Aunt Ruthie's house...

My mom called me today from Nevada, it was nice to hear her voice.  I had decided even though I wanted to talk to her that I would let her call me.  She called me three times yesterday, and we chatted.  She said that she was resting most of the day.  I asked her if she was using her oxygen and she said yes.  I told her about Samantha's post on her Facebook the other day and how when I saw it I cried.  I read it to her and and her voice started to quiver and she said, "Well wasn't that nice!"  

Samantha Gill 

Grandma I Pray for you, i love you and always will.  Please if you do leave this earth,  I want you to know I love you so much and I know you're strong.   I just hope that you can give me the strength to be strong. I know I'm not and i need to work on that,  but I cannot lose you without saying,  I LOVE YOU!  When you get to heaven can you tell Amanda and Grandpa that I love them and hope to seee them soon.???  I love you so much grandma!  Stay strong and I will find the strength to stand beside you ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

Aunt Ruthie

 As much as I dreaded her leaving for Nevada I have a peace about her making the trip to see her sister.  She said they laid on the bed together and just talked about things.  My Aunt Ruthie has always been such a dear, sweet person.   She has such a tender heart.  She was just a teenager when I was born and I have always loved her.  Aunt Ruthie was my matron of honor in my wedding and we named our first daughter, Amanda Ruthann, after her great aunt.  Aunt Ruthie is one of those rare people, who everyone just loves!  

The Goldsmith Family
Norman, Jo, Judy, Ruthie and Norma June

One of my first memories of Aunt Ruthie was when my brother Michael and I were very little and we were sick with chicken pox. now, I don't know if she gave us chicken pox or we gave her the chicken pox.  I just know we were sick about the same time with it.   This also coincided with the disappearance of my brother's  turtle and there was a funky odor in our room.  We looked and looked for his turtle and finally found it's decaying and stinky remains under our bunk beds.  Ugh!  You know I can still remember the stench!  I also have a pox mark in my forehead as a souvenir from the chickenpox. 


My mom called again around 11 PM just to talk.  It was nice to hear her voice again before I went off to bed.  The girls had a little neighbor girl, Jena spend the night. All three girls were playing a game of charades when the phone rang, so I had to ask them to leave the dining room so I could hear my mom on the phone.   We were both tired, she told me she loved me and said she was headed back to sleep.  I got the girls to bed at almost midnight and fell asleep almost immediately after climbing into bed and laying my head on the pillow. 

Mom is in Nevada

I got up early to make a few phone calls and get my home straightened up and then left with Olivia to my moms house.  We stopped over at the donut store and bought her two donuts. On the way over, the respiratory therapist, called and said, he had her portable oxygen machine.  He had tried to contact her but she wasn't answering the phone.  I told him I was en route and I would call him back and confirm that she was home.   She was in the courtyard with her friends visiting.  I called the respiratory therapist and he said he would be arriving shortly.

I walked my mom back to her apartment. where all of her bags were packed and ready for Ruthie and Tim to pick them up.  She was a little anxious but not too bad.  She had lots of small things to do before she left.  We read her bible and she ate her donut as she waited for the the respiratory therapist to came and demonstrate her machine.  It is convenient, the size of a medium handbag and a strap that goes around her shoulder.  It operates on battery or can be plugged into the cigarette lighter.  That was an answer to prayer, because her tanks and the other machine would have been too bulky to carry back to Nevada. 

We got a chance to visit a little bit while she was packing and I told her, "You need to promise me that you aren't going to die in Nevada"   she said, "Well I will try not to, but I can't make any promises."  We both laughed! It's good to just laugh sometimes, when you're talking about serious things, it seems to ease the tension.  

Aunt Ruthie and Tim arrived and I briefed her on how to dispense her oral medication and how to use the oxygen machine, while Tim loaded up my moms bags.  Her good friends Arlene and Betty stopped in to say goodbye.  Betty had big tears rolling down her cheeks.  Olivia and I hugged and kissed my mom goodbye.  She had to stop at the hospice office to fill out paperwork and they left around three to go back to Nevada.  They were in a hurry because a storm was heading that way and snow on the mountains could make their passage treacherous.

Preparing for her trip...

