her saviour!!

Diane "

Tender moments...

our youngest Brendon saying goodbye to his grandmother

Those quiet times when you say goodbye.  I have been privileged to watch people come and say goodbye to my mom for the last two days.  She is now unresponsive for the most part.  Her dog Princess keeps a quiet vigil on her master by laying faithfully at her side.   I am sad because I thought there would be more time to plan her funeral and ensure any of her wishes were fulfilled. 

My mother is one of those rare people who attract very loyal and dear friends.  She is such a sweet person!  I have been so blessed to really get to see what a beautiful person she is.  We spent too much of our life being too much alike and really not liking to look into that mirror at we saw in each other.  Which was in essence eachother and our simularities.

 My dad died, suddenly of a stroke, 18 months ago.  my mom tearfully told me how much she loved me and how sorry she was about my dad's imminent  passing. The doctor had just told her, while I was in the bathroom, that my dad had a massive stroke and his brain was engulfed in blood.  We were still in the Emergency room and I remember her hugging me and saying, "I LOVE YOU" and I said, "How could you love me, you don't even like me!"  I remember her hugging me tighter and saying, "I do love you!"  We just sobbed in each other's arms.

 I prayed and asked God to help us figure out our relationship and give us the time to do this before she died, because I didn't want there to be any hard feelings for me to deal with after she left this world.  I seriously didn't want her to have cancer that metathesized into her brain, but I am so very fortunate that we healed our relationship and forgave past hurts, before she came to the place where she isn't communicating.  I am thankful that I was able to care for her and show her the love she showed me when I was a little girl.   I reassured her that she was a great mom! 



It won't be long before the woman God gave to be my momma, will be making her final journey to heaven.  I think she held on for her friend Diane Birk to come see her.  I think she needed to write her thoughts in a thank you note and Diane was kind enough to do this.   I just read something on the Internet about the five things you must do before you die and she did all of them. 

The five tasks of dying

Ask for forgiveness

offer forgiveness

Offer heartfelt thanks

Offer Sentiments of Love

Say goodbye

My heart hurts because I know, I will soon never have her touch or see her smile, until I make my journey to be with her in Heaven.  I will never be able to call another woman Momma here on this earth; but soon, she will be reunited with her momma in heaven just in time for Mother's day.  

http://dying.about.com/od/thedyingprocess/a/5_tasks_dying.htm * taken from this website

A message from Judy

This is a note my mom had her friend Diane help her write today I thought I would share it with you. 

Dear Family and Friends,

My friend Diane, from Washington is here today and is transcribing this letter for me.
First I want to wish my dear Sister, Ruthie, happy birthday on this very day.

Judy and Diane

I want to thank all of you for all your love and prayers. I have felt them every day. I thank your spouses for letting each of you to be with me in thought and in person as my dear best friends. They say you often have only five best friends to list when you pass away, but I have so many more. My mind isn‘t as sharp as I wish it were, so if your name isn‘t listed please know it was unintentional and you are loved even if you‘re not specifically named. I am blessed to have these best friends: Robin, Norma June, Ruthie, Monica and all my grand-kids, LaDon, Eric, Arlene, Betty, Lori Trowbridge, Karen & Louie Luisi, Sharon, Pat and Ken, Marie, Sue, all the Joslin, Sanchez, and Hannah family members, My brother Ric and his family, and everyone else at the Sierra Meadows complex
Thank you for the phone calls, visits, prayers, taking me to doctors, letters, messages and get well wishes and thoughts.
Today I’m feeling pretty good. I’m staying with my daughter, LaDon, who has been taking absolutely wonderful care of me. She has been working with the doctors and hospice and has my medications working well for my pain. LaDon is right there whenever I need her. I so appreciate her love and support now when I need it the most.
The hospice caretakers are wonderful. My nurse Kathy Keiser and LVN Melissa. They show love and compassion and are so dependable. I can’t thank them enough for their care!
Thank you for being my friend, thank you for loving me. And I love and cherish each one of you!!
　
　

Judy (Ju-Ju) Barnett

My mom's brother...

My mother has three half brothers, two sisters and a brother.  She has always had a close bond with her brother Ric, who lives in Abilene, Kansas.  He has always made an effort over the years to stay in contact with her and he has been thoughtful about sending cards and gift through the years. 

I contacted him on Facebook to let him know about my mom and he texted me, "What can I do?"  I texted him back, "Come see her"  He said when I sent that he just knew that he needed to come.  He arranged it with his boss at work and coordinated it so his daughter Coni and her husband Kyle could come with them.  This was no easy feat they had to drive two hours from their home to the airport.  My uncle lost his knife during the body cavity search by TSA because he had forgotten it in his carry on bag.  They confiscated his knife and said it would be destroyed.  He had that knife for over 20 years, so I am sure that was not easy to let them take his knife.  He also lost his cell phone on the first leg of his flight it was clipped to his waistband and when he stood up to disembark the phone fell onto the seat. 

