My mom's friend Diane...

Monday my mom's dear friend; Diane Birk, came all the way from Los Angeles to say a final goodbye to her.  She had already come to see her a few days ago and she was leaving for Seattle when she received my phone call.  She had to rent a car and drive back down.  She was so kind to offer to stay up with her so the family could sleep.  My Aunt Norma and her husband Gary and their daughter-in-law Ida and grandson Antonio arrived later that night.  My Aunt was distraught because she thought my mother had suffered a stroke.  She was just in a deeper sleep and could only say just a few words by this time. 

Diane and Judy at her suprise birthday party 3-13-2004

We got everyone settled in for the night and even though I should have slept, I just couldn't.  I sat up and talked with Diane, while we were chatting a huge bug crawled across my chest and I pulled my shirt and launched the bug into the air while saying loudly, a very bad word!  I immediately stomped on the bug and then laughed and apologized for my language.  It is quite funny to think about it even now.  Diane was so sweet she just shared a memory of when her daughter came home from preschool and shared a bad word with her.

Diane sent this to me in an email and this is shared with her permission.

"Hello family and friends,

I was able to visit with my dear friend, Judy Barnett, at the end of February when she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I made another trip to California and was able to visit her on May 1st and 2nd. She was weak but was doing well. I was blessed to help her as she dictated a letter to me saying farewell to her family and friends.

On Monday got a call that Judy only had a short while to live. I quickly returned to Visalia and was privileged to stay up all night watching over her. On Tuesday I spent much of the day with her and her family. Before leaving that evening I was able to hold her carefully and pray over her. I reminded her to put in a good word for me with God -- we'd joked about it the previous week and told her that her family was okay and she could go home to God. Although Judy is blind - she opened her eyes and looked right at me. I know she heard me and knows how much I loved her. She passed away this morning at 2:30am.

Judy had a profound affect on my life. She was a simple and sweet lady. She babysat Arianna and Alyssa when they were little and loved them and considered them her girls even recently. After I moved to Seattle we talked often by phone and I always visited her when I was in Visalia to see my family. Judy was a sincere and loving Christian woman who loved God. Judy, her sister Ruthie, another friend, Sue, and I had a long-standing weekly Bible study. We prayed, laughed till our stomachs ached, cried and grew into "family"! You could share your darkest secrets with Judy and know it would go no further. She was a real prayer and lifted you up to God through her day -- she seemed to know when you needed prayer before you even told her. She raised birds - even after losing her eyesight -- just with a gentle touch she cared for the tiny birds without seeing them. She was deeply loved by so many -- everyone feeling they were kin, not just friends. What a blessing she was to so very many!

Oh what a special blessing Judy was in my life. I will miss her so much, but I'm happy for her as she is now where she most wanted to be -- the the arms of her saviour!!

Diane "

Walking in death's shadow

We have finally come to this place where my mom is asleep and in another world most of the day and night.  She looks at peace and as long as we have her sitting in a chair, she feels like she can breathe.  She is only giving me short yes or no answers to questions like, "Mom do you need your blanket on your feet?"  I am going to stay by herside all day today. 

As I am typing this I hear the radio; my sweet husband remembered to put the radio on the oldies station, so my mom could enjoy music playing softly in the background.  I am touched by his acts of kindness toward my mom.  He has been so good to get up in the middle of the night, when I needed his assistance.  He gave my mom a hug last night and you could feel the love in the room.  They have never been super huggy - squeezie and they have for the most part had a love / hate relationship all these years.  My mom told me a few months ago she felt like she resented him because he took her daughter away.   She said sometimes that is the way it felt but also said, that she loved him too.  The minute we got married we were sent to live far away because of my husband's job in the Navy. 

Her dog princess has been totally by her side, she knows what's happening.  I texted and called everyone yesterday to let them know that my mother's time here on earth is coming to an end and soon she will be healed for heaven.  Her good friend Kelley Joslin came over she had been on at a conference of Dental hygienists in Anaheim and was traveling home when she got my message.   My good friend Kellie Hawker came and picked up the girls, who have been pretty good for the most part but are stressed out, and whisked them away from the reality that their last grandparent is dying.   My mom's friend Arlene came over and she was so emotional, she had to take a moment to compose herself before she sat down with my mom.  Our son Robby and his wife came over and they sat with grandma for a while.