My mom has been making plans to go see my Aunt Ruthie in Nevada.  Since all the birthday activities, she has declined in health.   She was so exhausted on her birthday it really scared me. My Mom said it scared her too.  I went over to see her today and half expected to find her still in bed and she was perky, still wheezing but a lot better then the day before.

 We waited for the Hospice nurse to come.  She was anxious, I had to give her, the "chill out" medication. (lorazapam) It didn't seem to help  She had all of her clothes all over her bed and in the orderly stages of packing for her trip.   Kelley Hannah  Joslin came over during her lunch hour and she helped her pick out her jewelry and visited for a while.  Kelley is such a sweet girl!  Very thoughtful and loving toward my mom.
Kelley had to rush off and my mom called out to her, "I love you Kelley, you should have been my daughter"  and Kelley smiled real big and replied, "If I had been, we probably wouldn't have been the close friends we were."

Judy and Kelley in the late 80's early 90's 

She is still wheezing very loudly and she was tired, so I suggested that she sit down and put her oxygen on.  She was sitting with her head leaned back on the couch cushion  and eyes closed when the nurse came.   After listening to her lungs and a quick examination.   The nurse felt that she should postpone her trip until we had the time to set hospice up for her in Nevada., so they could follow her care there.  I asked the nurse if we could order a handheld oxygen machine and she said she would look into it.  She made a phone call and the person on the other end, told her that they were out, but she could be evaluated by a respiratory therapist and possibly get one tomorrow.

Kelley Hannah Joslin and Judy  2012

  She is planning on being gone for the whole next week and return Sunday or Monday. March 15-26th.  She was adamant about leaving, she knows that her health, won't hold out forever and she wanted to make this trip while she is healthy enough to enjoy it.

While the nurse was there she told me that she wanted to take her dog to Petsmart to get her groomed before she left: because her dogs claws are too long and her dog is in pain.  I made the appointment while the nurse was there.

We dropped off Princess, her dog, and went to Applebee's for a late lunch.  I am not sure if it was just the excitement of the trip or the brain tumor, but there were a few times I felt she was just not quite herself.  We picked her dog up and I drove her home.  Once we got into her apartment, she was pacing like a lioness on the prowl.  She was anxious to get outside and sit on her benches in the courtyard.  She was really wheezing, so I told her she needed to sit with the oxygen hooked up for a few minutes and let me get her medication for her.

She left shortly afterward for the benches and I was putting her medication away and tiding up her house.  I met her out at the bench with a cup of tea, hoping this would calm her.  She drank the tea and we visited.  I contacted the Hospice nurse who was on call, to make sure I could give her another dose of her "chill out" medication.  The Nurse asked when the last dose was given, she told me that we could give her another dose.  When I got off the phone with her and my mom finally decided to settle down and climb in bed she didn't need another dose after all.  She ate some chocolate cheese cake, her friend had sent her for her birthday.  I took her dish and fork and washed it up in the sink as she drifted off to sleep.   I left her apartment and headed home.

Birthday Day.

Judy in the 4th grade

Today is my mother's birthday and she turned 68, we had planned on my birthday; to go out to dinner for my moms birthday.  We have been talking about it all week she wanted to go to Fugazzis and eat an early dinner.  We made plans for 3 PM.  I called ahead and made reservations for a quiet table.  I received a call from my mom at 2 o'clock sometime and she told me to take my time because her bestie Karen and her girls were coming over for a visit.

I hung around the house a little past three and decided that I would return some merchandise to Home Depot. I figured it would use up some time and maybe she would be ready to go when I got there.  I arrived and found her surrounded by her friends  and Jennifer, my mom used to babysit for her family when Jennifer was a little girl.  After everyone left she looked exhausted.

I suggested that we hook up her oxygen and she said she was so tired and it felt "weird" to be this tired.  She reclined her chair and just laid there with her eyes closed.  I continued to talk to her.  She told me that she was still going to go with me to dinner, maybe she needed to rest before we left.  I told her to just rest and decided to kick back on her couch and take a nap with her.  We just got comfortable and her friends came in to check on her.  She told them that she was just, so tired today.