Judy as she says, "My brother Ric?"

His wife Lorrie was texting me the whole entire time.  She let me know the plane landed and then when they were coming over after checking into their hotel.  I kept my mom busy and tried really hard not to let on that there was company coming. 

Judy and Ric

She was napping when they pulled into the driveway.  I went to the door and there stood my uncle who I hadn't seen since I was 5 or 6 years old.  He smiled really big at me and put his arms out and gave me a great big hug.  I started to cry tears of joy!  My uncle Ric's eyes were misty too.  He wanted to come in and greet my mom first, he walked to her chair she had just fallen asleep.  He knelt in front of her and said quietly, "Hi sis!" she opens her eyes and says, "Is this my Louie?"  "Nooo," he says, "It's your brother Ric."  "My brother Ric?" her eyes grew wide and she looked shocked that her brother had traveled to see her from so far away.  It was a sweet moment.  His wife Lorrie and his daughter Coni and her husband Kyle all came in and greeted my mom. 

A tearful farewell!

They stayed for four days.  It didn't seem long enough and when they left it was sad to see them go.  I am thankful that they took the time to come see her now while she is still coherent.

We all mean good

It seems like a struggle sometimes with other people in my moms life, everyone means good and we all want the best for her but somedays it feels like we are at war.  Its not the kind of war that has been fought with weapons and artillary throughout the ages, this is the subtle type of war, a war with words, crafted in just a way to sting just a little bit.

I have been up front and honest with my mom.  I told her that I want to be her caregiver and I NEED to be with her but she has to allow me to have her in my home because, after she goes to heaven, I still want to have a husband and a family.  I know that David wouldn't leave me because I am taking care of my mom at her home. I know that I have four people besides my mom depending on me to make their day go, just right.
Last week was a scary, my mom slept allot and when she talked, she was out of touch, most of the time.  I thought it was her brain tumor but what it actually happened was her medication needed to be adjusted and increased to a slow release morphine, since the nurse did this, she has been completely out of pain and coherent.  I had asked Robin to come over in the mornings while I ran the girls to school and sit with my mom.  She faithfully came every morning to sit and have coffee with my mom and visit.

 My mom was emotional everytime someone mentioned her friends at Sierra Meadows or her friend Marie.  I felt bad for her because she was at my home and was missing her place and her friends terriably.  My sister-in-law declared that she and her daughter Monica would be taking turns to stay with my mom at her place so she could be home, then she asks: what days I would like to stay at my mom's house.  I looked at her, eye to eye and told her exactly what I had told my mom.  I could not stay with her at her place.  I have obligations to more than just one person.
 "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of few."  My home is just as peaceful for her during the day and she has figured out how to navigate herself to the bathroom and outside to take her dog potty.  She likes it at my house.

Robin told me that she really needs to stay at her house.  She was sad infront of Robin about missing her friends.  I told her, "Well Robin she was sad about her friend Marie too.  Do you think we should load her up and take her to Sacramento too?"  There was so much tension in the air.  At one point my phone rang and it was the LVN Melissa she was coming for a visit I told her we were at my moms.  Monica, my neice,  was helping my mom get ready when the LVN arrived.

Melissa is a pretty girl she has long blond curly hair that falls just past her shoulders.  Her hair is usually pulled off her face and clipped in the back with a barrette. Melissa has pretty blue eyes and a button nose, she is probably in her early thirtys, very informative and very nice.  She asked at one point if we had any questions.  Robin chimed in and asked if hospice provides people to stay with the paitent.  The nurse said no, they don't offer that, it would be something we would have to pay out of pocket for.  I thought to myself, my mom would never want a stranger to come into her home and stay with her that would be way too uncomfortable.  Robin asked for the hospice nurses phone number I am sure she wanted to discuss in detail how my mom wanted to be at home.   The nurse left and I suggested we pull out our calenders and get a schedule together.


We decided that I would take my mom home until Thursday; when she would pick her up and bring her back to Sierra Meadows. Robin informed me that she wouldn't be able to help me in the AM while I ran the kids to school but it was ok because my mom is usually up by then and can ride with me to drop everyone off.  This weekend her friend Tina is coming to see her.  So She will probably be with me if she isn't with her friend.  We made plans to have sunday supper at my house and start the week from there.  Robin volunteered to take my mom out to the benches to visit and my neice Monica and I sat in the living room and talked.

Monica and grandma

I told Monica how proud she made me.  What a good caregiver she was to grandma and when she is with her I didn't worry at all about my mom.   We had a moment of silence and I said to her, "Wow, your mom is a spaz today!"  We both chuckled.  It will work itself out, I just know it will.                    

