115 days...

Three months and twenty four days...That is all the time we had from the early diagnosis to her journey to heaven.  I feel like we had an incredible gift to know how precious our time was.  I am thankful for my mother's decision to have pictures taken early on.

I spoke with my Aunt Ruthie on the phone yesterday and she shared with me her last visit with my mom and we laughed and cried as we talked about what a void she left in our lives.  I am not sad all the time but have moments of sadness, where I feel all alone and orphaned.  I think to myself there are so many things I needed to ask her, but now it is too late.  I yearn to hear her voice on the phone or feel the gentle touch of her hands on my shoulder. 

I think about that blonde joke, There are three ladies on a desert island a Blonde, Brunette and a Red head.  They walk along a beach and find and rub a genies lamp, out comes a genie and grants them each one wish.  The Brunette says, "I want to go home"  poof she was transported home.  The Red head says, I'd like to go to a yankees game.  "Poof"  there she goes.  The Blonde says, "I wish my friends were back here with me!" ... I don't want to be that blonde to wish my mother were here. 

I have made some serious changes to my way of thinking.  I will never again think; "I can do this tomorrow."  I am going to always try to do it TODAY! because Tomorrow may never come. 
I am eating off the fine china and I am sleeping under the good quilt too! and most importantly I am always going to eat dessert first!  I have decided to try to live the rest of my life with no regrets.  I am not delusional, I know that there might be some, but if there are, I am not going to sweat the small stuff!  Life is way too short!

Obituary

Judy Barnett

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Judy Riggs Goldsmith Barnett Judy Olene Riggs Goldsmith Barnett nickname: Ju-Ju was born on 3-14-1944 in Kennett, MO., to Chester A. Riggs and Edna Jo Speakes. Raised by daddy Norman R. Goldsmith and Edna "Jo" Speakes Goldsmith. She passed away May 10, 2012 with her grandson at her bedside. Surviving family daughter: Joyce "LaDon" Barnett Gill (David), daughter in love: Robin Garcia Barnett, sisters: Ruthann Askin (Tim) Fernley, NV., Norma June Cruz (Gary) Union City, CA, brothers: Ric Riggs (Laurie) KS., Larry Riggs ( Cindy) IN., nine grandchildren and six great grandchildren. She was preceded in death: Rickey Norman Goldsmith (Brother), Amanda Ruthann Gill (Granddaughter), Kevin Michael Spencer Gill (Grandson), Michael Wade Barnett (Son) She attended Washington High school Fremont CA and COS. She was a CNA, Apartment manager, Cafeteria worker VSUD, Hannah's Triangle and Nanny. Her hobbies include cake decorating and baking she was an avid ceramic artist, and raised birds. Active in the Sierra meadows social club A few years ago Judy lost most of her vision but never let that get in the way of her enjoying life. Judy loved the Lord and was such a sweet prayer warrior. She will be sorely missed by all. A celebration of life will be Saturday, May 12, 2012 at 3:00 PM at Gateway Church Auditorium. Private burial. Condolences may be e-mailed to info@salseranddillard.com

Published in Visalia Times-Delta and Tulare Adv-Register on May 12, 2012

 

I thought I would share my grandmother poem she wrote about my mom

so many years ago. 

 

Judy

March 13, 1944, is a special day

Because God sent a beautiful daughter my way

I was so young, at the age of sixteen

But my motherhood love, was felt very keen

As I took her into my arms of love

Cheeks rosy and skin like a dove

I shall never forget, how my heart flowed with Joy

Because I wanted a girl and not a boy

And this baby girl; Judy, was the spark of my life

From the day she was born, till this very night

Not only today, but always she’ll be

A special daughter, yet my baby you see

For no matter how old or winkled or grey

God sent a beautiful daughter my way

Now that her faith is renewed in the Lord

And the word of God is her sword

I know that if in this world we should part

A beautiful assurance, I have in my heart

That someday in the sweet by-in-by, we shall meet

And praise the Lord and worship at his feet

And what a glorious Day this will be

Our blessed savior, we shall see

So now you see why this is a special day

Because she is a special daughter, in every way.

Written By Jo Goldsmith March 11, 1976

The bed is now empty...

My sister-in-law Robin, and my aunt Ruthie were sitting up with my mom when I woke up and I came and sat with them.  We watched as my mother struggled to breathe.  I had set her medication up to be administered every two hours but as we gave her the next dose she seemed to be in discomfort and anxious for at least 30 minutes.  I contacted the nurse on call and asked that we increase her medication to every hour.  It seemed to make a big difference.  Robin had already started setting her alarm on her phone to go off every two hours so we set her phone to alarm every hour. 

As we watched her in the darkness, I said: "It looks like she is crying."    She said just a few profound sentences while struggling to breathe.  She said, "I am dying"  and "I have been crying"    At some point of our sleep deprived evening, I decided to try and figure out what the dosage of her medication was in miligrams for the 24 hour period.  I thought my aunt, who is smart enough to be a CPA could do this.   We laughed so hard because the numbers didn't seem to add up, and then Ruthie said Norma would be able to figure it out.  We laughed about waking her up to figure out what my mothers daily dosage would be.  I think it was more funny because we were so tired. 

I contacted the hospice office because my mom would run out of medication and she needed it refilled.  The hospice nurse was very rude to me on the phone because I was explaining to her the dosage and said a syringe and a half instead of a dose and a half.  I had to pass the phone to Norma who corrected me and told them we were giving her .75 ml of the medication.  I asked if she was coming to see my mom and she told me she would if she had time.  I was irked by this. 

I layed down for a nap and just dozed off to sleep when Kathy Keiser arrived.  Aunt Nornie came and woke me up.  I stood there while she was assesing my mom and finally she said to me, "Do you have anything you want to say?"  and I very calmly let her know what I felt. 