I called my mom's two sisters and gave them an update on my mom and while I was on the phone with my Aunt Ruthie. I looked up and saw this dark cloud of bees right above my head moving fast.  I said something like, "I have got to go there are bee's coming toward me!"    I ran into the house and the bees swarmed our old water tower. 

I am calling hospice this AM and going to see if the nurse can come out today.  My prayer for my mother is she is comforted and out of pain today.

Tender moments...

our youngest Brendon saying goodbye to his grandmother

Those quiet times when you say goodbye.  I have been privileged to watch people come and say goodbye to my mom for the last two days.  She is now unresponsive for the most part.  Her dog Princess keeps a quiet vigil on her master by laying faithfully at her side.   I am sad because I thought there would be more time to plan her funeral and ensure any of her wishes were fulfilled. 

My mother is one of those rare people who attract very loyal and dear friends.  She is such a sweet person!  I have been so blessed to really get to see what a beautiful person she is.  We spent too much of our life being too much alike and really not liking to look into that mirror at we saw in each other.  Which was in essence eachother and our simularities.

 My dad died, suddenly of a stroke, 18 months ago.  my mom tearfully told me how much she loved me and how sorry she was about my dad's imminent  passing. The doctor had just told her, while I was in the bathroom, that my dad had a massive stroke and his brain was engulfed in blood.  We were still in the Emergency room and I remember her hugging me and saying, "I LOVE YOU" and I said, "How could you love me, you don't even like me!"  I remember her hugging me tighter and saying, "I do love you!"  We just sobbed in each other's arms.

 I prayed and asked God to help us figure out our relationship and give us the time to do this before she died, because I didn't want there to be any hard feelings for me to deal with after she left this world.  I seriously didn't want her to have cancer that metathesized into her brain, but I am so very fortunate that we healed our relationship and forgave past hurts, before she came to the place where she isn't communicating.  I am thankful that I was able to care for her and show her the love she showed me when I was a little girl.   I reassured her that she was a great mom! 



It won't be long before the woman God gave to be my momma, will be making her final journey to heaven.  I think she held on for her friend Diane Birk to come see her.  I think she needed to write her thoughts in a thank you note and Diane was kind enough to do this.   I just read something on the Internet about the five things you must do before you die and she did all of them. 

The five tasks of dying

Ask for forgiveness

offer forgiveness

Offer heartfelt thanks

Offer Sentiments of Love

Say goodbye

My heart hurts because I know, I will soon never have her touch or see her smile, until I make my journey to be with her in Heaven.  I will never be able to call another woman Momma here on this earth; but soon, she will be reunited with her momma in heaven just in time for Mother's day.  

http://dying.about.com/od/thedyingprocess/a/5_tasks_dying.htm * taken from this website

I will cast all my cares upon him...

This song has resonated in my mind several times these last few weeks.  I am caught up in the daily care of my mother and all the responsibilities of being a mom to my children as well.  I am sad today because last night was probably the roughest night we've had so far.  My mom woke up twice and had to have complete bedding and clothing changes.  She was so sweet she leaned over to me and whispered "I think I might have wet myself" and then started to cry.  I just hugged her and told it would be OK we were going to change her and make her fresh and lovely. 

I have been helping her with her showers and it seems that some part of my childhood flashes in my mind of my sweet mother, lovingly bathing and caring for me; it has now come full circle because I am bathing  and changing her.  I know that this must be a very humbling thing and I try really hard to keep her laughing and her mind off the fact that her daughter has to help her.  

Her dog Princess has been a very close companion.  She jumps onto her bed before we are ready for my mom to be positioned and I am constantly picking her dog up and placing her in her bed on the floor until we get my mom comfortable.  She cannot sleep laying flat because she feels claustrophobic, so I play with the controls to lift her head and feet in the proper position. 

I am very tired, and I am so very grateful for the time that we share because it is very precious.  She loves for me to read her bible to her and her daily bread, we listen to on the computer while she is eating breakfast.  My mom told me to read her a chapter in Proverbs everyday that corresponds with the days date, so for example today we will read Proverbs 5, because today is May 5th.  (What a good idea!)