Finding the words

Arlene, Judy and Mary

Finding the words have never been difficult for my mom until now.  Sometimes when she talks she subsitutes off the wall or different words.  It is kind of cute and the funny thing is that we know what she means.  She will say afterward, "That is not what I meant to say."  She is sad somedays.  I think we are in the valley of sadness.  She said to me today on the way to her house. " I really didn't expect to be going downhill this fast."  She woke up this morning and she was very lucid and alert and I thought well this is a good day to go see her friends at her Sierra Medows apartments.  She was so excited when I told her she was going she could barely contain herself.  She loves her "Golden girls" as my sister in law Robin calls her friends: Betty and Arlene.  

We dropped off the Uhaul truck and I had to pick David up on the way over to her house.  It was so funny!  The moment we arrived at her Apartment housing, people litterally lined up to give her a hug in the lobby.  She was basking in their love and affection for her.   She told me that I could leave her with her friends, so I used this time to get some seeds and stuff for our garden. 

My mom has to have her medication at 4 pm, this is important because, the steriod that she takes helps keep her brain from swelling from the tumors and keeps her from becoming anxious and confused.  It has to be given before 4 pm.  So I drove back to Sierra Meadows and there my mom was in the courtyard and a bench surronded by her friends.  She was tired, but happy, that I was there to take her and her dog princess home. 

She rested and ate dinner with us and after dinner she was walking back to her bedroom with me and and turned to me and said, "I don't think I have much time left."  and started to cry.  I turned to her and said,  "Well momma, that's why were going to make everyday special for you! We are going to make every day count!"   I kissed her on the cheek and gave her a hug.  Olivia was right next to her and she started to cry too.  My mom gave Olivia a big hug and told her she loved her. 

She never really complains that she is in pain.  I have to ask her, what is your pain level?  and then she always replies, "It is in my hips."  "No momma what is your pain, on the scale from 1-10?" and she says, "9"  God bless her!  She never ever complains. A nine!  I think I would be moaning.  I told her tonight to be sure and tell me when she was in pain because it's my job to make sure that we keep her as comfortable and pain free as possible.

Aunt Ruthie's house...

My mom called me today from Nevada, it was nice to hear her voice.  I had decided even though I wanted to talk to her that I would let her call me.  She called me three times yesterday, and we chatted.  She said that she was resting most of the day.  I asked her if she was using her oxygen and she said yes.  I told her about Samantha's post on her Facebook the other day and how when I saw it I cried.  I read it to her and and her voice started to quiver and she said, "Well wasn't that nice!"  

Samantha Gill 

Grandma I Pray for you, i love you and always will.  Please if you do leave this earth,  I want you to know I love you so much and I know you're strong.   I just hope that you can give me the strength to be strong. I know I'm not and i need to work on that,  but I cannot lose you without saying,  I LOVE YOU!  When you get to heaven can you tell Amanda and Grandpa that I love them and hope to seee them soon.???  I love you so much grandma!  Stay strong and I will find the strength to stand beside you ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

Aunt Ruthie

 As much as I dreaded her leaving for Nevada I have a peace about her making the trip to see her sister.  She said they laid on the bed together and just talked about things.  My Aunt Ruthie has always been such a dear, sweet person.   She has such a tender heart.  She was just a teenager when I was born and I have always loved her.  Aunt Ruthie was my matron of honor in my wedding and we named our first daughter, Amanda Ruthann, after her great aunt.  Aunt Ruthie is one of those rare people, who everyone just loves!  

The Goldsmith Family
Norman, Jo, Judy, Ruthie and Norma June

One of my first memories of Aunt Ruthie was when my brother Michael and I were very little and we were sick with chicken pox. now, I don't know if she gave us chicken pox or we gave her the chicken pox.  I just know we were sick about the same time with it.   This also coincided with the disappearance of my brother's  turtle and there was a funky odor in our room.  We looked and looked for his turtle and finally found it's decaying and stinky remains under our bunk beds.  Ugh!  You know I can still remember the stench!  I also have a pox mark in my forehead as a souvenir from the chickenpox. 


My mom called again around 11 PM just to talk.  It was nice to hear her voice again before I went off to bed.  The girls had a little neighbor girl, Jena spend the night. All three girls were playing a game of charades when the phone rang, so I had to ask them to leave the dining room so I could hear my mom on the phone.   We were both tired, she told me she loved me and said she was headed back to sleep.  I got the girls to bed at almost midnight and fell asleep almost immediately after climbing into bed and laying my head on the pillow. 

Preparing for her trip...

My mom has been making plans to go see my Aunt Ruthie in Nevada.  Since all the birthday activities, she has declined in health.   She was so exhausted on her birthday it really scared me. My Mom said it scared her too.  I went over to see her today and half expected to find her still in bed and she was perky, still wheezing but a lot better then the day before.

 We waited for the Hospice nurse to come.  She was anxious, I had to give her, the "chill out" medication. (lorazapam) It didn't seem to help  She had all of her clothes all over her bed and in the orderly stages of packing for her trip.   Kelley Hannah  Joslin came over during her lunch hour and she helped her pick out her jewelry and visited for a while.  Kelley is such a sweet girl!  Very thoughtful and loving toward my mom.
Kelley had to rush off and my mom called out to her, "I love you Kelley, you should have been my daughter"  and Kelley smiled real big and replied, "If I had been, we probably wouldn't have been the close friends we were."