1. We had a situation in April where I needed the hospice nurse to come and visit and was told the oncall nurse was coming three times on the phone.  We never received a visit or a call that she wasn't coming.  When Kathy came the following day she said there was a note in the computer that I called and cancelled the request. 
2. The LVN announcing that my mom was going to expire.  I did say that I felt Melissa had the makings for a wonderful nurse but she should never announce this to the family.  Melissa also said she would send out a greif counselor and someone else and NOBODY showed up. 
3. the social worker came out and told my mom she would return on a specific date and bring her lunch and they would have a chat.  She not only didn't show up but when I called to see if she was coming she told me she would call me back and NEVER DID!  The social worker has blue hair and nails that are so encrusted with glitter and crap, she could flag down aircraft from the sky.  I think she should be held to a more professional appearance standard.
4. The chaplin was requsted to bring a daily bread to my mom and when I told Kathy about it, he finally came and brought the book.  Kathy had left a message and said she'd given him the book to give to us that day.  He came to our home and announced that he'd been carrying this around in his car for a while.  I cannot stand being lied to!!
5. I told her I was disappointed with hospice because I thought our mutal goal was to keep my mother comfortable and out of pain.  I told her that It has been a horrible experience. 
6. I told her I didn't appreciate the way she talks to me on the phone.

you know they hadn't even ordered her medication until the nurse came that day.  We also discovered that after she left my mom would only have enough medication until 4:30 in the AM.   We had to contact the on call Hospice nurse Sandy and she went to the pharmacy after it closed and brought us some more medication.   We called her out again before midnight because we were having a hard time with my mother's breathing she had lots of phlem in her throat and needed to be suctioned.  The Hospice nurse ordered her a suction machine.  The hospice nurse also called out the chaplin from Fresno to come and sit with us for a while. 

My husband who was sound asleep heard the chaplin drive into the other driveway and grabbed his shotgun and heading out the door towards his car.  My sister in law came running into my mom's room and said, "I don't know what's going on but David has a shotgun and is heading out the door!!" 
I ran after him and caught up with him as he greeted the chaplin with the gun in his hand.  The Chaplin was pretty shaken up too!  This is still pretty funny when I think about it. 

The chaplin stayed with us until almost 2 AM and read the bible and prayed.  He shared with us his wife had just passed away eight months ago.  We said goodbye to the chaplin and Robin, Jake and I all sat around mom's bed.  At 3:15 AM Robin asked her son Jake if he planned to stay up with us and he said he did.  We decided it was time for another cup of coffee so we left the room for coffee and Jake stayed behind to read the bible and pray with her.  He had just finished his prayer when we came back into the room and she had gone to be with the Lord.  

the empty bed...

We contacted the hospice nurse and she came back to the house to prounounce time of death at 2:30 AM May 10th 2012.   We called all the family and I woke up my aunt Norma who was asleep to tell her.  We all sat around until the funeral home came to pick up my mom's body.  I went in with the nurse and we cleaned and changed my mother.  I felt so sad but I couldn't cry.  I felt she was rejoicing in heaven with Jesus and all of her friends.   I had cried alot before this day.  I am happy for my mother because her suffering is finally over. 

Walking in death's shadow

We have finally come to this place where my mom is asleep and in another world most of the day and night.  She looks at peace and as long as we have her sitting in a chair, she feels like she can breathe.  She is only giving me short yes or no answers to questions like, "Mom do you need your blanket on your feet?"  I am going to stay by herside all day today. 

As I am typing this I hear the radio; my sweet husband remembered to put the radio on the oldies station, so my mom could enjoy music playing softly in the background.  I am touched by his acts of kindness toward my mom.  He has been so good to get up in the middle of the night, when I needed his assistance.  He gave my mom a hug last night and you could feel the love in the room.  They have never been super huggy - squeezie and they have for the most part had a love / hate relationship all these years.  My mom told me a few months ago she felt like she resented him because he took her daughter away.   She said sometimes that is the way it felt but also said, that she loved him too.  The minute we got married we were sent to live far away because of my husband's job in the Navy. 

Her dog princess has been totally by her side, she knows what's happening.  I texted and called everyone yesterday to let them know that my mother's time here on earth is coming to an end and soon she will be healed for heaven.  Her good friend Kelley Joslin came over she had been on at a conference of Dental hygienists in Anaheim and was traveling home when she got my message.   My good friend Kellie Hawker came and picked up the girls, who have been pretty good for the most part but are stressed out, and whisked them away from the reality that their last grandparent is dying.   My mom's friend Arlene came over and she was so emotional, she had to take a moment to compose herself before she sat down with my mom.  Our son Robby and his wife came over and they sat with grandma for a while.

I called my mom's two sisters and gave them an update on my mom and while I was on the phone with my Aunt Ruthie. I looked up and saw this dark cloud of bees right above my head moving fast.  I said something like, "I have got to go there are bee's coming toward me!"    I ran into the house and the bees swarmed our old water tower. 

I am calling hospice this AM and going to see if the nurse can come out today.  My prayer for my mother is she is comforted and out of pain today.

Tender moments...

our youngest Brendon saying goodbye to his grandmother

Those quiet times when you say goodbye.  I have been privileged to watch people come and say goodbye to my mom for the last two days.  She is now unresponsive for the most part.  Her dog Princess keeps a quiet vigil on her master by laying faithfully at her side.   I am sad because I thought there would be more time to plan her funeral and ensure any of her wishes were fulfilled. 

My mother is one of those rare people who attract very loyal and dear friends.  She is such a sweet person!  I have been so blessed to really get to see what a beautiful person she is.  We spent too much of our life being too much alike and really not liking to look into that mirror at we saw in each other.  Which was in essence eachother and our simularities.