This afternoon my mom said to me, "I hope I am worthy enough to go to heaven,"  as she was getting ready to take a nap, and I told her: "Mom you are not only worthy!   When you get to heaven, you are going to be getting some beautiful crowns for all the things you have done here."  We talked about all the people she would see there!  My precious five year old daughter Amanda and our little baby Kevin that died in utero and was born still.   My grandparents. my father. My brother, my baby cousin Charlene, her brother who was born still... and lots more. 

My mom's feet are beginning to swell and she is very tired.  We have one good day where she is awake and alert and two very tired days after that.  Her toes and fingers have begun to take on a dusky blue color and her chest is swollen at the midpoint right above her sternum, I suspect that it is the tumor that is right below there. She has involuntary tremors and her body shakes.  I feel like time is now such a precious commodity. 

I am thankful for my mother!   I am casting all of my cares at the feet of Jesus who will carry us through this time.

A message from Judy

This is a note my mom had her friend Diane help her write today I thought I would share it with you. 

Dear Family and Friends,

My friend Diane, from Washington is here today and is transcribing this letter for me.
First I want to wish my dear Sister, Ruthie, happy birthday on this very day.

Judy and Diane

I want to thank all of you for all your love and prayers. I have felt them every day. I thank your spouses for letting each of you to be with me in thought and in person as my dear best friends. They say you often have only five best friends to list when you pass away, but I have so many more. My mind isn‘t as sharp as I wish it were, so if your name isn‘t listed please know it was unintentional and you are loved even if you‘re not specifically named. I am blessed to have these best friends: Robin, Norma June, Ruthie, Monica and all my grand-kids, LaDon, Eric, Arlene, Betty, Lori Trowbridge, Karen & Louie Luisi, Sharon, Pat and Ken, Marie, Sue, all the Joslin, Sanchez, and Hannah family members, My brother Ric and his family, and everyone else at the Sierra Meadows complex
Thank you for the phone calls, visits, prayers, taking me to doctors, letters, messages and get well wishes and thoughts.
Today I’m feeling pretty good. I’m staying with my daughter, LaDon, who has been taking absolutely wonderful care of me. She has been working with the doctors and hospice and has my medications working well for my pain. LaDon is right there whenever I need her. I so appreciate her love and support now when I need it the most.
The hospice caretakers are wonderful. My nurse Kathy Keiser and LVN Melissa. They show love and compassion and are so dependable. I can’t thank them enough for their care!
Thank you for being my friend, thank you for loving me. And I love and cherish each one of you!!
　
　

Judy (Ju-Ju) Barnett

My mom's brother...

My mother has three half brothers, two sisters and a brother.  She has always had a close bond with her brother Ric, who lives in Abilene, Kansas.  He has always made an effort over the years to stay in contact with her and he has been thoughtful about sending cards and gift through the years. 

I contacted him on Facebook to let him know about my mom and he texted me, "What can I do?"  I texted him back, "Come see her"  He said when I sent that he just knew that he needed to come.  He arranged it with his boss at work and coordinated it so his daughter Coni and her husband Kyle could come with them.  This was no easy feat they had to drive two hours from their home to the airport.  My uncle lost his knife during the body cavity search by TSA because he had forgotten it in his carry on bag.  They confiscated his knife and said it would be destroyed.  He had that knife for over 20 years, so I am sure that was not easy to let them take his knife.  He also lost his cell phone on the first leg of his flight it was clipped to his waistband and when he stood up to disembark the phone fell onto the seat. 

Judy as she says, "My brother Ric?"

His wife Lorrie was texting me the whole entire time.  She let me know the plane landed and then when they were coming over after checking into their hotel.  I kept my mom busy and tried really hard not to let on that there was company coming. 