Judy and Kelley in the late 80's early 90's 

She is still wheezing very loudly and she was tired, so I suggested that she sit down and put her oxygen on.  She was sitting with her head leaned back on the couch cushion  and eyes closed when the nurse came.   After listening to her lungs and a quick examination.   The nurse felt that she should postpone her trip until we had the time to set hospice up for her in Nevada., so they could follow her care there.  I asked the nurse if we could order a handheld oxygen machine and she said she would look into it.  She made a phone call and the person on the other end, told her that they were out, but she could be evaluated by a respiratory therapist and possibly get one tomorrow.

Kelley Hannah Joslin and Judy  2012

  She is planning on being gone for the whole next week and return Sunday or Monday. March 15-26th.  She was adamant about leaving, she knows that her health, won't hold out forever and she wanted to make this trip while she is healthy enough to enjoy it.

While the nurse was there she told me that she wanted to take her dog to Petsmart to get her groomed before she left: because her dogs claws are too long and her dog is in pain.  I made the appointment while the nurse was there.

We dropped off Princess, her dog, and went to Applebee's for a late lunch.  I am not sure if it was just the excitement of the trip or the brain tumor, but there were a few times I felt she was just not quite herself.  We picked her dog up and I drove her home.  Once we got into her apartment, she was pacing like a lioness on the prowl.  She was anxious to get outside and sit on her benches in the courtyard.  She was really wheezing, so I told her she needed to sit with the oxygen hooked up for a few minutes and let me get her medication for her.

She left shortly afterward for the benches and I was putting her medication away and tiding up her house.  I met her out at the bench with a cup of tea, hoping this would calm her.  She drank the tea and we visited.  I contacted the Hospice nurse who was on call, to make sure I could give her another dose of her "chill out" medication.  The Nurse asked when the last dose was given, she told me that we could give her another dose.  When I got off the phone with her and my mom finally decided to settle down and climb in bed she didn't need another dose after all.  She ate some chocolate cheese cake, her friend had sent her for her birthday.  I took her dish and fork and washed it up in the sink as she drifted off to sleep.   I left her apartment and headed home.

Birthday Day.

Judy in the 4th grade

Today is my mother's birthday and she turned 68, we had planned on my birthday; to go out to dinner for my moms birthday.  We have been talking about it all week she wanted to go to Fugazzis and eat an early dinner.  We made plans for 3 PM.  I called ahead and made reservations for a quiet table.  I received a call from my mom at 2 o'clock sometime and she told me to take my time because her bestie Karen and her girls were coming over for a visit.

I hung around the house a little past three and decided that I would return some merchandise to Home Depot. I figured it would use up some time and maybe she would be ready to go when I got there.  I arrived and found her surrounded by her friends  and Jennifer, my mom used to babysit for her family when Jennifer was a little girl.  After everyone left she looked exhausted.

I suggested that we hook up her oxygen and she said she was so tired and it felt "weird" to be this tired.  She reclined her chair and just laid there with her eyes closed.  I continued to talk to her.  She told me that she was still going to go with me to dinner, maybe she needed to rest before we left.  I told her to just rest and decided to kick back on her couch and take a nap with her.  We just got comfortable and her friends came in to check on her.  She told them that she was just, so tired today.

LaDon and Judy 

I told her, "Momma don't worry! We don't have to go to dinner today.  We can just stay here and eat your left overs.  You don't want to drag yourself out when you aren't feeling well."  She was so relieved.  I just know she would have pushed herself because she wanted to please me.

I made us both a salad and after she ate the salad, she was full.  I am very worried now.  I was hoping for a lot more time, where she was feeling good and now she is tired and she has a very loud wheeze.  I encouraged her to go to bed and told her I would sit and rub her feet.  (She loves to have her feet rubbed and I use her lotion and her feet are so soft afterward.)  I just sat and rubbed her feet and we talked.  She told me that she misses me when I am not there and then she said, "I feel like crying when I say this. so I won't say that I miss you."  Tears just flow from my eyes and I started crying too.  I cannot believe how tired she was and she still lifted up out of the bed and held me and tenderly kiss my head.  We broke into a chorus of "Blessed Assurance" My mom knows all the words I sang along with her and hummed through the song.  She said to me, "You know when I was younger, I had a much better voice,"  We both started to giggle.

I called my Aunt Ruthie and she wanted to know all about our dinner out.  I told her that we didn't go because my mom's health.  She said, "Doni that makes me want to cry."  I sighed and told her, "I know,"  and went on to tell her that, I am concerned she might not be up to making her trip to Nevada, with her this weekend.  I explained to her all the symptoms mom had.  I told her that the hospice nurse is coming tomorrow and we would have her take a look at her and give us her opinion of whether or not she could travel.