 My dad died, suddenly of a stroke, 18 months ago.  my mom tearfully told me how much she loved me and how sorry she was about my dad's imminent  passing. The doctor had just told her, while I was in the bathroom, that my dad had a massive stroke and his brain was engulfed in blood.  We were still in the Emergency room and I remember her hugging me and saying, "I LOVE YOU" and I said, "How could you love me, you don't even like me!"  I remember her hugging me tighter and saying, "I do love you!"  We just sobbed in each other's arms.

 I prayed and asked God to help us figure out our relationship and give us the time to do this before she died, because I didn't want there to be any hard feelings for me to deal with after she left this world.  I seriously didn't want her to have cancer that metathesized into her brain, but I am so very fortunate that we healed our relationship and forgave past hurts, before she came to the place where she isn't communicating.  I am thankful that I was able to care for her and show her the love she showed me when I was a little girl.   I reassured her that she was a great mom! 



It won't be long before the woman God gave to be my momma, will be making her final journey to heaven.  I think she held on for her friend Diane Birk to come see her.  I think she needed to write her thoughts in a thank you note and Diane was kind enough to do this.   I just read something on the Internet about the five things you must do before you die and she did all of them. 

The five tasks of dying

Ask for forgiveness

offer forgiveness

Offer heartfelt thanks

Offer Sentiments of Love

Say goodbye

My heart hurts because I know, I will soon never have her touch or see her smile, until I make my journey to be with her in Heaven.  I will never be able to call another woman Momma here on this earth; but soon, she will be reunited with her momma in heaven just in time for Mother's day.  

http://dying.about.com/od/thedyingprocess/a/5_tasks_dying.htm * taken from this website

My mom's brother...

My mother has three half brothers, two sisters and a brother.  She has always had a close bond with her brother Ric, who lives in Abilene, Kansas.  He has always made an effort over the years to stay in contact with her and he has been thoughtful about sending cards and gift through the years. 

I contacted him on Facebook to let him know about my mom and he texted me, "What can I do?"  I texted him back, "Come see her"  He said when I sent that he just knew that he needed to come.  He arranged it with his boss at work and coordinated it so his daughter Coni and her husband Kyle could come with them.  This was no easy feat they had to drive two hours from their home to the airport.  My uncle lost his knife during the body cavity search by TSA because he had forgotten it in his carry on bag.  They confiscated his knife and said it would be destroyed.  He had that knife for over 20 years, so I am sure that was not easy to let them take his knife.  He also lost his cell phone on the first leg of his flight it was clipped to his waistband and when he stood up to disembark the phone fell onto the seat. 

Judy as she says, "My brother Ric?"

His wife Lorrie was texting me the whole entire time.  She let me know the plane landed and then when they were coming over after checking into their hotel.  I kept my mom busy and tried really hard not to let on that there was company coming. 

Judy and Ric

She was napping when they pulled into the driveway.  I went to the door and there stood my uncle who I hadn't seen since I was 5 or 6 years old.  He smiled really big at me and put his arms out and gave me a great big hug.  I started to cry tears of joy!  My uncle Ric's eyes were misty too.  He wanted to come in and greet my mom first, he walked to her chair she had just fallen asleep.  He knelt in front of her and said quietly, "Hi sis!" she opens her eyes and says, "Is this my Louie?"  "Nooo," he says, "It's your brother Ric."  "My brother Ric?" her eyes grew wide and she looked shocked that her brother had traveled to see her from so far away.  It was a sweet moment.  His wife Lorrie and his daughter Coni and her husband Kyle all came in and greeted my mom. 

A tearful farewell!

They stayed for four days.  It didn't seem long enough and when they left it was sad to see them go.  I am thankful that they took the time to come see her now while she is still coherent.

We all mean good

It seems like a struggle sometimes with other people in my moms life, everyone means good and we all want the best for her but somedays it feels like we are at war.  Its not the kind of war that has been fought with weapons and artillary throughout the ages, this is the subtle type of war, a war with words, crafted in just a way to sting just a little bit.

I have been up front and honest with my mom.  I told her that I want to be her caregiver and I NEED to be with her but she has to allow me to have her in my home because, after she goes to heaven, I still want to have a husband and a family.  I know that David wouldn't leave me because I am taking care of my mom at her home. I know that I have four people besides my mom depending on me to make their day go, just right.
Last week was a scary, my mom slept allot and when she talked, she was out of touch, most of the time.  I thought it was her brain tumor but what it actually happened was her medication needed to be adjusted and increased to a slow release morphine, since the nurse did this, she has been completely out of pain and coherent.  I had asked Robin to come over in the mornings while I ran the girls to school and sit with my mom.  She faithfully came every morning to sit and have coffee with my mom and visit.

 My mom was emotional everytime someone mentioned her friends at Sierra Meadows or her friend Marie.  I felt bad for her because she was at my home and was missing her place and her friends terriably.  My sister-in-law declared that she and her daughter Monica would be taking turns to stay with my mom at her place so she could be home, then she asks: what days I would like to stay at my mom's house.  I looked at her, eye to eye and told her exactly what I had told my mom.  I could not stay with her at her place.  I have obligations to more than just one person.
 "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of few."  My home is just as peaceful for her during the day and she has figured out how to navigate herself to the bathroom and outside to take her dog potty.  She likes it at my house.

Robin told me that she really needs to stay at her house.  She was sad infront of Robin about missing her friends.  I told her, "Well Robin she was sad about her friend Marie too.  Do you think we should load her up and take her to Sacramento too?"  There was so much tension in the air.  At one point my phone rang and it was the LVN Melissa she was coming for a visit I told her we were at my moms.  Monica, my neice,  was helping my mom get ready when the LVN arrived.

Melissa is a pretty girl she has long blond curly hair that falls just past her shoulders.  Her hair is usually pulled off her face and clipped in the back with a barrette. Melissa has pretty blue eyes and a button nose, she is probably in her early thirtys, very informative and very nice.  She asked at one point if we had any questions.  Robin chimed in and asked if hospice provides people to stay with the paitent.  The nurse said no, they don't offer that, it would be something we would have to pay out of pocket for.  I thought to myself, my mom would never want a stranger to come into her home and stay with her that would be way too uncomfortable.  Robin asked for the hospice nurses phone number I am sure she wanted to discuss in detail how my mom wanted to be at home.   The nurse left and I suggested we pull out our calenders and get a schedule together.