LaDon and Judy 

I told her, "Momma don't worry! We don't have to go to dinner today.  We can just stay here and eat your left overs.  You don't want to drag yourself out when you aren't feeling well."  She was so relieved.  I just know she would have pushed herself because she wanted to please me.

I made us both a salad and after she ate the salad, she was full.  I am very worried now.  I was hoping for a lot more time, where she was feeling good and now she is tired and she has a very loud wheeze.  I encouraged her to go to bed and told her I would sit and rub her feet.  (She loves to have her feet rubbed and I use her lotion and her feet are so soft afterward.)  I just sat and rubbed her feet and we talked.  She told me that she misses me when I am not there and then she said, "I feel like crying when I say this. so I won't say that I miss you."  Tears just flow from my eyes and I started crying too.  I cannot believe how tired she was and she still lifted up out of the bed and held me and tenderly kiss my head.  We broke into a chorus of "Blessed Assurance" My mom knows all the words I sang along with her and hummed through the song.  She said to me, "You know when I was younger, I had a much better voice,"  We both started to giggle.

I called my Aunt Ruthie and she wanted to know all about our dinner out.  I told her that we didn't go because my mom's health.  She said, "Doni that makes me want to cry."  I sighed and told her, "I know,"  and went on to tell her that, I am concerned she might not be up to making her trip to Nevada, with her this weekend.  I explained to her all the symptoms mom had.  I told her that the hospice nurse is coming tomorrow and we would have her take a look at her and give us her opinion of whether or not she could travel.

Surprise, Surprise, Surprise...

When you say it three times together, you can't help but to think of Gomer Pyle; this was his trademark saying and it makes me laugh.    Today my mom's friends decided to throw her and Lori Trowbridge a surprise party. It was all planned out, I came a little early to drop off the balloons and my salad for the pot luck and visited with my mom.    I had to run and pay bills and told her I would come back later.  My mom called me to tell me to come back because there was a meeting to discuss her wishes and formally put them on paper. Her director Lori was there and the social worker Claire, Kellie Joslin and I.

Judy and Betty 

When I returned, everyone was waiting for her in the community room and all I had to do is get her there.  Now that sounds easy right?  Not this day, it was like herding cats, she didn't want to walk through the laundry room to get to the party.  She wanted to walk out the front door and all the way around the building and sit on the benches in the back of the courtyard.  A friend came up and started to chat with her and I walked back to the party without her.  I explained my plight to her friend Betty; who is kind of a take charge kind of gal. She has a certain tone to her voice. A tone  that you just want to do what she says and nobody will get hurt.

Judy and Lori 

She brought her over to the community room and everyone yelled surprise!!  She was too!  Her friend Betty and Arlene had decorated the room and bought her a cake, with Lori  and mom's pictures on the top.  It was a lot of fun!  I love pot lucks because you never know what's going to be at the party, but most the time its delicious!    My mom was so excited and happy.  I know this just made her day!  I had to leave because our older daughter Samantha was in a play and my husband volunteered to do the concession stand; which meant that I was his helper.  So I kissed my mom goodbye and left with my husband.

I kept thinking about my mom the whole entire night and got home and found I had a message on my phone.  It was my mom, she had been thinking about me, she left me the sweetest voice mail, it made me cry.  I called her back and left her a message.she called at 10:30 PM and we talked for a little bit.  I love my mom.

All Things working together...

one of the only pictures with my parents and some of their grands
(Missing are Jeremy and Robby) taken 2000

It always strikes me funny when things work out the way they do.  I came over to my mom's this AM to kind of get her started on her day and check in with her. I sent Olivia in to her building to just see if Grandma was up.  Olivia went into grandma's room and said in a real quiet whisper, "Grandma are you alive?"  My mom was so tired this morning, she moaned to her and said "Yeah I think I am alive."   I waited in the car for Olivia to come back out and tell me if Grandma was awake, she never did.  Olivia was visiting with Grandma, when I entered her apartment.  Grandma had Olivia repeat what she said to her when she woke her that she had daffy duck lips.  We all had  a good laugh!  I wanted to take our three dogs to the groomers and it just wasn't in the cards.  I also wanted to get Beau our Australian Shepherd into get his shots but I arrived four minutes past 11 AM and they were closed four minutes ago.