All Things working together...

one of the only pictures with my parents and some of their grands
(Missing are Jeremy and Robby) taken 2000

It always strikes me funny when things work out the way they do.  I came over to my mom's this AM to kind of get her started on her day and check in with her. I sent Olivia in to her building to just see if Grandma was up.  Olivia went into grandma's room and said in a real quiet whisper, "Grandma are you alive?"  My mom was so tired this morning, she moaned to her and said "Yeah I think I am alive."   I waited in the car for Olivia to come back out and tell me if Grandma was awake, she never did.  Olivia was visiting with Grandma, when I entered her apartment.  Grandma had Olivia repeat what she said to her when she woke her that she had daffy duck lips.  We all had  a good laugh!  I wanted to take our three dogs to the groomers and it just wasn't in the cards.  I also wanted to get Beau our Australian Shepherd into get his shots but I arrived four minutes past 11 AM and they were closed four minutes ago.

 I came back to my mom's and we decided that she would lay down and I would read her bible to her.  We opened up her bible and found today's devotion and it was about how God led Gideon to choose his army, by the way they drank water from a stream.  Which right now makes me chuckle. because it was Gods way of playing, eenie, meanie, miney, mo. You know, when we were little kids and we had to pick the very best one...  We got a call that hospice nurse was coming to visit her today.  They told us her name was Kathy Keiser yesterday and I thought to myself,  "Gee that name sounds familiar."

They called to let us know that the nurse would be there between 3 and 4PM and I had a bunch of errands to run with my husband but was able to meet with the nurse.  She called to tell us she was running late and arrived almost an hour and a half later.  My mom, Betty and Arlene sat around and chatted in the living room and we waited.

 I told my mom, "Well she is either going to be one of those nurses, who takes the time with all of her patients and gives everyone quality care or she will be hurried and cranky when she arrives and give us the end of the day rush."   The nurse arrived and I greeted her at the door. She is middle aged and dishwater blonde curly, shoulder length hair and has a bubbly personality. I knew her from when I worked at the Viking Sewing gallery: inside Joann's, she bought one of the last sewing machines from me before the store closed.  I have always thought about her from time to time. she has an incredible story, which included losing a kidney to an infection, while she was in nursing school.  She had to drop out but then enrolled at West Hills College and finished her nursing degree.

She was awesome! Really took the time with my mom, they had the oxygen guy come and set up an oxygen machine for her.  She took the time to explain the medication and she just made my mom and I both feel so at ease.  She was the awesome nurse who took the time to make us feel important at the end of her very busy day.  Somewhere in the hustle and bustle Arlene and Betty left to attend Bingo night.  Betty was so sweet to grab my hand as she left, it was a very tender gesture. Arlene gave me a big smile and said goodbye and off they went.  I know now, how come these women have become so special to my mom.

My mom started to heat up her left over stew and I helped her with her liquid medication. She said she was for the first time, pain free. She had sit down to eat dinner and we were talking about the day and how everything worked together she even quoted the bible scripture Romans 8:28.   I shared with her what I had posted on my Facebook today:


"I am so thankful for so many things today! I want to make this thankful Thursday list one 


thing that you are thankful for today! I am thankful for God's peace and all my Facebook 




friends who prayed for me yesterday"  I began to read Kelley Joslin's post on Facebook and she 


started to cry.  She said she was so surprised to see Kelley yesterday she just broke down and started to 


cry. I told her I understood, Kelley has been a good friend to her for many years.

Kelley Hannah Joslin 


"I am thankful for the beautiful friendship I have with your mom. I 


have never had a more true and caring friend as her. I am blessed!"

I hugged my mom as I left, she seems so vulnerable to me, 


 I feel as if I need to protect her.  I was worried about 


her being unsteady and told her I wanted to call one of her 


friends to walk her back to her room and she asked me not 


to.  She said she needed some time alone with her 


thoughts.  So I hugged and kissed her again and left her 


sitting on a rock in the front of the building.  I made her 


promise me that she would call me when she got inside. 


She forgot to call me but I called her just to be sure.  Her 


friends found her and scolded her for not having someone 


walk with her. I am glad she has more than one person 


looking after her there.  

I Am going to close with the bible verse King James Bible (Cambridge Ed.)And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose Romans 8:28

Oncology appointment

My fears were confirmed today!

We met at the Oncologist today.  I was two minutes late they had already been ushered into the exam room her friend Arlene sat waiting in the chair beside her.  She had the blue folder in her hand ,that I had given her for mom's test results.  I wanted to be able to take the tests decipher them in laymen's terms and then put them in her folder for future reference.

The Doctor came in he has such a nice smile, he seems very compassionate and sincere.   When he talks, he is sometimes hard to understand.  He told her that one of her genes wasn't compatible for the chemotherapy treatment, its a study and you have to qualify genetically for it three genes need match up for the treatment.  I think its one of those; all or nothing things.  All genes have to match or its nothing they can do.  The Doctor said he was going to check to make sure that was correct.