We decided that I would take my mom home until Thursday; when she would pick her up and bring her back to Sierra Meadows. Robin informed me that she wouldn't be able to help me in the AM while I ran the kids to school but it was ok because my mom is usually up by then and can ride with me to drop everyone off.  This weekend her friend Tina is coming to see her.  So She will probably be with me if she isn't with her friend.  We made plans to have sunday supper at my house and start the week from there.  Robin volunteered to take my mom out to the benches to visit and my neice Monica and I sat in the living room and talked.

Monica and grandma

I told Monica how proud she made me.  What a good caregiver she was to grandma and when she is with her I didn't worry at all about my mom.   We had a moment of silence and I said to her, "Wow, your mom is a spaz today!"  We both chuckled.  It will work itself out, I just know it will.                    

Aunt Ruthie's house...

My mom called me today from Nevada, it was nice to hear her voice.  I had decided even though I wanted to talk to her that I would let her call me.  She called me three times yesterday, and we chatted.  She said that she was resting most of the day.  I asked her if she was using her oxygen and she said yes.  I told her about Samantha's post on her Facebook the other day and how when I saw it I cried.  I read it to her and and her voice started to quiver and she said, "Well wasn't that nice!"  

Samantha Gill 

Grandma I Pray for you, i love you and always will.  Please if you do leave this earth,  I want you to know I love you so much and I know you're strong.   I just hope that you can give me the strength to be strong. I know I'm not and i need to work on that,  but I cannot lose you without saying,  I LOVE YOU!  When you get to heaven can you tell Amanda and Grandpa that I love them and hope to seee them soon.???  I love you so much grandma!  Stay strong and I will find the strength to stand beside you ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

Aunt Ruthie

 As much as I dreaded her leaving for Nevada I have a peace about her making the trip to see her sister.  She said they laid on the bed together and just talked about things.  My Aunt Ruthie has always been such a dear, sweet person.   She has such a tender heart.  She was just a teenager when I was born and I have always loved her.  Aunt Ruthie was my matron of honor in my wedding and we named our first daughter, Amanda Ruthann, after her great aunt.  Aunt Ruthie is one of those rare people, who everyone just loves!  

The Goldsmith Family
Norman, Jo, Judy, Ruthie and Norma June

One of my first memories of Aunt Ruthie was when my brother Michael and I were very little and we were sick with chicken pox. now, I don't know if she gave us chicken pox or we gave her the chicken pox.  I just know we were sick about the same time with it.   This also coincided with the disappearance of my brother's  turtle and there was a funky odor in our room.  We looked and looked for his turtle and finally found it's decaying and stinky remains under our bunk beds.  Ugh!  You know I can still remember the stench!  I also have a pox mark in my forehead as a souvenir from the chickenpox. 


My mom called again around 11 PM just to talk.  It was nice to hear her voice again before I went off to bed.  The girls had a little neighbor girl, Jena spend the night. All three girls were playing a game of charades when the phone rang, so I had to ask them to leave the dining room so I could hear my mom on the phone.   We were both tired, she told me she loved me and said she was headed back to sleep.  I got the girls to bed at almost midnight and fell asleep almost immediately after climbing into bed and laying my head on the pillow. 

Preparing for her trip...

My mom has been making plans to go see my Aunt Ruthie in Nevada.  Since all the birthday activities, she has declined in health.   She was so exhausted on her birthday it really scared me. My Mom said it scared her too.  I went over to see her today and half expected to find her still in bed and she was perky, still wheezing but a lot better then the day before.

 We waited for the Hospice nurse to come.  She was anxious, I had to give her, the "chill out" medication. (lorazapam) It didn't seem to help  She had all of her clothes all over her bed and in the orderly stages of packing for her trip.   Kelley Hannah  Joslin came over during her lunch hour and she helped her pick out her jewelry and visited for a while.  Kelley is such a sweet girl!  Very thoughtful and loving toward my mom.
Kelley had to rush off and my mom called out to her, "I love you Kelley, you should have been my daughter"  and Kelley smiled real big and replied, "If I had been, we probably wouldn't have been the close friends we were."

Judy and Kelley in the late 80's early 90's 

She is still wheezing very loudly and she was tired, so I suggested that she sit down and put her oxygen on.  She was sitting with her head leaned back on the couch cushion  and eyes closed when the nurse came.   After listening to her lungs and a quick examination.   The nurse felt that she should postpone her trip until we had the time to set hospice up for her in Nevada., so they could follow her care there.  I asked the nurse if we could order a handheld oxygen machine and she said she would look into it.  She made a phone call and the person on the other end, told her that they were out, but she could be evaluated by a respiratory therapist and possibly get one tomorrow.

Kelley Hannah Joslin and Judy  2012

  She is planning on being gone for the whole next week and return Sunday or Monday. March 15-26th.  She was adamant about leaving, she knows that her health, won't hold out forever and she wanted to make this trip while she is healthy enough to enjoy it.

While the nurse was there she told me that she wanted to take her dog to Petsmart to get her groomed before she left: because her dogs claws are too long and her dog is in pain.  I made the appointment while the nurse was there.

We dropped off Princess, her dog, and went to Applebee's for a late lunch.  I am not sure if it was just the excitement of the trip or the brain tumor, but there were a few times I felt she was just not quite herself.  We picked her dog up and I drove her home.  Once we got into her apartment, she was pacing like a lioness on the prowl.  She was anxious to get outside and sit on her benches in the courtyard.  She was really wheezing, so I told her she needed to sit with the oxygen hooked up for a few minutes and let me get her medication for her.