 I came back to my mom's and we decided that she would lay down and I would read her bible to her.  We opened up her bible and found today's devotion and it was about how God led Gideon to choose his army, by the way they drank water from a stream.  Which right now makes me chuckle. because it was Gods way of playing, eenie, meanie, miney, mo. You know, when we were little kids and we had to pick the very best one...  We got a call that hospice nurse was coming to visit her today.  They told us her name was Kathy Keiser yesterday and I thought to myself,  "Gee that name sounds familiar."

They called to let us know that the nurse would be there between 3 and 4PM and I had a bunch of errands to run with my husband but was able to meet with the nurse.  She called to tell us she was running late and arrived almost an hour and a half later.  My mom, Betty and Arlene sat around and chatted in the living room and we waited.

 I told my mom, "Well she is either going to be one of those nurses, who takes the time with all of her patients and gives everyone quality care or she will be hurried and cranky when she arrives and give us the end of the day rush."   The nurse arrived and I greeted her at the door. She is middle aged and dishwater blonde curly, shoulder length hair and has a bubbly personality. I knew her from when I worked at the Viking Sewing gallery: inside Joann's, she bought one of the last sewing machines from me before the store closed.  I have always thought about her from time to time. she has an incredible story, which included losing a kidney to an infection, while she was in nursing school.  She had to drop out but then enrolled at West Hills College and finished her nursing degree.

She was awesome! Really took the time with my mom, they had the oxygen guy come and set up an oxygen machine for her.  She took the time to explain the medication and she just made my mom and I both feel so at ease.  She was the awesome nurse who took the time to make us feel important at the end of her very busy day.  Somewhere in the hustle and bustle Arlene and Betty left to attend Bingo night.  Betty was so sweet to grab my hand as she left, it was a very tender gesture. Arlene gave me a big smile and said goodbye and off they went.  I know now, how come these women have become so special to my mom.

My mom started to heat up her left over stew and I helped her with her liquid medication. She said she was for the first time, pain free. She had sit down to eat dinner and we were talking about the day and how everything worked together she even quoted the bible scripture Romans 8:28.   I shared with her what I had posted on my Facebook today:


"I am so thankful for so many things today! I want to make this thankful Thursday list one 


thing that you are thankful for today! I am thankful for God's peace and all my Facebook 




friends who prayed for me yesterday"  I began to read Kelley Joslin's post on Facebook and she 


started to cry.  She said she was so surprised to see Kelley yesterday she just broke down and started to 


cry. I told her I understood, Kelley has been a good friend to her for many years.

Kelley Hannah Joslin 


"I am thankful for the beautiful friendship I have with your mom. I 


have never had a more true and caring friend as her. I am blessed!"

I hugged my mom as I left, she seems so vulnerable to me, 


 I feel as if I need to protect her.  I was worried about 


her being unsteady and told her I wanted to call one of her 


friends to walk her back to her room and she asked me not 


to.  She said she needed some time alone with her 


thoughts.  So I hugged and kissed her again and left her 


sitting on a rock in the front of the building.  I made her 


promise me that she would call me when she got inside. 


She forgot to call me but I called her just to be sure.  Her 


friends found her and scolded her for not having someone 


walk with her. I am glad she has more than one person 


looking after her there.  

I Am going to close with the bible verse King James Bible (Cambridge Ed.)And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose Romans 8:28

Teach us to number our days.

 I think every situation is a learning opportunity.  Today I learned so much, I think my head hurts.  I dropped my kids off at school this morning and headed over to my mom's house.  I knocked on her door and she was just waking up; she had slept so soundly, she looked rested.    She got ready, took a shower and I washed her dishes and dusted her furniture and waited for her to finish getting dressed.

The call finally came in from Hospice, we were going to first meet with a coordinator and then the nurse was to come after 1:30 PM I textd my sister in law and even though she had just gotten off work she was able to pick up her daughter Monica and come over to my mom's apartment.  So here we are in the community room, my mom, Arlene, Betty, Robin, Monica, and Claire the social worker from Sierra Meadows, and the hospice coordinator.  She explained all about hospice.  Today we learned that.