The doctor told us that the MRI of her brain showed her cancer has spread to her brain and it's the size of a half dollar and its located in her cerebellum at the very rear and bottom of her skull.  My mom just sobbed into her hands, tears filled my eyes as I hugged my mom and tried to console her.

there are two tumors in her brain one in her cerebellum and one
in her left parietal lobe.

He told my mom that she could take radiation therapy and it COULD prolong her life for up to two years longer.  If she doesn't take the radiation, her life expectancy would be right at six months.   I asked the doctor, "What would her quality of life be?"  He basically said, it would prolong her life but she would have the effects of the cancer and radiation.

Betty, Judy and Arlene

We arrived back at her place and we were able to have a few moments alone, so we could just filter all the information.  We hugged each other and cried.  It seems so surreal to both of us.  I brought my camera into her apartment and took some pictures of her with her friends who live nearby.

She qualifies for hospice, so we are waiting for them to contact her and set up an appointment.   She just wants comfort measures.  Which does not mean we are giving up!   It just means that whatever time we have left, she wants quality over quantity.

This explains her headaches, unsteadiness, ringing in the ears, nausea and vomiting.



*photo of brain borrowed from website:http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.thehomeschooladventure.com/image-files/braindiagram.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.thehomeschooladventure.com/diagram_of_brain.html&h=326&w=324&sz=21&tbnid=1IdkHJo8JnkN3M:&tbnh=95&tbnw=94&zoom=1&docid=O0iSZXziMyLn7M&hl=en&sa=X&ei=SxxaT-jKH-bYiALJ_M2ICw&sqi=2&ved=0CG8Q9QE

Tomorrow...resting in God's grace.

Tomorrow we have her oncology appointment where we get the last test results.  I feel both nervous about what this could be but yet, I feel peace knowing whatever God has in store for my mom and our family, he will carry us through this.

Karen Luisi and Judy Barnett at her daughter's baby shower 

I am going to get over to see her today sometime this afternoon.  I have only seen her briefly on Saturday night when I brought our pictures over to her.  I was busy this weekend at a woman's Christian conference in Porterville with my friend Lynda and about 250 other women.  The phrase, "The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you."

So we will find out just what the other test revealed when it said metastatic lesions on the brain.  

Broken wing

Take these broken wings and learn to fly again learn to live so free...

 A song from the eighties which reminded me of our day today.  Today we called and asked our middle son Robby.my mom and Aunt Ruthie to meet us around the corner from her house at the Country Waffle,  for breakfast.  We wanted to do something with Robby for his early birthday. We had a nice visit.  My mom, Aunt Ruthie and I all ordered waffles, while Robby and David ate hardy chicken fried steak breakfasts.  It was nice to chat around the table.

My mom went to pour her syrup and there was sticky droplets of syrup on the bottle and handle and her hand got really sticky.  She got a little irritated at the waitress because after several requests for a wet washcloth, she never brought her anything to wipe off her sticky hands.  Breakfast finished and we all headed our separate ways.  David and I went to go get tires on the excursion and then went and had a coffee date just us.  It is very rare that we get out together and have time just by ourselves.

We had just barely sat down and I saw I had a missed call, it was our youngest daughter.  Olivia was crying into the phone again, but this time I could hear intense pain in her voice and even though the message was mostly incoherent sobs, I heard her say her arm really hurts.  I had just hung up on the voice message and Samantha called me and told me that Olivia was in a lot of pain and she thinks her arm is broken.  I told my husband David we have to get home!  We were only five minutes away from home but it seemed to take an eternity to get there.

I walked through the door and Olivia was ashen white, laying on the love seat. Tears were fresh on her face and she was whimpering.  I looked at her arm and she was very protective, about my helping her to her feet, once I got her to the Emergency Room, she said she couldn't move her neck.  I told her to stay in the car and I rushed inside to get someone to help me get her out of the car.  I told the lady at the desk, my daughter was tackled to the ground by a little boy and  her arm is broken and now she is complaining of neck pain.

I had a girl go with me and we wheeled her back into the ER and we waited a short time before they called her back.  The Physician's assistant looked at her clavicle and said that it obviously looked broken, she was afraid he might have a dislocated shoulder as well.  We went to X-ray and then back to wait for the Doctor's final word on what is going on.  She finally came back and put a sling on Olivia and the Dr. came in and said it is only a broken clavicle not anything else.  She has to be in a sling for 6 weeks with pain medication.

We stopped by to see my mom and both her sisters were there.  She was resting in the bedroom and I came in and gave her a hug and told her I was just stopping by for a moment she said, "You stay as long as you want. I am just resting, I can hear you from the other room."  I visited a little with everyone and her friend Arlene came by with a jello salad.  They were planning on going out to dinner later and I had to get back home to fix my family dinner.