She left shortly afterward for the benches and I was putting her medication away and tiding up her house.  I met her out at the bench with a cup of tea, hoping this would calm her.  She drank the tea and we visited.  I contacted the Hospice nurse who was on call, to make sure I could give her another dose of her "chill out" medication.  The Nurse asked when the last dose was given, she told me that we could give her another dose.  When I got off the phone with her and my mom finally decided to settle down and climb in bed she didn't need another dose after all.  She ate some chocolate cheese cake, her friend had sent her for her birthday.  I took her dish and fork and washed it up in the sink as she drifted off to sleep.   I left her apartment and headed home.

Surprise, Surprise, Surprise...

When you say it three times together, you can't help but to think of Gomer Pyle; this was his trademark saying and it makes me laugh.    Today my mom's friends decided to throw her and Lori Trowbridge a surprise party. It was all planned out, I came a little early to drop off the balloons and my salad for the pot luck and visited with my mom.    I had to run and pay bills and told her I would come back later.  My mom called me to tell me to come back because there was a meeting to discuss her wishes and formally put them on paper. Her director Lori was there and the social worker Claire, Kellie Joslin and I.

Judy and Betty 

When I returned, everyone was waiting for her in the community room and all I had to do is get her there.  Now that sounds easy right?  Not this day, it was like herding cats, she didn't want to walk through the laundry room to get to the party.  She wanted to walk out the front door and all the way around the building and sit on the benches in the back of the courtyard.  A friend came up and started to chat with her and I walked back to the party without her.  I explained my plight to her friend Betty; who is kind of a take charge kind of gal. She has a certain tone to her voice. A tone  that you just want to do what she says and nobody will get hurt.

Judy and Lori 

She brought her over to the community room and everyone yelled surprise!!  She was too!  Her friend Betty and Arlene had decorated the room and bought her a cake, with Lori  and mom's pictures on the top.  It was a lot of fun!  I love pot lucks because you never know what's going to be at the party, but most the time its delicious!    My mom was so excited and happy.  I know this just made her day!  I had to leave because our older daughter Samantha was in a play and my husband volunteered to do the concession stand; which meant that I was his helper.  So I kissed my mom goodbye and left with my husband.

I kept thinking about my mom the whole entire night and got home and found I had a message on my phone.  It was my mom, she had been thinking about me, she left me the sweetest voice mail, it made me cry.  I called her back and left her a message.she called at 10:30 PM and we talked for a little bit.  I love my mom.

All Things working together...

one of the only pictures with my parents and some of their grands
(Missing are Jeremy and Robby) taken 2000

It always strikes me funny when things work out the way they do.  I came over to my mom's this AM to kind of get her started on her day and check in with her. I sent Olivia in to her building to just see if Grandma was up.  Olivia went into grandma's room and said in a real quiet whisper, "Grandma are you alive?"  My mom was so tired this morning, she moaned to her and said "Yeah I think I am alive."   I waited in the car for Olivia to come back out and tell me if Grandma was awake, she never did.  Olivia was visiting with Grandma, when I entered her apartment.  Grandma had Olivia repeat what she said to her when she woke her that she had daffy duck lips.  We all had  a good laugh!  I wanted to take our three dogs to the groomers and it just wasn't in the cards.  I also wanted to get Beau our Australian Shepherd into get his shots but I arrived four minutes past 11 AM and they were closed four minutes ago.

 I came back to my mom's and we decided that she would lay down and I would read her bible to her.  We opened up her bible and found today's devotion and it was about how God led Gideon to choose his army, by the way they drank water from a stream.  Which right now makes me chuckle. because it was Gods way of playing, eenie, meanie, miney, mo. You know, when we were little kids and we had to pick the very best one...  We got a call that hospice nurse was coming to visit her today.  They told us her name was Kathy Keiser yesterday and I thought to myself,  "Gee that name sounds familiar."

They called to let us know that the nurse would be there between 3 and 4PM and I had a bunch of errands to run with my husband but was able to meet with the nurse.  She called to tell us she was running late and arrived almost an hour and a half later.  My mom, Betty and Arlene sat around and chatted in the living room and we waited.

 I told my mom, "Well she is either going to be one of those nurses, who takes the time with all of her patients and gives everyone quality care or she will be hurried and cranky when she arrives and give us the end of the day rush."   The nurse arrived and I greeted her at the door. She is middle aged and dishwater blonde curly, shoulder length hair and has a bubbly personality. I knew her from when I worked at the Viking Sewing gallery: inside Joann's, she bought one of the last sewing machines from me before the store closed.  I have always thought about her from time to time. she has an incredible story, which included losing a kidney to an infection, while she was in nursing school.  She had to drop out but then enrolled at West Hills College and finished her nursing degree.

She was awesome! Really took the time with my mom, they had the oxygen guy come and set up an oxygen machine for her.  She took the time to explain the medication and she just made my mom and I both feel so at ease.  She was the awesome nurse who took the time to make us feel important at the end of her very busy day.  Somewhere in the hustle and bustle Arlene and Betty left to attend Bingo night.  Betty was so sweet to grab my hand as she left, it was a very tender gesture. Arlene gave me a big smile and said goodbye and off they went.  I know now, how come these women have become so special to my mom.

My mom started to heat up her left over stew and I helped her with her liquid medication. She said she was for the first time, pain free. She had sit down to eat dinner and we were talking about the day and how everything worked together she even quoted the bible scripture Romans 8:28.   I shared with her what I had posted on my Facebook today:


"I am so thankful for so many things today! I want to make this thankful Thursday list one 


thing that you are thankful for today! I am thankful for God's peace and all my Facebook 




friends who prayed for me yesterday"  I began to read Kelley Joslin's post on Facebook and she 


started to cry.  She said she was so surprised to see Kelley yesterday she just broke down and started to 


cry. I told her I understood, Kelley has been a good friend to her for many years.