Judy and Ric

She was napping when they pulled into the driveway.  I went to the door and there stood my uncle who I hadn't seen since I was 5 or 6 years old.  He smiled really big at me and put his arms out and gave me a great big hug.  I started to cry tears of joy!  My uncle Ric's eyes were misty too.  He wanted to come in and greet my mom first, he walked to her chair she had just fallen asleep.  He knelt in front of her and said quietly, "Hi sis!" she opens her eyes and says, "Is this my Louie?"  "Nooo," he says, "It's your brother Ric."  "My brother Ric?" her eyes grew wide and she looked shocked that her brother had traveled to see her from so far away.  It was a sweet moment.  His wife Lorrie and his daughter Coni and her husband Kyle all came in and greeted my mom. 

A tearful farewell!

They stayed for four days.  It didn't seem long enough and when they left it was sad to see them go.  I am thankful that they took the time to come see her now while she is still coherent.

We all mean good

It seems like a struggle sometimes with other people in my moms life, everyone means good and we all want the best for her but somedays it feels like we are at war.  Its not the kind of war that has been fought with weapons and artillary throughout the ages, this is the subtle type of war, a war with words, crafted in just a way to sting just a little bit.

I have been up front and honest with my mom.  I told her that I want to be her caregiver and I NEED to be with her but she has to allow me to have her in my home because, after she goes to heaven, I still want to have a husband and a family.  I know that David wouldn't leave me because I am taking care of my mom at her home. I know that I have four people besides my mom depending on me to make their day go, just right.
Last week was a scary, my mom slept allot and when she talked, she was out of touch, most of the time.  I thought it was her brain tumor but what it actually happened was her medication needed to be adjusted and increased to a slow release morphine, since the nurse did this, she has been completely out of pain and coherent.  I had asked Robin to come over in the mornings while I ran the girls to school and sit with my mom.  She faithfully came every morning to sit and have coffee with my mom and visit.

 My mom was emotional everytime someone mentioned her friends at Sierra Meadows or her friend Marie.  I felt bad for her because she was at my home and was missing her place and her friends terriably.  My sister-in-law declared that she and her daughter Monica would be taking turns to stay with my mom at her place so she could be home, then she asks: what days I would like to stay at my mom's house.  I looked at her, eye to eye and told her exactly what I had told my mom.  I could not stay with her at her place.  I have obligations to more than just one person.
 "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of few."  My home is just as peaceful for her during the day and she has figured out how to navigate herself to the bathroom and outside to take her dog potty.  She likes it at my house.

Robin told me that she really needs to stay at her house.  She was sad infront of Robin about missing her friends.  I told her, "Well Robin she was sad about her friend Marie too.  Do you think we should load her up and take her to Sacramento too?"  There was so much tension in the air.  At one point my phone rang and it was the LVN Melissa she was coming for a visit I told her we were at my moms.  Monica, my neice,  was helping my mom get ready when the LVN arrived.

Melissa is a pretty girl she has long blond curly hair that falls just past her shoulders.  Her hair is usually pulled off her face and clipped in the back with a barrette. Melissa has pretty blue eyes and a button nose, she is probably in her early thirtys, very informative and very nice.  She asked at one point if we had any questions.  Robin chimed in and asked if hospice provides people to stay with the paitent.  The nurse said no, they don't offer that, it would be something we would have to pay out of pocket for.  I thought to myself, my mom would never want a stranger to come into her home and stay with her that would be way too uncomfortable.  Robin asked for the hospice nurses phone number I am sure she wanted to discuss in detail how my mom wanted to be at home.   The nurse left and I suggested we pull out our calenders and get a schedule together.


We decided that I would take my mom home until Thursday; when she would pick her up and bring her back to Sierra Meadows. Robin informed me that she wouldn't be able to help me in the AM while I ran the kids to school but it was ok because my mom is usually up by then and can ride with me to drop everyone off.  This weekend her friend Tina is coming to see her.  So She will probably be with me if she isn't with her friend.  We made plans to have sunday supper at my house and start the week from there.  Robin volunteered to take my mom out to the benches to visit and my neice Monica and I sat in the living room and talked.

Monica and grandma

I told Monica how proud she made me.  What a good caregiver she was to grandma and when she is with her I didn't worry at all about my mom.   We had a moment of silence and I said to her, "Wow, your mom is a spaz today!"  We both chuckled.  It will work itself out, I just know it will.