PET SCAN APPOINTMENT

I left my cell number with the oncologist just in case they needed to contact her about the PET scan and they called today and left a message and I called back.  She is scheduled for February 14, 2012: Valentines day, to have a PET Scan.  She has to arrive by 10:30 in the morning and she will be given another call to inform her about the preparation for the appointment, basically directions on what she needs to do before.

I called my mom and gave her the information about her appointment and we chatted.  Today is the day I go out to Lemoore to grocery shop and run errands.  I asked her if she needed me to pick up anything. We want to go see that movie, " Extremely Loud, Incredibly Close."  and while she was on the phone she told me she wanted to call me last night but thought I'd be asleep and I told her I wanted to call her but thought the same thing.  We have that "ESPN" connection again.   She told me that she decided that she wants to go have pictures, have lunch and go see a movie that is coming out on my birthday.  I told her that she should go on her trip and she said she prayed about it and she feels like she needs to celebrate my birthday and then leave the next day.

I told her I would be by later to see her and wanted to take her and her friends pictures.  I called her later when I was on the way home from the grocery store and told her that I was going to put away the groceries and I would be over.  She sounds so tired on the phone.  I told her to get some rest and call me when she wakes up she said, "No you come over I will wait for you."  So I lugged in all the groceries and put them away and put together a bag of stuff that I bought for her at the store.  They had a sale on Cranberry juice and she loves cranberry juice so I picked up extra.

 I feel a sense of urgency to get back to her when I am gone.  She called me the other day just to tell me she was thinking about me.  I had just finished praying for her and the phone rang.  It made me feel like God heard my prayer and whispered in her ear to call me.  I don't want to overwhelm her with my presence but I want to be there when she needs me.

I pulled up in front of her building and she wasn't in her apartment,  I tapped on the door and Lori the property manager was there she let me in and said my mom was probably out on the bench where her posse congregate.
Her group of ladies consists of Betty who is several years her senior and rides around in a motorized chair but can get up and walk short distances.  She has salt and pepper grey hair ..  Arlene who has short blonde slightly wavy hair and a very pretty face.  She looks so good for her age. Arlene has a radiant tan from living in Hawaii before she relocated to Visalia.   She is my mom's bestie. These are just a few of the group she hangs out with.

We walked back to her place and my mom told me that she was tired.  We talked about going to see a movie but when you don't feel good you don't want to go anywhere.  She ate a plate of food Arlene had brought to her and she talked on the phone to her sister Ruthie, who is coming down tomorrow to stay with her for a few days.

We decided on the last minute that we would go to the mall and get some refills of the air fresheners at Bed Bath and Beyond.  When we got to the mall I asked her if she wanted a pretzel from Auntie Annie's.  Those pretzels are the best!  We both got a salted pretzel and walked over to the Bed bath and beyond to shop.  They had a special on those oil refills so I got her three and I got three for me.  While we were there they rolled down the metal doors which signaled to us they were closing.

I took her home, hugged and kissed her goodbye and had to go meet David for a late dinner because he had lodge.

Dragons and other scary beasts...like CANCER

Cancer is like...a great big scary beast you dare not speak it's name or it might swoop down on you and make you wish you had never heard of such a thing.   There are lots of different scary beasts in the world, as there are lots of different cancers, each one has a different name and personality.

We all went with my mom to her oncologist it was in Tulare.   I felt like my mom's entourage, we had her friend Arlene, my sister in law Robin, niece Monica and I.  We were informed that this cancer she has is NON-SMALL CELL CARCINOMA (Our Dragon has a name!)  I asked why its not large cell carcinoma and the doctor told us that there are five sub-categories of this cancer and its depends on what it looks like under the microscope.   He named them off and the only one I recall is squamous cell, the only reason this comes to mind  is my year of biology in college.  Her dragon is Adenocarcinoma and it's also the most common form of lung cancer.  The good news is this is a slower cancer then the small cell cancer cousin.  The bad news is there is a five year survial rate, and she is stage four.

While we waited for the doctor there was a poem in a frame on the counter in the doctors office.  He has a big, comfy, leather recliner in each exam room instead of an exam table for the patient.  So my mom sat in that chair and I spotted the poem and asked my niece Monica if she would read the poem out loud she declined she was afraid she would cry.  So I began to read it....

What Cancer Cannot Do

Author: Unknown

Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.

We all sat in silence and everyone commented on what a nice poem it was, it reminded me of the bible verse about God's love. Romans 8:35 "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?"  The answer is nothing separates us from God's love.

The doctor seemed nice he was a short, older Chinese man with salt and pepper grey hair and spoke pretty good English. He was reassuring that chemotherapy has changed in the last thirty years, its not as hard to take and the side effects aren't as harsh. He asked the same questions that mom and Arlene has filled out on a form. It seemed redundant to ask them again, when they were answered on a paper before she was even seen.