Kelley Hannah Joslin 


"I am thankful for the beautiful friendship I have with your mom. I 


have never had a more true and caring friend as her. I am blessed!"

I hugged my mom as I left, she seems so vulnerable to me, 


 I feel as if I need to protect her.  I was worried about 


her being unsteady and told her I wanted to call one of her 


friends to walk her back to her room and she asked me not 


to.  She said she needed some time alone with her 


thoughts.  So I hugged and kissed her again and left her 


sitting on a rock in the front of the building.  I made her 


promise me that she would call me when she got inside. 


She forgot to call me but I called her just to be sure.  Her 


friends found her and scolded her for not having someone 


walk with her. I am glad she has more than one person 


looking after her there.  

I Am going to close with the bible verse King James Bible (Cambridge Ed.)And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose Romans 8:28

PET SCAN APPOINTMENT

I left my cell number with the oncologist just in case they needed to contact her about the PET scan and they called today and left a message and I called back.  She is scheduled for February 14, 2012: Valentines day, to have a PET Scan.  She has to arrive by 10:30 in the morning and she will be given another call to inform her about the preparation for the appointment, basically directions on what she needs to do before.

I called my mom and gave her the information about her appointment and we chatted.  Today is the day I go out to Lemoore to grocery shop and run errands.  I asked her if she needed me to pick up anything. We want to go see that movie, " Extremely Loud, Incredibly Close."  and while she was on the phone she told me she wanted to call me last night but thought I'd be asleep and I told her I wanted to call her but thought the same thing.  We have that "ESPN" connection again.   She told me that she decided that she wants to go have pictures, have lunch and go see a movie that is coming out on my birthday.  I told her that she should go on her trip and she said she prayed about it and she feels like she needs to celebrate my birthday and then leave the next day.

I told her I would be by later to see her and wanted to take her and her friends pictures.  I called her later when I was on the way home from the grocery store and told her that I was going to put away the groceries and I would be over.  She sounds so tired on the phone.  I told her to get some rest and call me when she wakes up she said, "No you come over I will wait for you."  So I lugged in all the groceries and put them away and put together a bag of stuff that I bought for her at the store.  They had a sale on Cranberry juice and she loves cranberry juice so I picked up extra.

 I feel a sense of urgency to get back to her when I am gone.  She called me the other day just to tell me she was thinking about me.  I had just finished praying for her and the phone rang.  It made me feel like God heard my prayer and whispered in her ear to call me.  I don't want to overwhelm her with my presence but I want to be there when she needs me.

I pulled up in front of her building and she wasn't in her apartment,  I tapped on the door and Lori the property manager was there she let me in and said my mom was probably out on the bench where her posse congregate.
Her group of ladies consists of Betty who is several years her senior and rides around in a motorized chair but can get up and walk short distances.  She has salt and pepper grey hair ..  Arlene who has short blonde slightly wavy hair and a very pretty face.  She looks so good for her age. Arlene has a radiant tan from living in Hawaii before she relocated to Visalia.   She is my mom's bestie. These are just a few of the group she hangs out with.

We walked back to her place and my mom told me that she was tired.  We talked about going to see a movie but when you don't feel good you don't want to go anywhere.  She ate a plate of food Arlene had brought to her and she talked on the phone to her sister Ruthie, who is coming down tomorrow to stay with her for a few days.

We decided on the last minute that we would go to the mall and get some refills of the air fresheners at Bed Bath and Beyond.  When we got to the mall I asked her if she wanted a pretzel from Auntie Annie's.  Those pretzels are the best!  We both got a salted pretzel and walked over to the Bed bath and beyond to shop.  They had a special on those oil refills so I got her three and I got three for me.  While we were there they rolled down the metal doors which signaled to us they were closing.

I took her home, hugged and kissed her goodbye and had to go meet David for a late dinner because he had lodge.

Dragons and other scary beasts...like CANCER

Cancer is like...a great big scary beast you dare not speak it's name or it might swoop down on you and make you wish you had never heard of such a thing.   There are lots of different scary beasts in the world, as there are lots of different cancers, each one has a different name and personality.

We all went with my mom to her oncologist it was in Tulare.   I felt like my mom's entourage, we had her friend Arlene, my sister in law Robin, niece Monica and I.  We were informed that this cancer she has is NON-SMALL CELL CARCINOMA (Our Dragon has a name!)  I asked why its not large cell carcinoma and the doctor told us that there are five sub-categories of this cancer and its depends on what it looks like under the microscope.   He named them off and the only one I recall is squamous cell, the only reason this comes to mind  is my year of biology in college.  Her dragon is Adenocarcinoma and it's also the most common form of lung cancer.  The good news is this is a slower cancer then the small cell cancer cousin.  The bad news is there is a five year survial rate, and she is stage four.

While we waited for the doctor there was a poem in a frame on the counter in the doctors office.  He has a big, comfy, leather recliner in each exam room instead of an exam table for the patient.  So my mom sat in that chair and I spotted the poem and asked my niece Monica if she would read the poem out loud she declined she was afraid she would cry.  So I began to read it....

What Cancer Cannot Do

Author: Unknown

Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.

We all sat in silence and everyone commented on what a nice poem it was, it reminded me of the bible verse about God's love. Romans 8:35 "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?"  The answer is nothing separates us from God's love.

The doctor seemed nice he was a short, older Chinese man with salt and pepper grey hair and spoke pretty good English. He was reassuring that chemotherapy has changed in the last thirty years, its not as hard to take and the side effects aren't as harsh. He asked the same questions that mom and Arlene has filled out on a form. It seemed redundant to ask them again, when they were answered on a paper before she was even seen.