• Hospice comes in and takes over the care for the patient 
• Hospice provides all cancer medication
• Hospice can be stopped at any time
• Hospice is free to the patient
• Hospice can be something your doctor refers you or you can be personally referred by a friend or loved one.  
• Hospice provides bereavement counseling to the family for up to 18 months after the patients death. 
• You cannot do chemotherapy and Hospice, it's one or the other.   

I felt overwhelmed and asked my Facebook friends to please pray for our family. I am so thankful for all my friends kind comments. I really felt lifted up and carried by the prayers of others today.  My mom was just swamped with people all around her the whole day and I felt that she was in God's peace too.  

We were able to have a few moments of peace between the hospice coordinator and the nurses visit.  I read my mom her bible and her devotional Daily bread.  It seems like this was written just for us.  There are no guarantees! None of us can be certain of another breath. So the psalmist has an important piece of advice . . . a warning label of sorts: “Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom” (Ps 90:12).*

I finally left at 6:30 PM when my son Robby came with his wife to visit my mom.  I called her later to make sure she was OK she said she was just having a little snack before bedtime.  Tonight she has stronger medication, I am sure she will sleep more soundly than ever before. 

So this is the plan, we are not going to count the days, we are going to make all the rest of my Mom's days count.  

*our daily bread devotional 3-7-2012 online

Oncology appointment

My fears were confirmed today!

We met at the Oncologist today.  I was two minutes late they had already been ushered into the exam room her friend Arlene sat waiting in the chair beside her.  She had the blue folder in her hand ,that I had given her for mom's test results.  I wanted to be able to take the tests decipher them in laymen's terms and then put them in her folder for future reference.

The Doctor came in he has such a nice smile, he seems very compassionate and sincere.   When he talks, he is sometimes hard to understand.  He told her that one of her genes wasn't compatible for the chemotherapy treatment, its a study and you have to qualify genetically for it three genes need match up for the treatment.  I think its one of those; all or nothing things.  All genes have to match or its nothing they can do.  The Doctor said he was going to check to make sure that was correct.

The doctor told us that the MRI of her brain showed her cancer has spread to her brain and it's the size of a half dollar and its located in her cerebellum at the very rear and bottom of her skull.  My mom just sobbed into her hands, tears filled my eyes as I hugged my mom and tried to console her.

there are two tumors in her brain one in her cerebellum and one
in her left parietal lobe.

He told my mom that she could take radiation therapy and it COULD prolong her life for up to two years longer.  If she doesn't take the radiation, her life expectancy would be right at six months.   I asked the doctor, "What would her quality of life be?"  He basically said, it would prolong her life but she would have the effects of the cancer and radiation.

Betty, Judy and Arlene

We arrived back at her place and we were able to have a few moments alone, so we could just filter all the information.  We hugged each other and cried.  It seems so surreal to both of us.  I brought my camera into her apartment and took some pictures of her with her friends who live nearby.

She qualifies for hospice, so we are waiting for them to contact her and set up an appointment.   She just wants comfort measures.  Which does not mean we are giving up!   It just means that whatever time we have left, she wants quality over quantity.

This explains her headaches, unsteadiness, ringing in the ears, nausea and vomiting.



*photo of brain borrowed from website:http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.thehomeschooladventure.com/image-files/braindiagram.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.thehomeschooladventure.com/diagram_of_brain.html&h=326&w=324&sz=21&tbnid=1IdkHJo8JnkN3M:&tbnh=95&tbnw=94&zoom=1&docid=O0iSZXziMyLn7M&hl=en&sa=X&ei=SxxaT-jKH-bYiALJ_M2ICw&sqi=2&ved=0CG8Q9QE

Tomorrow...resting in God's grace.

Tomorrow we have her oncology appointment where we get the last test results.  I feel both nervous about what this could be but yet, I feel peace knowing whatever God has in store for my mom and our family, he will carry us through this.

Karen Luisi and Judy Barnett at her daughter's baby shower 

I am going to get over to see her today sometime this afternoon.  I have only seen her briefly on Saturday night when I brought our pictures over to her.  I was busy this weekend at a woman's Christian conference in Porterville with my friend Lynda and about 250 other women.  The phrase, "The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you."

So we will find out just what the other test revealed when it said metastatic lesions on the brain.