I could tell my mom was irritated and in pain. She says her head hurts all the time and now her pain is in in her legs. I feel bad for her and all I could do is reach over and rub her back and reassure her silently. The doctor is ordering lots of tests: a PET Scan which basically injects sugar into the vein and cancer is attracted to sugar and where the cancer is, it glows brightly. This will give us a map of where our dragon has been in her body. The next test is a bone scan to make sure the cancer hasn't spread to her bones. And the last test is an MRI with contrast to see if it has spread to her brain. The scary part of this cancer is it spreads to the brain in 60% of the patients with lung cancer. I hope this isn't the case with her.

The group decides to go back to her house and Robin is going to pick up pizza. I had to attend a board meeting so I just had her drop me off on the way home. I asked Robin for a ride, because I wanted to talk to her after the appointment we hardly get to visit in our busy lives. I knew we would have things to say. They all went back and had pizza together. My mom said they had a nice time, and once again, she is surrounded in love.

Pepsi and quarters...

Olivia and Jessica Rager
 getting their groove on

My mom called me yesterday and asked if I would bring over some Pepsi.  I was at a rainbow installation with our girls and  I had planned to bring her over some last night but, I forgot that there was a dance after the installation and my girls love to dance!  We had a good time, we helped clean up afterward and I offered to drive some of the left over food home for the Hoffman family.  They looked exhausted.  It is a lot of work to host an installation, both their daughters were in gorgeous dresses and the food was wonderful.  I was happy to help.  We have a big Ford Excursion so it can hold lots of stuff and myself and three girls to help them cart all the food in.

Samantha, Savannah and Olivia

I woke up this morning and gave my daughters directions on getting their chores done.  We have a little girl living with us who is one year between the girls.  So we have 13, 12, and 11 year olds.  Savannah's parents became homeless right after Christmas and they are staying in a garage with her grandmother on the other side of town.  Savannah would of had to change schools and there really isn't room for her there.  We have plenty of room at our house and she is such a sweet little girl it's a blessing having her here. 

My mom had called me and asked for quarters for her washing machine; if I could pick some up for her, when I got her Pepsi.  So off I go to the dollar store, no sooner did my feet hit the door when my cell phone starts ringing.  It was Olivia and I could hardly understand what she was saying through her sobs.  "Momma, Sami-Jo is being mean to me."  I told her that she needed to get along with her sister and do her chores or she would be in big trouble when I got home.  That phone rang four times and each time unintelligible sobs came from the other end.  I finally had to say, don't call me again.  My brain was fried.  I felt so stressed out, I couldn't even find the money in my wallet to pay for my purchases.  I finally found it and the cashier was happy that I wasn't holding up her line anymore.  

I had planned to bring the Pepsi and quarters and stay for a short while.  Once I got to her apartment, she had to walk her dog, so we ended up outside with some of her friends sitting on a bench talking about their plans for the Superbowl and the party they are going to have.  My mom leans over to me and says, "I have been so busy since I moved here with all these party's."  We both looked at each other with a knowing glance.  We both know she loves the excitement.  Today's excitement included fire trucks responding to her housing complex because one of her neighbors decided to put her oven on the self clean cycle; and this oven was too dirty for this option.  The dirty oven smoked out the entire building, and caused the alarm to sound, the same alarm that sounded the night we found out she had cancer.  

We talked about her upcoming trip to Nevada to see her sisters. Aunt Ruthie lives in Nevada and Aunt Nornie would travel from the Bay Area and meet her in Sacramento.   She had been wanting to go see her friend Glenda, who she met at the blind center and she lives in Palm dessert, her friend Arlene; who would be giving her a ride there, was going to leave around my birthday and she didn't want to miss it.  I told her to go see her friend.   We could celebrate our birthdays together when she got back. We are just two weeks apart and twenty years difference in age.  I told her, "Mom you should travel while you feel healthy enough to; you never know how much time you have before you won't be up to traveling."

David, LaDon, Robby and Jeremy

I offered to put her wash in the machines, but my mom had to walk down to the laundry with me and show me how to wash clothes.  I had to chuckle a little bit, because I have been washing clothes for over twenty-eight years now.  I married a widowed man with two small children and I got thrown into the whole housewife gig overnight. I just stood there while she loaded the washers; all the time complaining about the fact that she HATES front loaders.  I had to get back home and take the body count see who was left standing after epic battle in the Gill home.  So I gave my mom a hug and kissed her goodbye and left for home.  

I drove down our street and was relieved to see all three girls and Olivia comes up to my window and announces, "Our bikes got jacked!" I was so mad! I said in a very calm voice, "Both your bikes were stolen? In a louder voice I asked, "Why weren't they locked up on the porch?"  No one could answer that question for me.  Later they came to me and said they suspected that they were locked together and someone stole them both.(Highly doubtful!)  I laugh now as I am reading this because they must have thought about this for quite some time and came up with an answer that would deflect any blame that might be coming their way.