I could tell my mom was irritated and in pain. She says her head hurts all the time and now her pain is in in her legs. I feel bad for her and all I could do is reach over and rub her back and reassure her silently. The doctor is ordering lots of tests: a PET Scan which basically injects sugar into the vein and cancer is attracted to sugar and where the cancer is, it glows brightly. This will give us a map of where our dragon has been in her body. The next test is a bone scan to make sure the cancer hasn't spread to her bones. And the last test is an MRI with contrast to see if it has spread to her brain. The scary part of this cancer is it spreads to the brain in 60% of the patients with lung cancer. I hope this isn't the case with her.

The group decides to go back to her house and Robin is going to pick up pizza. I had to attend a board meeting so I just had her drop me off on the way home. I asked Robin for a ride, because I wanted to talk to her after the appointment we hardly get to visit in our busy lives. I knew we would have things to say. They all went back and had pizza together. My mom said they had a nice time, and once again, she is surrounded in love.

Pepsi and quarters...

Olivia and Jessica Rager
 getting their groove on

My mom called me yesterday and asked if I would bring over some Pepsi.  I was at a rainbow installation with our girls and  I had planned to bring her over some last night but, I forgot that there was a dance after the installation and my girls love to dance!  We had a good time, we helped clean up afterward and I offered to drive some of the left over food home for the Hoffman family.  They looked exhausted.  It is a lot of work to host an installation, both their daughters were in gorgeous dresses and the food was wonderful.  I was happy to help.  We have a big Ford Excursion so it can hold lots of stuff and myself and three girls to help them cart all the food in.

Samantha, Savannah and Olivia

I woke up this morning and gave my daughters directions on getting their chores done.  We have a little girl living with us who is one year between the girls.  So we have 13, 12, and 11 year olds.  Savannah's parents became homeless right after Christmas and they are staying in a garage with her grandmother on the other side of town.  Savannah would of had to change schools and there really isn't room for her there.  We have plenty of room at our house and she is such a sweet little girl it's a blessing having her here. 

My mom had called me and asked for quarters for her washing machine; if I could pick some up for her, when I got her Pepsi.  So off I go to the dollar store, no sooner did my feet hit the door when my cell phone starts ringing.  It was Olivia and I could hardly understand what she was saying through her sobs.  "Momma, Sami-Jo is being mean to me."  I told her that she needed to get along with her sister and do her chores or she would be in big trouble when I got home.  That phone rang four times and each time unintelligible sobs came from the other end.  I finally had to say, don't call me again.  My brain was fried.  I felt so stressed out, I couldn't even find the money in my wallet to pay for my purchases.  I finally found it and the cashier was happy that I wasn't holding up her line anymore.  

I had planned to bring the Pepsi and quarters and stay for a short while.  Once I got to her apartment, she had to walk her dog, so we ended up outside with some of her friends sitting on a bench talking about their plans for the Superbowl and the party they are going to have.  My mom leans over to me and says, "I have been so busy since I moved here with all these party's."  We both looked at each other with a knowing glance.  We both know she loves the excitement.  Today's excitement included fire trucks responding to her housing complex because one of her neighbors decided to put her oven on the self clean cycle; and this oven was too dirty for this option.  The dirty oven smoked out the entire building, and caused the alarm to sound, the same alarm that sounded the night we found out she had cancer.  

We talked about her upcoming trip to Nevada to see her sisters. Aunt Ruthie lives in Nevada and Aunt Nornie would travel from the Bay Area and meet her in Sacramento.   She had been wanting to go see her friend Glenda, who she met at the blind center and she lives in Palm dessert, her friend Arlene; who would be giving her a ride there, was going to leave around my birthday and she didn't want to miss it.  I told her to go see her friend.   We could celebrate our birthdays together when she got back. We are just two weeks apart and twenty years difference in age.  I told her, "Mom you should travel while you feel healthy enough to; you never know how much time you have before you won't be up to traveling."

David, LaDon, Robby and Jeremy

I offered to put her wash in the machines, but my mom had to walk down to the laundry with me and show me how to wash clothes.  I had to chuckle a little bit, because I have been washing clothes for over twenty-eight years now.  I married a widowed man with two small children and I got thrown into the whole housewife gig overnight. I just stood there while she loaded the washers; all the time complaining about the fact that she HATES front loaders.  I had to get back home and take the body count see who was left standing after epic battle in the Gill home.  So I gave my mom a hug and kissed her goodbye and left for home.  

I drove down our street and was relieved to see all three girls and Olivia comes up to my window and announces, "Our bikes got jacked!" I was so mad! I said in a very calm voice, "Both your bikes were stolen? In a louder voice I asked, "Why weren't they locked up on the porch?"  No one could answer that question for me.  Later they came to me and said they suspected that they were locked together and someone stole them both.(Highly doubtful!)  I laugh now as I am reading this because they must have thought about this for quite some time and came up with an answer that would deflect any blame that might be coming their way.  

In Death's shadow...

Non Small cell lung cancer...This is what we are fighting.   My mom had my sister in law Robin and her daughter Monica come and meet us at the clinic. We all crammed into a little exam room.  Her doctor came in cheerful as ever, tomorrow is her birthday and during her exam, my mom started singing, "Happy Birthday" to her.  She told us the grim news that it was what we had suspected; but hoped in our hearts wasn't. Monica put her head in her hands and sobbed quietly.  My mom reached over to console her oldest granddaughter as Dr. Mahoney handed Monica a box of tissues.   She had printed up a paper that told us all about it.  The symptoms and how they detect it.

She has put in a consult to the Oncologist and we are all going to go there on Monday.  As I write this my mind keeps repeating this so I will just close with it.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

The day before...

Today is the day before tomorrow... Which is the day that we will find out exactly what we are dealing with.  My mom had her CT Scan with biopsy on January 31st  which is almost two weeks since we got the diagnosis in the emergency room.  Lots of thoughts flood my mind as I wait for this day to finish and tomorrow to begin.

My grandmother  Jo Goldsmith

I think about everyone we have lost to death in my lifetime.  All of them have been very sudden departures. When I was young my little cousin Charlene died and although she was ill; it came as a surprise that she had passed way.  I was sad about her passing but her death was hardest on her mother Norma, "Aunt Nornie" who had lost her only daughter.   My beloved grandmother Jo Goldsmith; who always made an effort to make everyone feel so special and loved, had a heart attack; went in for a bypass surgery, had a stroke a day later and died with our family surrounding her bed and singing hymns and praises to Jesus.   What a beautiful way to leave this earth and be guided into the heavenly realms.  Her death left me very sad for a very long time. I mourned my grandmother and had to go to see a counselor to deal with my grief.  Little did I know that the coping skills that I gained from my time on a counselors couch, would help me through the rest of my losses.

My next loss and this is one that no mother wants to ever do, loose a child, let alone your only daughter.  It was an accident and happened when we were in the middle of moving clear across the United States, from Washington state to Florida, for a job that my husband had taken.  Amanda was only five years old and looking back, I think I had a feeling something was very wrong.  I waited for the movers the whole entire morning to come and start packing our stuff up. The whole day the verse in Isaiah 40:31 kept coming to mind, But they that wait upon the LORD will renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. 
My husband had called numerous times because he had found a perfect house for us, but needed my signature; so we could proceed with an offer, of course this was way before every home had a fax machine.  I had to travel fifteen minutes into town to fax it at our Realtor's office, but I couldn't leave until our older boys got home from high school.   When they finally arrived I was fairly agitated because the movers were very late, my husbands persistent calls and the urgency in his voice that I had to get those papers signed.   I remember leaving our home and as I am walking down those stairs to leave, a sweet little voice calls back to me and says, "Wait! Momma you forgot to give me a kiss!"  I was in so much of a hurry that I just waved her off like a pesky fly and said I will kiss you when I get back. Little did I know at that very moment,  I would never get the chance to kiss that sweet, little rosy cheeked, girl again.

Amanda Gill 

 While I was signing the papers, I got a 911 page, it was my oldest son Jeremy and he was frantic, "The trailer is on fire and Amanda is trapped inside!" I was shaken, I asked him to repeat himself and then I rushed out to get in my car and drive home. We were kind of hanging out in the trailer because there was nothing left in the house that wasn't already packed.  I had to save my daughter!  I had to give her that kiss!  I promised!  As I got to the truck, I felt an overwhelming peace come over me, it felt like a big hug.  I paused for a moment and then started to talk to God out loud.  I said, "God I don't know what has happened; but if you have taken Amanda to heaven, you'd better just take me right now too!"   I just kept repeating this over and over and then when I rounded the corner I saw it, a beautiful rainbow and it was sitting right over our road.  It hadn't even rained that day!

We lived back in the forest of a very small town in Washington state.  So the road to our house was blocked by police cars and firetrucks.  I saw our oldest boy Jeremy standing in the road crying.  He came over and gave me a hug and all I could do is scream to the top of my lungs, "Don't you tell me she is dead! Don't say it Jeremy!!" He just grabbed me and through tears told me "Mom I am sorry Amanda is gone"  I just flung my body to the ground and wailed, I wished right then my heart would burst because it felt so full of pain! My son Jeremy, who seemed so much older then seventeen, helped me to my feet and walked with me up the hill to our home.  I saw my son Robby being treated by the paramedic he was crying but it seemed so surreal! I just kept walking toward our home. My son Brendon, who was eight, came up and was crying said, "Momma, Amanda is walking up to heaven on that rainbow"  and we both looked up and that rainbow was still just as bright and right over our road.

Looking back, that is exactly what she did, she told God, "Hey if I am going with you, I have to give my momma a hug first and then can we walk there on a rainbow?"  Amanda was so cleaver like that!  No matter what reverse psychology I tried on her, she was always on top of that game. " Amanda if you don't eat your food you won't get ice cream" I would tell her and she would casually look up and say, "That's OK I don't want ice cream anyway"  I was just in a daze we had her funeral a few days later and then we went on ahead and traveled to Florida where my husband had started his new job.  Our family grieved for Amanda.  We went into counseling to deal with our grief.

Grandpa Norman Goldsmith 

My maternal grandfather died and I was twenty weeks pregnant with our daughter Samantha when I flew from Florida to California to attend his funeral.  My grandfather was a great man!  He showed us the value of hard work and determination.  He was a migrant farmer in the late 1920's traveling to pick whatever crop was in season.  He was self educated and very, very smart.  He was a good Husband, Father and Grandfather.  I was sick when I attended his funeral and was hospitalized the day we buried him with a bad gallbladder.  I had to have it removed before I came back to Florida because I was so sick.

My Brother committed suicide just three months after my grandfather's death and this came as a double whammy to my mother who just lost the two most important men in her life.  It was a shock to our entire family.  I couldn't even come to his funeral because I was too pregnant.  I felt so alone and isolated in my grief.

Kevin's footprints

 We were blessed with a little baby boy, who just totally surprised us.   We didn't even know we were pregnant until I was fourteen weeks along. I was sent to have a amniocentesis and the needle punctured the amniotic sac and caused his demise.  I was exactly 20  weeks along.   Kevin Micheal Spencer Gill was born Still on June 30, 1999.  1 in 250 pregnancies are lost because of amniocenteses.  These are not good odds and I would advise against it.  We would have kept whatever God chose to give us, healthy or not.

Edward Barnett 

Fifteen months ago my father passed away after suffering a stroke unexpectedly and died the very next day.  I am so thankful to God that he allowed us to bandage hurts from the past and become a very close father and daughter.  His death came as a surprise and shock to us all.  The night before he watched a TV program with us and I went to wake him the next day and he was unresponsive.  He spent the night at the hospital and the next evening he passed away peacefully.

So here we are walking in the shadow of the valley of death waiting for tomorrow...